Since I can remember, ive always felt different than everyone else, as a child i had these extreme intense feelings of being lost and not belonging in my body. Ive always had the feeling of emptyness and seeking something far greater then what I knew, I come from a family with very limited emotional support, they always supperted the relisation of diabetes but never the emosional side of it. I am now at a place inmy life where i am very much overwhelmed, with all the left right slaps that diabetes hands out more than once in a while, underactive thyroid, endometriosis, groin problems, and an emotional state of a speeding train, and know Brittle diabetes that reacts on every emotion I get, maiking controling my glucose levels near to impossible. I sometimes wonder if I went against God's wishes to die at age 12, when i was admitted with a sugar level of 33, the Dr's response to my mother was how is she still breathing. Ive been in a hospital every year of my life since I was born, been strapped to the bed due to the fact that I get so angry and hated to be injected. I believe that this made an emotional scare on my young self , still till today I like giving hugs and support but HATE it when my personal space feels invaded. The thought of not being in cotrol of my body scares me so much. I cant let go, this being sad ive made myself so obsessed with everything that I can seem to grab a hold of it and all is going out of control. At 12 years old I use to sleep with my hand on my chest just to make sure I can feel my heart beat. My mind is wondering places i dont want to go but its on his own and i cant seem to catch it, this is why im wondering maby God wanted me to come home, and we are trying to stop it and still im trying to stop it because I want to live, but is it worth it? everthing that was supposed to be a great event in my life wasnt it just broke my heart, and i dont know why? I want to experiece everything thats beautiful, but I cant find it here, and thats why i fight so hard to stay so that I can reach that beauty, but what if it isn't here? with a glucose level of 33 when i was 12 i never felt this way my body feels tired and my soul feels overwhelmed by being OVERWHELMED
Its a tough time to be young. Up into your own mind can be a dangerous place to go, all alone.
Hi Leoni. I'm sorry you feel as you do and applaud you for coming on here and telling us about it. You are in good company here with 35,000 diabetics who understand what you go through with your D every day and I reassure you there are many who struggle as you do emotionally. I also encourage you to find a community of Type 1 diabetics near you so you can have real life contact with others.
Having said that, it may not be enough. I strongly encourage you to get involved in therapy. Ideally with someone who is themselves a Type 1, but not necessarily. Someone with experience of chronic illness would help, but what is important about a therapist is that they are the right one for you. I suggest interviewing a few; many therapists offer a free initial session, and finding the one you feel most comfortable with. Talking about how you feel with someone who can support and encourage you to find that "beautiful place" you talk about in the world around you, but more importantly inside yourself. Please do this for yourself. We can relate to you and we care what happens to and for you.
I echo what Zoe said - be so proud that you are reaching out and know that you might benefit from some outside help. This is an exhausting disease at times and it can help to have some outside perspective.
I'll offer one, small thing to try and please take it or leave it. Next time you have a moment when you are feeling less overwhelmed, try and take a moment and make a list of things that you bring you pleasure, no matter how small that pleasure may be. Maybe it's a cup of green tea, or hearing a bird sing, or watching a sappy movie. Keep that list near at hand and when you are in that place where everything is feeling too much pull it out and tell yourself you'll try one of them for 5 minutes. Just give that one a chance and see if it can create a small shift in your outlook and try to be open to noticing that shift no matter how small it might be.
It can feel alone with this disease but you are not alone. I hope you feel the support even from afar.
Hi Crystal, thank you for your comment and I will do as you said I think that can maby shift my mind a bit, I need it so bad wish I new why I never had a entire day that I just could be happy, when im so blessed, I sometimes hate myself for being so pathetic. I'm going to do as you said thank tou for your support.
Hi Zoe Thank you for your reply I have a wonderfull therapist, but i dont see her anymore because its expensive , i first saw her when i was admitted in the 'losing it place' lol, but it did me well because my levels where perfect but you cant stay there forever, you have to get back to the real world, and that scares me. I just want to get a grip and be in control, because im not i dont think i lost hope, ive always had hope for others but never myself, i need to get that right. I just need to find that place. Thank you for your comment and your advise i will do as much as i can to do it, this helps you know talking to people who never once told me just be strong, thank you for that.
very true
Full disclaimer - I am a therapist/counsellor myself (along with a Type 1)! I write this though as a fellow diabetic... another thing I've found helpful are the writings/audio recordings of Pema Chodron - it's Buddhist philosophy but really focuses on how we are all a mix of contrasts - parts we like and parts we don't and how finding peace within starts with acknowledging the messy bits we don't like and having compassion for ourselves around them. And we ALL have them! :)
And contrasts help to give life richness - you can't appreciate those moments of happiness/peace/hope without a bit of darkness to hold the light. It sounds much more "fluffy" when I write it out than I think it really is. Also easier to approach for the first time when you are not fully in the dark. I feel I am rambling (I had a night of resistant highs myself!) but I hope there is something in there you can use.