My secret I've been keeping from everyone

I’ve been keeping a secret from my endo, my wife, my parents, everyone: I’ve quietly given up.

I’m not completely lost. I check my blood glucose level before eating. I inject insulin before I eat (usually) or when it gets very high. But various important elements of managing diabetes have fallen to the wayside.

When my pump runs out, it may be a day or two before I replace it. If I’m very hungry, I won’t inject until much later. (And then it gets complicated - do I bolus for my higher blood glucose level or for the food I ate, which was a while ago?) I won’t recalibrate my Dexcom for days sometimes. (However, I always wear the Dexcom. I may not check it that often, but I feel safer knowing all I need to do is glance at the machine to find out how bad my blood glucose is.)

When I eat, I enter in my blood glucose level (from my Dexcom) and wildly guess the cards. Often, I just bolus for 90, planning to make up for missed carbs later with a correctional bolus. Unless I’m eating something from a package, I don’t even try to calculate the exact carbs I’m eating.

Do I feel ill? Yes, most of the time. Do I care? Yes, a little bit. Do I care enough to “find religion” and go back to being a good diabetic. No. I’m tired. I’m burned out.

And I’m angry. Very angry. Very, very, very, very angry and frustrated. I see people all around - “normal people” I call them - who eat whatever they want with nary a concern about the number of carbs and all the thousands of things I need to keep in mind and consider when I eat even a morsel. It’s truly hasad (envy), and may they all be cursed with the evil eye. (Not really. But that’s how I feel sometimes.) So, I also feel quite alone. (On that note, my wife is somewhat intuitive about this. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. If I see something I’d like but can’t have, she won’t eat it in front of me. Or she’ll let me have a little so I’ll feel better. She understands this, may God bless her.)

That’s why I haven’t seen my endo for a while. Why should I? There’s nothing he can tell me I don’t already know. And I already know he’s going to chew me out for my bad A1C, but I have no desire to do what’s necessary to fix it. And since my mom and dad see the same endo, chances are that they will also chew me out.

So…I don’t know.

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I have been there.

I don’t have any advice…since I had to sort of see the light and make the choice to walk toward it myself. I wish I had a super encouraging kitten poster or something.

Thank you for posting this, and keep us updated on your well-being.

http://advertising.i5publishing.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/HangInThereSimpson.jpg

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My heart goes out to you, because I understand about quietly giving up. The only thing that keeps me from totally giving up is my husband. It sounds like you also have a spouse who loves you and would devastated to lose you. Can you just start with one thing, like not letting your pump run out? Would you consider counseling with someone who specializes in PWD? We recently had a therapist here who does this. I could find you someone else if he doesn’t seem to fit.

I’m glad you posted about this. I also get the envy thing. Every day I see others who glide through life without a care in the world, and I wonder what that might feel like. I’m angry too.

another good thing to try is getting outside - even if you don’t exercise, just look for one nice thing in nature. and hug your wife.

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I am touched by your bravery in posting about this. You may feel that the situation is hopeless. But I want you to know that you have taken the very first step in getting better. The first step is to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you have a problem. You have not only done this, but you have done this by telling all of us about your struggles. We are not here to judge you, we are here to help you think about what is important to you and make the important decisions and changes in your life to realize what is important to you.

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Agreed with many of the comments above. What motivated you to post here is also what might motivate you to get back in the saddle. And while it might seem like giving up is the easy route, I suspect it takes a fair bit of effort to stay angry and passive and self-destructive. So maybe give yourself permission to care about yourself and to take some steps, even very modest ones, to start taking better care of yourself. Don’t do it because you have to, do it because you care about yourself, and about others who care about you.

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I’m wondering if there’s anything else in your life that’s being acutely stressful or anxiety inducing. Sometimes letting the D discipline go is a result of it being just one more insistent pain-in-the-*ss thing when some other situation in your life is going haywire and you feel like you just don’t have the bandwidth to spare. I know that’s happened to me at various times over 30+ years with T1. I hope venting that frustration here helps to get some perspective on it. We’ve all been there and there’s no magic fix for it, but getting it out there where you can look at it can be a way to turn it around.

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I feel for you. I know it’s not really what you want to hear but all I can say is that I fully understand your pain and frustration. I’ve been there, and I keep going back to that horrible place every so often. It’s tough to be vigilant and feel deprived and overburdened all the time. It wears you down and out. Especially when everyone around you seems to have not a concern in the world.

It’s OK to take a break every so often. But, please, don’t “give up” for too long. Regain your emotional and psychological strength and get back on the wagon. I know it’s easier said than done, believe me, I know. But this is where you have to dig deep and force yourself to access and make use of that bit of care you still have inside you.

Myself and so many others are here for you, and we understand.

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I don’t like taking breaks. Can you try to find some non-D thing that you really like to do that might help focus diabetes? Knitting, walking, volunteering, anything like that? I’ve found that I do best with diabetes when I do other things that I like.

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I totally get it. It is so frustrating to look around at people who do and eat whatever they want without the consequences that we have. I think that a few times a week, especially when we go out to eat and everyone else is having the huge plate of pasta and desserts that we would love to be able to eat and there I am with my salad, veggies and meat and my drool over the bread. But I try to keep in focus that I want to live a long, long time and do the things we have talked about like traveling when we retire. So for me at this point is the quality of life I want instead of the things I can’t eat.

Definitely fine something that is good in your life that you love, it helps with the I don’t care what happens to me feeling.

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@Kitabparast,
I know you will get back to where you need to be because despite your anger and frustration–all understandable–you really do care about your health. As @MarieB suggested, take it one step at a time. The first step was writing to the forum; the second is whatever you choose it to be. Good luck to you. Keep checking in even if you aren’t ready to put the bit back in.

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I’m very sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I think you’re very brave for actually acknowledging that you have this problem. First step in tackling anything is to recognize that you have one and ask for help.

And in that regard I am sure that there are a lot of professionals out there who deal with this sort of thing on a daily basis and are far more qualified to give advice. My personal one is to first establish a support system, let your wife in on your little secret. Your endocrinologist as well. Then take it one day at a time. Reevaluate your care and set small achievable goals each day. It may also be useful to explore what made you give up in the first place. Find the cause.

I hope you feel better.

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I wanted to thank you all for your responses.

Stress is an understatement. I recently bought a house, moved into said house, sold an investment property, and dealing with what’s turning out to be practically a gut rehab of the first floor of our new house. (My wife said she wanted to change a few things. Scope creep can be quite dangerous!) In addition, the unexpected financial issues came up. And things at work are extremely chaotic.

Things are slowly beginning to calm down, and I have noticed that I’m taking better care of myself. I change my pump more often, am taking my meds more regularly, and controlling what I eat more. I’m also seeking to be more active. I have a long way to go to get back to the health-conscious person I used to be, but I’m slowly getting there.

It is so true, though. When things go haywire in life, managing diabetes can become such a burden that it’s easier to just neglect it. But it’s one of those conditions that never leaves - it’s always there, there’s always some sign it’s around, whether tiredness from high blood glucose levels to very frequent trips to the restroom and drinking lots of water.

Again, thanks for all of your words! It’s good to know, at the very least, that I’m not alone, and that others have gone through this also.

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I’m impressed that you have been so quiet about it! I have very LOUDLY given up. It’s frustrating when you feel like the only one with it, and that no one understands. Personally, I have become very suspicious of my doctors after having been repeatedly let down and mistreated by supposed “Diabetes” experts who have likely only worked with T2.
From experience, though, generally when your blood sugar is under control you will feel better…not like, out of this world cured kind of better, but it feels more managable.

I have read so many type 1 people posting about their frustrations and depressions that led to their neglect of diabetes management. Usually, that was temporary, and they returned to good management practices. The ones who stopped posting, and we never heard from them again…they are the ones that caused me the most worry.
I have had frustrations and minor burnout many times, but like someone else suggested, I found other things and hobbies that were very pleasing, things that put me into a good mood. While in a good mood my feelings about diabetes changed for the better. I never actually let things go for long. Maybe that is why I have been type 1 for 69 years, without any serious complications
Good luck to you in the months and years ahead, keep in touch!

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I’m glad to hear you are pulling out of the dive!!

I’ve been in a similar rut, or diabetes-vacay. I dropped my endo about 4 years ago because he made me feel like a big, impersonal number (determined by A1C and other calculations). I see my GP regularly and she is awesome, yet I know deep down that I probably know more than she does about the disease. I buy over the counter A1C tests, but haven’t in about a year for fear of what it will say.

My mood says it all. I’m constantly anxious and easily cry at bumps in the road - my job is simply too stressful. When it’s smooth, I can handle it. But the nature of my job (I’m a high school teacher), is that it’s never smooth for long. I laugh that I’m trying to look after all these teenagers, all their problems and needs, and I’m barely hanging in there.

I once took some time off work (a couple months) at the advice of my doctor, and I was a different person. Diabetes was my job. And I was good at it. I exercised daily, made healthy meals for me and my family, and was always in a good mood. It was heaven. But, alas, I have to work. Many days, the tears are literally a centimetre behind my eyes, and I ward them off.

Trying to be strong, working on being positive. I hope the same for you.

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I know this was posted a long time ago, but I figured I would post my opinions anyway…

First I’m so glad that you have finally came out and announced that you have given up. That right there, is the first step into moving in the right direction. Diabetes is complicated, it’s frustrating, its horrible at times and we never get over the ROLLERCOASTER called Diabetes Life. A little back story about me. I’m 27 years old, and I’ve had Diabetes for 25 years , it’s became a way of life for me. I was 2 years old when I was diagnosed so I don’t know any other kind of life. Even though I’ve had Type One for 25 years , I still have complicated days… But I pick myself up from them and move on. But I have also had times where I quietly gave up. When I was in high school, I got tired of having to stop everything to check my blood sugars or take insulin. So I would forget about it, and act like i was a normal person… Before I was pretty healthy, but after I started staying high all the time I became sick (I couldn’t get around anyone with a cold) and I felt like crap didn’t have energy didn’t want to do anything. Then i lost my Grandfather to Diabetes!!! That was so hard on me. He was one that didn’t take care of himself like he was suppose too. Because of his crazy numbers he lost both of his legs, one of his arms and a couple fingers. And I witnesses first hand what can happen when you give up. That was a changing point for me!

Now I’m married to a wonderful husband that constantly keeps me in check. He’s not to overly aggressive about it because he knows it bugs me when someone is constantly standing over me or watching me. And my numbers have been consistant for about 7 years now coming in at about 7.2 - 7.5 A1C. I know could be better, but I’m doing the best I can! I’ve recently got a Dexcom & I’m on the Tslim insulin pump. They’ve helped a lot! Having someone to back me, is a HUGE reminder that I want to continue living … And I want to be able to have a baby, and not fear that my numbers will hurt them.

Just remember there is a lot of people on here that are dealing with the same thing that you are. No our stories aren’t all alike, but we can help… If you would like you can add me on my Facebook page and when you need help, all you have to do is send me a message… And the same goes to anyone else out there that needs a Diabetes Buddy.

https://www.facebook.com/Jessimucha

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I know how you feel and I wsh I could sit gown and cry with you’ I’ve had D since I was 1- I’m 47 now. I hate it.I’m so brittle it’s crazy. What is a Dexcom? I’m in Ottawa. I’ve been suicidal for yeas. Now, the complications make life really hard. Please try to get your sugars better. I went blind, havingtendoms in my hands cut, can’t feel feet. It’s awful You can write to me at joakim@bell.net

F*ck Diabetes, and the horse it rode in on. Pardon my french.

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I couldn’thave said it any better. I Like you!