Saddened right now :(

It's actually not my style to write a public blog post that isn't uplifting. I try to set out with a purpose to start with the struggle, write through the obstacles, then paint a rosy picture of the Happily Ever After.

Right now though, I'm in a rut and can't find a way to get out.

I've found myself upset a lot today and disappointed in a friend, but let me go back a bit further...

I was diagnosed with type 2 in April and in the space of three weeks, went from no medications at all to metformin, repaglinide and then insulin was added too. And my thyroid died, so I started thyroxine. I also started on cholesterol and blood pressure tablets to protect my kidneys and another tablet to control the nerve pain and sensations in my feet. I was at appointments more than I was at work. Everything was changing so fast. I felt a complete lack of control of my life. Needless to say, all of this was a big shock and a massive adjustment that I was forced to make.

To put this further into perspective - Between January 2011 and April 2013, I lost over 50Kg in a healthy way, with diet and exercise. I lost weight and gained life - At half of my previous weight, I found a true love for running, hiking and all things outdoors. I fell in love with being active. I found that I had a passion for sharing my journey with others, so I became a weight loss consultant so that I could help others with this too.

For the two months after diagnosis, I would actually say that I suffered immense grief. I mourned the new lease on life, choices and freedom that I had lost. Recently, it had slowly begun to feel ok. Like I just started to adjust to a new normal. The major factor that helped this was the great support that my boss and colleagues at work gave me; Over the last year or so, I had gotten to know them better and them me. Over the past few months, they have offered me their ear, made sure I was doing ok, and have been patient with me suffering highs and lows (and thus not doing an optimal job at times). When I gained weight initially with the insulin, so many of them told me I needed to sort out the diabetes and my health first, and they kindly told me that it wasn't obvious that I was slightly overweight. They knew I needed to hear that, and I'm so grateful.

In the last few weeks, I have started to feel a lot more sorted with the insulin and tablets. I've felt physically and mentally wonderful. I've actually thought that I feel so good that I wish I had been diagnosed years ago! Consequently, I've been able to focus on fitting carb exchanges into my total daily energy intake for weight loss and am back to a healthy weight. It was a struggle - it was much harder to lose that 1.3Kg than it was to lose 50Kg! I found that I need to stay quite high during the day to offset sudden dips that occur during more active times, but this means I am hungry a lot and battle terrible cravings. It was worth it, but I found it really hard.

I was talking to my friend and colleague, 'Ben', who helped me lose the 50Kg. I told him that I found it really hard. I admitted that I'm not fond of the thought that this struggle will return again and again, but that I'm determined to fight it. 'Ben' said that it shouldn't be hard - if I'm doing things right I should find controlling my weight easy.

That's what upset me.

I had always been so thankful of 'Ben' for helping me lose the 50Kg, so I have always respected him. If he needed a favour, I'd always offer, since I wanted to show him how thankful I was. So hearing that he thought I 'wasn't doing things right' was difficult. Doing my job well is personal to me. My job is helping others lose weight, so if he thinks I can't control my own weight, it really saddens me because it makes me think he doesn't respect me.

So tonight my confidence and spark for life is a bit on the low side. I'm disappointed and there have been tears. I know I should never place my happiness in the hands of people I don't trust, but on the other hand, I don't want to never take a risk with people either. Most people are worth taking a risk on, in my opinion. I'm upset right now. I'm hoping tomorrow is brighter.

Are you miserable? Then it’s not a keeper. Instead of high often why not eat before workout and during. This works if basal can’t be lowered. Lower it an hour before run and have food three hours before food. Or maybe just a gel pack schedule during run time.

Thanks Aaron. That's a good idea about lowering it an hour before a run - the other bits I do right now, and they work for me :) To my surprise, getting levels right during and after a run aren't as hard as I thought.

The times I'm getting sudden lows are when I'm rushing about at work, doing the shopping or housework. Since this is the bulk of most days, this is why I've aimed to sit high most of the time. Any suggestions with that? I actually feel best and amazing between 4.3 and 4.8 but I know that's WAY too low for comfort!

First off you need to realize that being diagnosed with diabetes is a little like facing death and you need to grieve. For you have lost something and it will never be the same. I always felt I went through the five stages of grief as explained by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Those stages are D'Nial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. They can all occur at different times, lengths and phases and the feelings you have are entirely normal and understandable.

You need to come to terms. Maybe your weight loss and ability to maintain a lower weight before diagnosis was actually because your diabetes was causing you to lose weight. And maybe your rise in weight has nothing to do with being unhealthy, rather is insulin helping you to find your natural healthy weight. And why would you not believe you cannot help others simply because you gained a few pounds. And you must understand, controlling weight is not easy, controlling weight with diabetes is even harder.