Since I can remember, ive always felt different than everyone else, as a child i had these extreme intense feelings of being lost and not belonging in my body. Ive always had the feeling of emptyness and seeking something far greater then what I knew, I come from a family with very limited emotional support, they always supperted the relisation of diabetes but never the emosional side of it. I am now at a place inmy life where i am very much overwhelmed, with all the left right slaps that diabetes hands out more than once in a while, underactive thyroid, endometriosis, groin problems, and an emotional state of a speeding train, and know Brittle diabetes that reacts on every emotion I get, maiking controling my glucose levels near to impossible. I sometimes wonder if I went against God's wishes to die at age 12, when i was admitted with a sugar level of 33, the Dr's response to my mother was how is she still breathing. Ive been in a hospital every year of my life since I was born, been strapped to the bed due to the fact that I get so angry and hated to be injected. I believe that this made an emotional scare on my young self , still till today I like giving hugs and support but HATE it when my personal space feels invaded. The thought of not being in cotrol of my body scares me so much. I cant let go, this being sad ive made myself so obsessed with everything that I can seem to grab a hold of it and all is going out of control. At 12 years old I use to sleep with my hand on my chest just to make sure I can feel my heart beat. My mind is wondering places i dont want to go but its on his own and i cant seem to catch it, this is why im wondering maby God wanted me to come home, and we are trying to stop it and still im trying to stop it because I want to live, but is it worth it? everthing that was supposed to be a great event in my life wasnt it just broke my heart, and i dont know why? I want to experiece everything thats beautiful, but I cant find it here, and thats why i fight so hard to stay so that I can reach that beauty, but what if it isn't here? with a glucose level of 33 when i was 12 i never felt this way my body feels tired and my soul feels overwhelmed by being OVERWHELMED.
