i’ve been busier than i have in quite a while - school, friends, planning a trip. but i don’t think i’ve felt this lonely in a while. i don’t talk to a single one of my class mates after i walk out the door (even though they seem to like me well enough, save one, during classes), the friends i do have in this state are extremely hard for me to see as they aparently have far grander social lives than i, and i plan my trip over the phone and the internet. i haven’t seen the people i’m closest to since june. i miss my family. i get panic attacks, which have been rare until after the move. and my fiancee’s mother is constantly pitting us against each other. she tells me to lie and keep secrets from people s that she can save face. she admits that she’s done her sons a disservice in the way she has let them behave, but expects me to do the very same things for her son that she wishes she hadn’t. i could go on about that, and i’m sure i will in a bit…
some things happened last year that i’ve never fully recovered from. i don’t care to detail them. at this point it’s between me and my phsychaitrist. but i feel like i lost myself somewhere along the road of tragedy that i stumbled upon. i wanted to make so many others happy and now i’m not. i gave up myself to meet expectations that i never can. i don’t like or understand the woman that i have become. i feel fake and so much older than i am. an i have thegrey hairs to prove it. i want to be who i once was, or at least not who i am now. i hate spending my days lying to people and i’m pretty sure they can tell that i’m faking being okay. i’ve become very removed from the people and things that have mattered to me. i’ve lost strength, will, and confidence in astronomical degrees in such a short period. i hadn’t been strong for very long before this happened. it’s probably going to be a log, long time before i can build up that strength again.