New problems with SO, need support

Type 1 and LADA
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So, after my last post about my SO, things had gotten really good between us. We were on the same page, I got a new job (back to a nursing assistant) working three 12 hour shifts a week with wonderful health insurance (I am literally making a difference in people’s lives, too). I thought things were going great. Last weekend, however, things went sour again.

He was about to leave to go to his brother’s place for the weekend on Friday evening(We’re near Cleveland, his bro is in Columbus). As he was leaving my blood sugar was 52 with a down arrow on my CGM…scary. I asked him to stay until my blood sugar stabilized but he was running behind and left. I was scared and hurt. I called a good friend of mine until I was okay (10 mins later) but stressed about it all weekend. When he came home on Sunday I confronted him about it. He told me he thought I would be fine because I had always been fine when my BG was low. I countered this by saying that everyone is fine until they’re not, and showing him what a down arrow means according to Dexcom (dropping 2-3 points per minute), although I’ve told him this before. Finally, he admitted that it was a d**k move to not even call/text to make sure I was okay.

Somehow, though, our fight turned into marriage. I’m a strong believer in marriage (he’s known this from the get go), everyone in my family is married and has never divorced. It came out that he doesn’t want to marry me now because my diabetes might get expensive in the future due to complications. I have great health insurance where I’m at and I have short term disability insurance that will cover COBRA benefits (if not more) should something happen to me. He honestly places no value in good health insurance and thinks I need to make more money in order to afford my health complications. I’ve gone over the numbers with him. Making 40K a year but paying 15K a year out of pocket for health expenses (which would have happened had I stayed at my old job) isn’t worth it. Where I’m at, I’m making lower middle class wages (I have no children to take care of, either), but out of pocket expenses will be close to $2500 a year!! He just doesn’t believe me. He thinks that insurance companies will just decide not to cover something out of blue. SO is talking about losing our theoretical house (we rent a townhouse now) and not being able to put food on the table should I have a heart attack or stroke or kidney failure or et.c. He told me that I talk about my D too much and am obviously just using it for attention (when I do something 24/7 I’m going to talk about it), he told me I’m not motivated enough, but I lowered my A1C from 7.9 to 6.4 in a matter of 8 months. SO acted like he understood the work I put in, but apparently not. I told him that I may talk about it, but I don’t talk about how scary it is, I don’t talk about how painful it is, I don’t talk about how exhausting it is.

Anyhoo, I spent that Monday at my parent’s house, and came back home the next day (this would have been a week ago). Every night since then, I think to myself that I’m going to leave, move in with my parents and rid myself of this toxic relationship. Every morning I’m in complete denial. I don’t think that I’m capable of understanding that anyone doesn’t want to marry me because I’m diabetic. I just can’t wrap my head around it. I’m going through the motions and not realizing what I’m doing. A very close work friend knows the situation. She looked at me today and, with compassionate eyes, told me “I can’t believe he won’t marry you because you’re diabetic, my heart hurts for you.” I cried hearing it out loud.

I know I need to leave. SO has shattered my self esteem. Sometimes I feel that I’m not deserving of anyone. That I’m just not good enough, and he made me feel this way. I know that moving in with my parent’s at my age won’t be good for my self esteem, but it isn’t permanent (though my Dad always told me I should live with them until i’m 30!)

I don’t know. I just knew that I could get this off my chest to people who would understand. Oh, and any kind words would be very welcome at the moment. Thank you all for listening, I’m generally not a dramatic person, I just… I just need support.

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I don’t know you or your SO, but I feel you don’t need this guy in your life. Think carefully about what you do, use your head not your heart. Have you a good friend you can talk to?

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This is a MAJOR alarm. Bells ringing and lights flashing. If he isn’t willing to even contemplate the “for better or worse” clause when it’s still hypothetical, how will he behave if/when it becomes real? Actually, you already know the answer to that. He’s just demonstrated it to you.

Right. You don’t really have a serious condition. It’s all in your head and you’re just milking it. This is beneath contempt, sorry.

If that description applies to anyone in this relationship, it isn’t you. You’ve got it backwards.

Seriously: your first duty is to you. A good relationship is a gift from God. A defective one is worse than being alone. Your entire post shows that you have the strength to look beyond today and do what makes sense. You have friends here who will support you no matter how things go. Peace.

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I dont think he is not marrying you because of your diabetes. He is a coward and is using it as an excuse. If you broke your pinky that would have been the cause too. He is looking for excuses and your diabetes happened to be the one he chose. There is nothing wrong with you there is something wrong with him. People with diabetes live long normal lives. Dont let his cowardice weaken your self confidence cause your got your ducks in a row and are moving forward. Now you need to find a strong partner to do it with you. The sooner your rid of him the sooner you can find a better partner.

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Your post shows your strength and clarity of mind, whether you are aware of it, or not.

There is always that little voice inside each of us we need to heed.

You are braver than you know, stronger than you feel, and you deserve a partner who will share the joys and obstacles the future brings.

Mr. Rogers used to say that we all need to hear: each one of us is loving, AND lovable.

Keep posting your decisions, each step.
We will cheer for you.

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Is your boyfriend a barista?

I agree with Reese2, this has nothing to do with you having diabetes in actuality. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You seem like a very intelligent, thoughtful, and pretty young woman. If I were single I’d be thrilled to land a date with you. If he’s not willing or able to give you what you need, someone else certainly would be.

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You have a disease. A crappy one. I’m with us. But no one gets out alive. Whose to say he won’t get something in the future? At least you are taking steps and good for you for making it work with insurance.! Yes you are dependent on medication but thick and thin he likely will have SOMETHING in his life where he will need support and medication. And it sounds like you will be there for him if or when that does happen. I’m so sorry but maybe it is a blessing in disguise. Yes…you are diabetic. That doesn’t mean you are alien but you need a supportive life mate. You sound like an amazing smart and compassionate person. You deserve the best in life. Good luck.

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I understand how upsetting this is for you but I think you know where this is going. You are so much stronger than he could ever imagine. It sounds like he has tunnel vision and can only see himself in that tunnel. If he feels your health doesn’t fit into his vision, you really don’t want to be there. For him, it isn’t the diabetes or the insurance or the money, it’s his believing he is the most important person in therelationship.
There will be someone out there for you. Diabetes or not, you will find that perfect partner. I was so amazed when I meet my future husband way back when, and the diabetes was never an issue. He was actually the one who helped me get on track and finally believe that there would be a cure. And while my husband went into the marriage with me already having the disease for a long time, what would have happened, if you didn’t have diabetes now, but got it 10 years in? He doesn’t get the fact that a marriage is taking the good and he not so good and making it work for both partners. A lot of give and take. Sounds like there is more taking than giving on his part.
It sounds like you have a good idea what you want, so go out there and make it happen! You can and will do it. And besides new reports now state that us people with diabetes are living as long and in many cases longer than people without diabetes. We tend to take care of ourselves better than most people. So 50 years from now when you run into him on the street, you will probably be in better shape than he will be.

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Now that’s the spirit! LOL :smiley:

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If It were me I would end the relationship, grieve it and move on. You are young and you can recover from this and hopefully find someone more caring who will be there for you and not talk you down all the time. He is just using you now until he decides to leave permanently it seems because he has had all these thoughts for a long time now obviously.

There are no guarantees in life and anyone’s health can go south at any time. Remind him of that before you leave him, for all he knows his health could fail tomorrow and I’m sure he would want a partner who won’t abandon ship when he needs them. He is causing you psychological stress and it is possible there are other reasons besides the diabetes that he doesn’t want to marry you or anyone. I do feel diabetes is a major thing to live with for our family members, it is 24 hrs a day and disasters can strike at any time even when we do our best to take care of things. I personally don’t know if anyone could live with me with my diabetes in a relationship, and although it’s lonely sometimes it is easier to be alone and just have friends to hang around with.

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You have realized this and it’s a good thing, now you know that by staying you only allow him to make you feel this way longer. Why would it be hard on your self-esteem to stay with your parents for the interim? You are self-sufficient, they might be thrilled to have you! Toxic relationships have a tendency to weaken our belief in ourselves but it’s an illusion that lifts the moment you walk out of there. I noticed in your post that you really don’t mention that you are very attached to this guy (and why would you!) so he is just not the one for you anyways! If D was such a problem, why didn’t he break up with you? You see, some people play games where they reject a part of you just to see how hard you will try to get them to want you… but it is a sick game, don’t entertain him any longer.

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I think you know what the right thing to do is.

You sound very smart and personable and there is someone out there that is waiting for someone like you who will treat you like a you deserve.

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It’s obvious to me that you are smart young woman who knows how to be a good friend. That is no small thing in this life. If a good woman friend of yours brought this situation to you, what would you advise her? You know the answer and it’s not easy to face. You need to love yourself first before you can truly love another. If you discount your value then others may, too.

By the way, I am a happy single man. Don’t confuse being alone with being lonesome. Good luck with your decision. I usually hesitate to take a position in these kinds of things but your report to us makes your choice clear to me. Good luck to you.

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Let me tell you something. There are NO guarantees in life. All these what if scenarios of complications he’s describing that could happen to you…Guess what they can just as easily happen to him. Let me tell you how fast life can change in a blink of an eye. My 59 year old mother…no signs of any kind of illness…noting. came home from work one night 2 and 1/2 plus years ago…and suddenly unable to express herself. My stepfather was convinced it was a stroke, rushed her to the ER, where upon examination they discovered she has a brain tumor. Three days later they operate, and she’s told she has Glioblastoma, an extremely aggressive and terminal form of brain cancer. Their is a life expectancy of 12 to 14 months. Yes my mother defied the odds by being 2 1/2 years post diagnosis, but she now lays in a vegetative state waiting for this god awful disease to be done. That is how fast even for someone with no known medical problems life can change in the blink of an eye. NO ONE is promised diabetic or not that we are going to be here tomorrow. So you know what I say, take the best care of yourself that you can, live life to the fullest, and don’t look back at your life with any regrets. Don’t be afraid to live and don’t let diabetes rule your life. Most importantly don’t ever settle for someone who is going to bail on you the minute you need it, or can’t even be depended on when life is going relatively smoothly. Life can change for anyone in an instant. Be good to yourself and live your life, and live your life without someone who is going to drag you down, or split on you when you need them most.

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Dear MissMargie,

Thank you for sharing with your friends here! Sending you warm thoughts and support as you sort out what to do.

Best wishes,

marty1492