unfortanetly it won’t get any easier. But you’re not a horrible person. If you aren’t always cheacking yourself try wearing a dexcom. It will let you know whether your low, high, steady, going up or going down. And i know you dont want to go back to shots, i have a pump but i have had to do shots before. If you have the omni pod it should save the readings. If you dont have the omni pod you might wanting to consider it or the dexcom. Stressing out makes things worse. Try to relax. I know you are afraid but try not to be. Trust me your A1C WILL go down.
I think your comment “I can’t find the will power to even try…I used to be so good at this. I was so diligent about carbs and sugar.” --is a good clue: it sounds like you are burned out. And maybe…understandably angry that you have this EXTRA time consuming and difficult JOB of being a diabetic 24/7, in addition to homework and everything else.
So, on top of this, you are dreading what you think may be a lecture with lots of guilt tripping thrown at you.
-How about if you come up with a few sentences that you can use during the appointment so that people cannot automatically guilt trip and/or scare you? Like "I have been feeling overwhelmed by all the responsibility of being a diabetic; I know I can do better, and I don’t need anyone else to make me feel bad about how I’ve been managing my blood sugars – I feel bad about it enough on my own already. That should shut them up. You don’t need a lecture, you need support so that your motivation will return.
Yelling at you will not help. Ask them for practical tips to make the day to day routine easier and less of a burden. Ask them to imagine having to do all this! Easy for them to have all these “shoulds”; to live with it is another thing entirely.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes.
~from a type 1 (33 years and counting)
i know EXACTLY what you are goin through. Ive been diabetic since i was 15. Right now t age 22, things are still not any easier. But u have to remember that it does not matter what mistake you’ve made yesterday. It what you do from here on out. Dont punish yourself for your mistakes, learn from them. Diabetes is and everyday battle. As far as your a1c test. you are right, you may get a bad reading but let that not discourage but motivate you to regain control.Trust me i know hard it gets. right now working,being a college student and controlling my diabetes gets to me sometimes but i know the complications that come from poorly controlled diabetes will be alot more difficult to deal with…so i just do it!
good luck with everything
-attitude is everything, pick a good onee :))
Kayla,
You are not horrible, amiga. Diabetes is a lot for anyone to handle. I would like to recommend a book titled Diabetes Burnout, which is a great read to help us through the ups and downs this disease brings into our life:
http://astore.amazon.com/bestdiabetesbooks-20/detail/1580400337
Sending you a big hug and reminding you what the optimistic hamster always says:
http://www.tudiabetes.org/photo/583967:Photo:153501
(one day at a time…)
Hey, no matter how it comes out, this doesn’t make you a horrible person.
Hope all goes well with your appointment. Maybe you will be suprised.
Your too down on yourself!! You are putting on the pressure trying to make everyone happy. Your A1C is important but forget it. You need to take one piece at a time. First start being diligent about testing your sugars, when you have that going well start counting, I know that is hard, that is the part I hate the most but I have learned you don’t need to be exact with time your guess become more accurate when combined with testing your sugar.
Most of all you are causing your sugars to go up purely from stress and worry. This is the hardest thing to fix but try talking to yourself and reminding yourself that you can do this, you do the best you can and it will work. Just remember "I can do this!"
Keep in touch!!!
Kayla, your post reminds me of me sometimes… I get really down and give up- but, I always pick myself back up. Surround yourself with positive, helpful people- and think about maybe finding a more supportive and postive endo. I was seeing the same witchly endo for nearly 11 years- she made me cry every time I stepped foot in her office. Finally, I started asking around (I’m a teacher, so I asked our school nurse who the diabetic students in my school like) and ended up changing my life drastically. Best of luck to you- don’t give up, you’re stronger than that! 
Kayla
I am a cde, mom and dont have diabetes. My heart is with you, I remember being 16 and what did , ate, or thought did not make me a horrible person, you are making hard choices right now! You need to hang in there, let the number be a start, a place to move forward, remember this day and the day you get your number is the first day of the rest of your life. YOU are a good person with a need to start now!
DebCDE
Kayle, I haven’t read all the replies that are on here to you but I was in your shoes and as far as not finding the power to do better I am still there. The only thing I can tell you is that maybe honesty would be the best bet in this case. You could ask your Mom to reschedule to give you some more time and start back at the basics. Maybe ask her for help to get involved again and relearn it all. I’m sure she would love to help you out and it may make you feel better about it too. It is way too much for a 16 yr old to handle alone and asking for help is always ok even when you are an old timer (36) like me. You are not a horrible person at all. Your a diabetic that is trying hard and we all fail. The only thing is get back up and keep trying. Good luck to you. You will do ok. Hope they can reschedule your appt b/c I know how hard it is to go in when you know how bad the verdict will be.
I suspect that the hormones of being sixteen contribute to this situation. Instead of trying to be perfect, why don’t you commit to eating the least worst option as many times as you can for awhile? I get hungry, and the hardest thing is to have a healthy option to satisfy my hunger. I can work through this because I’ve been cooking for forty years, but my non-diabetic sixteen year olds are not good at making food when they are hungry and will grab whatever. It’s hard, but sometimes, it begins with a good shopping list for the grocery store. I’m a newish diabetic, and I found that the more carb restricted I became, the less I craved carbs. Have you joined a support group online or otherwise for diabetic teens? I have two 16yo girls, and their lives are full of activity and stresses without the burden of diabetes. Even a counselor at school would listen to your struggles. Start again with Day 1. It’s ok to get mad at diabetes. One thing that I have to rant about is the availability of candy and other bad choices in school cafeterias which is a whole other topic.
Kayla, Just keep on being strong, and really stick to a schedule to manage your BG’s and insulin. No one else can do it for you, unless you have someone to be with you, 24/7 (can I apply for the job? lol). Just hang on, and if you want to chat, I’m on facebook, and on MSN (although I’m having problems with it right now) as chaplain516@msn.com . I usually check my computer at least once or twice a day…
Kayla, I am in the exact situation as you, and I have been trying really hard. Its hard to get into swing once you have gotten comfortable with what are you are doing now. I force myself to do an online log book since most of my school work is on the computer. So try to see another way to make yourself more productive with managing your BG and carb counting. If your A1C is not as good as you have hoped for, just set goals for your next A1C reading. Think of little ways to make managing easier for your schedule. Remember health comes first and look at things in the long run (don’t want to loose pump privileges!). That usually helps me
P.S don’t be so hard on yourself.
You are not a horrible person! I’m sure it is stressful to deal with pressures at school, extracurricular activities, and diabetes at the same time. Don’t concentrate so much on the A1C number. Concentrate on staying fit, keeping up with your diet, and consider checking 3x daily. If your next A1C ends up high and you’ve done everything you could to keep it down, the dr will know that it’s not just the foods you are eating. You’re hormones and just changes in your body in general will affect the way you take in insulin. The dr can adjust accordingly.
Hang in there! I know that having diabetes can make me very paranoid when it comes to medical professionals, especially being around those who do not specialize in diabetes. I hope you are blessed with awesome drs who can empathize with your physical and emotional struggles.
Hi Kayla,
No one can force you to care about your own health. I was diagnosed with Type 1 at age 10, and remember going through a phase like you when I was in my teens. Although, my phase only lasted a day. I was wanting to not be diabetic, so I decided to skip one of my shots. Later, my blood sugar was 425 and I felt like complete crap. It was then that I realized only I could control my own health and how I would feel. I learned that I felt better when my blood sugar was lower and in good control, and I strive every day for those numbers.
I achieve them by eating mostly meat, fat, and non-starchy veggies. I only eat about 8-12 grams of carbs per day from non-starchy veggies, and it’s great because it takes all that guesswork out. Very little carb-counting, great health and less stress. Maybe give it a try?
I can’t imagine having to deal with diabetes as a young person, but, the fact that you are here in a support group, and you know the importance of testing your blood many times per day (if you are on insulin), then you are doing okay in my book. No diabetic is perfect, not all day every day. I think we all have our oops moments. I test 6 times a day most days. I want to know exactly where I am at, and on days when I don’t fell like testing I make sure my diet is premo for that day…
If your A1C comes back bad, just promise yourself to do better next time.
It’s all you can do is your best. Negative publicity doesn’t help. Dealing with this condition is quite a challenge. I should know-have had it for 52 years. Control hasn’t been close to what the medical system expects. You have to deal with everything the other people have to deal with and then diabetes too.
Hi Kayla,
I’m so sorry you have to live with this disease. I’ve had very high sugar levels over the years and now I’m 43 and have complications. Please keep one thing in mind. Yes this disease is maddening, but you are young enough that you can do something about it and prevent yourself from a lifetime of complications. Rather than being angry and scared with the disease, take control of it. It’s when you lose that control that it can become dangerous. Take time out for yourself and know that you aren’t alone in this fight. I thought I was alone in this battle but I’m not. Focus on the positive. You are not a horrible person. In actuality, you are stronger than most people because you’ve had to face many extra challenges in life. Be proud of yourself!
Janice, don’t beat yourself up because of the complications. No one knows why some get complications and some don’t, and it’s NOT all A1c or high BGs. That’s been shown by the Joslin 50-year medalist study. I’m just glad you’re still alive, and I hope you’re doing everything you can to enjoy life – it’s a gift!
Hi Kayla, I’m new to this site, but your blog is the first one I read, and it made me feel so very, very sad. Oh my goodness, it sounded just like me! I have been a type 1 diabetic since 5 years old and am now 27. When I was a diabetic back in 1988 they only had one type of insulin and most doctors didn’t know how to educate patients and their parents. Lucky for me, I had a mother who wanted to support and understand what this disease can do. She read books and books and some more books. When going for my A1C my doctors always made me feel like a failure because my sugars were mostly high. My mom screamed, I cried and would throw my needles into my pillow with frustration. Then one day I sat down with my mom and said I have had enough! I want a break from diabetes! Since my mom is the best mother anyone can ask for, she said that she will test my sugars, prepare my meals and control it for me. She sat with me when I tried to study with a hypo, she sat with me when my sugar was high and I had no energy. She sat with me when I ate the same thing I did the day before and my sugar just didn’t want to come down. She sat with me when I played netball and had to stop halfway through because my sugar just dropped. She sat with me when birthday parties came, and I was the only one not allowed to eat the cake and sweets. She sat with me when the children at school did not want to come close, afraid that they might be “infected”. She sat with me when I had to test my sugar in class and feel ashamed of being different. She sat with me when my sores didn’t want to heal. She sat with me when my eyes were not so good anymore. She sat with me when I woke up at night will low sugars. She sat with me when I just wanted to give up!
Then only she realized how difficult it is to incorporate diabetes into your life. And then and there she said: “Never ever will I let any doctor or person yell at you because your sugars were too high!!!”
That was the day my life and diabetes changed. My mother had become my Advocate!
She was going to be the one who stood up for me! I no longer had to fight this disease on my own. We were going to embrace this together!
The first thing I did was to get a new endocrinologist. One that understood that it’s not as easy as 1, 2, 3 to get your sugars 100%, and someone that would encourage me to do better next time. I mean, I already know how bad it is to have high sugars, it’s not like I am doing it on purpose! I have the love for life to live, I don’t want to die!
My new endocrinologist is brilliant. She encourages me and this makes me want to try even harder next time. My dietician worked out a good meal plan and exercise regime. And although I don’t always stick to it, because I am only human, I can say that I am much happier and never again will I be afraid to do my A1C, because no matter what the result, with my mother as my advocate, together there is nothing that I can’t handle.
And today, after 22 years of having diabetes, and recently being diagnosed with thyroid cancer, I am happy to say I am cancer free, and living my life with diabetes to it’s fullest! All thanks to a mother who knew that I could not do this alone and needed a strong pair of arms to sometimes carry me!