I think the following discussion really is so helpful, please read it
https://forum.tudiabetes.org/topics/worst-diabetic-ever-needs-help
you need to start with some small steps in the right direction. YOU CAN DO THIS. I've had it for almost 47 years, and for me at least, "complete control" is not possible. I do however, check my blood often. I don't look at it as a blood "test", because that might make me feel like it's something I either passed or failed, and that is not going to help me feel any better about myself. If it's a high number, I think, "wow, glad I caught that now instead of later, guess I'll take a correction". (and if it's low, I use it as an opportunity to eat some candy). I used to beat myself up mercilessly.
I agree with jriccardi, it does sound as though you've already started anew. You joined this wonderful community. We're got your back here, no matter how many times you might stumble or fall, there will always be a friend here to lend a hand (or an ear).