I’d been feeling so good for the last 3 months, I’d almost forgotten what it felt like. That feeling of desperation, anger, resentment… hopelessness. It’s like a vicious cycle of feelings, and waning strength; they all feed off of each other. You try hard not to let it get to you, but it’s difficult. You see the 6 o’clock news, and the headlines are enough to drive anyone to tears.
I tend to feel the victim a lot, too, when I'm depressed... "poor me, why did I have to get Hypothyroidism, PCOS, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome (in both arms), IBS, Diabetes, etc, etc..." "why did I have to get sick, have that seizure at my desk, and lose my job..." "why are there people in the world who feed off of causing harm to others, and hurting others... and their little followers who laugh at it?" "Why did my many years of hard work, and sacrifice, for an ungrateful employer never pay off?" ... And then I blame myself... "I am a bad person, and bad people lose jobs, and don't get jobs... " "bad people give themselves diabetes..." "and bad people get nagged and harassed by others... even inside 'support' communities."
We diabetics come in all shapes, and sizes, and all attitudes, as well. I know. Some people are caring, kind, supporting, and will go out of their way to help you understand where you are, and where you need to be; some people are jerks, and will go out of their way to be mean to you, and tear you down. (It doesn't matter if they have Diabetes. As much as we'd like to believe it, it's not the universal bond.) Some people write about hopes and dreams, of finding a cure, of supporting one another, of learning, and confronting 'the system'; some people write about blame (blaming either type of Diabetes, for their current troubles, or lot in life.) I think if I read another blog post about some Type 1 blaming Type 2's, or some Type 2 blaming Type 1's, for all their problems, and not getting good insurance, I will scream. People are denied insurance all the time, who did NOT cause their own illnesses, like people with Cancer, or Multiple Sclerosis... get real. It is happening every day, to ANYONE, with a chronic health condition. That kind of choice of attitude from our own people, is particularly depressing.
So I feel blue today. I feel blue because some poor person got their spouse taken away from their grasp, during a tsunami, in Chile... blue because a young man, in the prime of his life, killed his football coach during an episode of uncontrolled schizophrenia, blue... because I'm scared I'll lose my apartment, my phone service, all my ability to manage my diabetes, because I haven't found a job... blue because I have no insurance... blue because there are all manner of bullies, and uncaring jerks in the world... blue because I no longer hit numbers below 100, on my own, for fasting sugars... blue because so many do not respect what you have to say about Diabetes, unless you tell them your A1C... blue because we are supposed to be a united community, and not bickering over our jaded experiences...
Blue because tomorrow is uncertain, and for today, I just have to be strong, and I feel weak. In the end, if you are not your own support, you just simply can't expect to find it somewhere else... though it's a blessing if you do. You have to love yourself, forgive yourself, let yourself care about others... and cry about others misfortunes, with them, and then support your OWN self, and move on... For tomorrow is another day.