It's actually not my style to write a public blog post that isn't uplifting. I try to set out with a purpose to start with the struggle, write through the obstacles, then paint a rosy picture of the Happily Ever After.
Right now though, I'm in a rut and can't find a way to get out.
I've found myself upset a lot today and disappointed in a friend, but let me go back a bit further...
I was diagnosed with type 2 in April and in the space of three weeks, went from no medications at all to metformin, repaglinide and then insulin was added too. And my thyroid died, so I started thyroxine. I also started on cholesterol and blood pressure tablets to protect my kidneys and another tablet to control the nerve pain and sensations in my feet. I was at appointments more than I was at work. Everything was changing so fast. I felt a complete lack of control of my life. Needless to say, all of this was a big shock and a massive adjustment that I was forced to make.
To put this further into perspective - Between January 2011 and April 2013, I lost over 50Kg in a healthy way, with diet and exercise. I lost weight and gained life - At half of my previous weight, I found a true love for running, hiking and all things outdoors. I fell in love with being active. I found that I had a passion for sharing my journey with others, so I became a weight loss consultant so that I could help others with this too.
For the two months after diagnosis, I would actually say that I suffered immense grief. I mourned the new lease on life, choices and freedom that I had lost. Recently, it had slowly begun to feel ok. Like I just started to adjust to a new normal. The major factor that helped this was the great support that my boss and colleagues at work gave me; Over the last year or so, I had gotten to know them better and them me. Over the past few months, they have offered me their ear, made sure I was doing ok, and have been patient with me suffering highs and lows (and thus not doing an optimal job at times). When I gained weight initially with the insulin, so many of them told me I needed to sort out the diabetes and my health first, and they kindly told me that it wasn't obvious that I was slightly overweight. They knew I needed to hear that, and I'm so grateful.
In the last few weeks, I have started to feel a lot more sorted with the insulin and tablets. I've felt physically and mentally wonderful. I've actually thought that I feel so good that I wish I had been diagnosed years ago! Consequently, I've been able to focus on fitting carb exchanges into my total daily energy intake for weight loss and am back to a healthy weight. It was a struggle - it was much harder to lose that 1.3Kg than it was to lose 50Kg! I found that I need to stay quite high during the day to offset sudden dips that occur during more active times, but this means I am hungry a lot and battle terrible cravings. It was worth it, but I found it really hard.
I was talking to my friend and colleague, 'Ben', who helped me lose the 50Kg. I told him that I found it really hard. I admitted that I'm not fond of the thought that this struggle will return again and again, but that I'm determined to fight it. 'Ben' said that it shouldn't be hard - if I'm doing things right I should find controlling my weight easy.
That's what upset me.
I had always been so thankful of 'Ben' for helping me lose the 50Kg, so I have always respected him. If he needed a favour, I'd always offer, since I wanted to show him how thankful I was. So hearing that he thought I 'wasn't doing things right' was difficult. Doing my job well is personal to me. My job is helping others lose weight, so if he thinks I can't control my own weight, it really saddens me because it makes me think he doesn't respect me.
So tonight my confidence and spark for life is a bit on the low side. I'm disappointed and there have been tears. I know I should never place my happiness in the hands of people I don't trust, but on the other hand, I don't want to never take a risk with people either. Most people are worth taking a risk on, in my opinion. I'm upset right now. I'm hoping tomorrow is brighter.