No words

I'm sitting here alone, crying my eyes out and I don't have anyone to go to. My mom is in the hospital again for what is likely liver failure. She's confused because the ammonia has built up in her blood and messed with her brain, and I feel so bad for her because it's not her fault. She didn't do anything to deserve this. The social worker is pushing hospice care, but she didn't know that. My dad mentioned hospice to her earlier tonight and she froze and said "So that's where I am. You brought me here to die." I could have slugged my dad. NO! We didn't bring you here to die, mom, we brought you here to get better so we can get your meds straightened out so you can live as long as you can and enjoy your grandkids and how happy they make you. You're NOT somewhere where you're going to die, we're going to fight and make it through this because you're tough and screw what the doctors say. One doctor put a guess at 2 years, if she got her meds balanced and took them every day and ate a "good diet." The only "med" that will help is one that gives her massive diarrhea, and even if she takes it religiously if she eats too much protein she can STILL have this happen AGAIN. I'm sitting here alone, crying my eyes out and I don't have anyone to turn to. No one can see me cry, I'm supposed to be strong, but I'm not! My mom is going to die in 2 years, probably less than that and I can't talk to anyone about it! No one I'm just gonna keep crying my eyes out here alone, with no one to turn to.

Cara, I'm so sorry. it's not easy, I know, I went through it with my dad. just be there for her. You're doing the best you can, I'm sure. I'm sending you some healing thoughts and lots of hugs and deep breaths.

Gee, what a sad situation for all of you. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this Cara. I always wondered which is know or not to know. We weren't told that my Dad was dying and he died a few days after my birthday. Thankfully, we had a good visit with him at the hospital the week before. I cried. Cry as much as you need to Hon and give your Mom lots of Love, support and even small gifts to make her smile or her fav music. Be good to you. Warm hugs to you.

Dear dear Cara...sending hugs and prayers for strength to you and your Mom. Often our strength will be from within us that we don't realize we have until the time it is truly needed. And deep within you is a tremendous strength that only you can have. It is one truly very difficult situation you and your family is confronted with. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Indeed you have to be strong with your dad and Mom...When there is life, there is always hope. Show all the love and care for your Mom...spend lots of time with her. You should try not to be alone too. Talk your dad, siblings (if you have), close relatives and dear friends. You should also take good care of yourself.

you are not alone, we are all with you

Cara, we here at TU, love you, I knwo the heartbreak of losing my mother, and how tough it is to be in the midst of your moms illness and feel so terribly alone. Please check in with us and let us carry some of this burden. I wish I could say everything will be fine. Unfortunately I cannot in good conscious do that. What I can say is you never alone, we, those who care for this site, will always be here for you. Take care, there are nearly 30,00 members who have your back.

Thanks for the comments. I just don't know what to do. I know I'm by far not the first person to have ever lost a parent or a loved one, but this just came on so quickly and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. My sister is in South Dakota with her husband's family, my father doesn't do well with situations like this plus he has to keep an eye on HIS father (they're both diabetic too, and I don't want my dad to get upset and low because because he can't feel it when he does and he bottoms out and has seizures). I can't talk to a pastor or anything because the one I'd talk to at my church is retiring and he's all "burnt out" so he either can't or won't help me... I've got nothing. I'm despairing all by myself and I hurt so bad but I still have to put on a brave face for my mom and so I don't break down and start crying in front of hospital staff.

I'm sick of having fights with people at this ridiculous hospital! I swear, some of the nurses and the doctor who's on duty this week must have been grandfathered in without ever having had to attend school. They're not managing her diabetes properly, even though they're continuously harping at her about it. They'll check her blood sugar, correct for a high, give her a meal, but then not give any insulin to cover the carbs in the meal! Then they wonder why she's high at the next meal!!!!! I told them that they need to correct/adjust for BOTH and the nurse said that she couldn't because of the doctor's orders, so I made her call the doctor and the doctor was "fine" with her blood sugar being a bit high. She's been around 200 or so all day, and was 224 at the time the doctor made the brilliant conclusion (and had just eaten a meal that included pineapple, strawberries, and grapes). Gee, I wonder what her next blood sugar is going to be. That and the fact that being near 200 all day probably isn't helping her already failing body. I'm so angry that I want to punch the wall again and again. Am I overreacting?

Cara, depending on the illness, aggressive diabetes management may help healing or make it worse (makes it worse particularly in some kinds of heart crises). When I've been in the hospital for non-D reasons we have corrected very un-aggressively because lows were much too dangerous to risk.
That said, you're certainly right that it's a better idea to inject for a meal before it's eaten.

I think sometimes when I'm sick or a family member is very sick (my brother spent a month in the hospital with malignant catatonia earlier this year) I have a tendency to find fault with somebody because that feels safer than getting mad about other things.

So my answer to are you over reacting is a little bit, but it's normal to over react to things when you're dealing with your mother's illness. I wish for you emotional strength and also good protective boxing gloves.

Hi Cara,

Many of us are thinking of you and sending warm thoughts!

I'm sorry that I don't know a lot about this, so if I ask irrelevant questions, I'm sorry in advance!

Does the hospital have a patient advocate who could help your mom and help get the medical staff to listen to your concerns?

Can your mother's regular doctor do anything about either clarifying whether it is safer for her bg to be in the 200s--or talking to the hospital staff about what level her bg should be at and how to achieve that?

Does anyone know whether a hospital would have a grief counselor on staff or how Cara could find one?

For now, we're thinking of you and sending love and support. Please let us know how things are going.