I can relate to the feeling. When I was first diagnosed, all the docs told me I wouldnt be able to have children. That was a sucker punch because my whole life I wanted to have babies- to build a family and teach them how to be strong and to survive in this world, to make it better. I was diagnosed at age 14 and went to a bunch of charity functions aftwerward. So many people with Type 1 were dying at age 35-40 years old, that the majority of my diabetes life I thought that was when my time was going to be up. I threw in the towel for a few years and let D get the best of me.
Then I got pissed. I’m the only Type 1 in my family. The only other diabetic is my grandfather with recently diagnosed Type 2. I had basically no knowledge about the entire disease, let alone the different types and different treatments. Then, to add that this disease was raping me of my teen years, of my hopes and dreams, and topped it off with not being able to have my own babies- to feel them growing inside my belly- to watch them grow and see the resemblances to me and my husband.
I’ve ached for a baby of my own since I was 17 years old. I had a lot of trouble getting my glucose levels under control for years. Insulin resistance, insulin allergies, pump failures, insulin shock comas, ketoacidosis, etc. The list goes on and on. I thought I would NEVER earn the right to be a mother- but I was going to try my damnedest to make it to that goal because that’s all that I’ve ever wanted. Despite what my doctors told me, I brought my A1c down to 6.5% last year. And despite what they still told me, I conceived our first baby last summer. We lost her at 9 weeks. I conceived again 5 weeks later. She is now almost 22 weeks gestational and holding on. I am hoping to meet her in 15 weeks.
I’m afraid. I am working really hard and diligently to make sure my BG levels stay balanced. I’ve been to see so many doctors in the past few months- but they know that I will only trust myself and listen to myself when it comes to medications. I havent had an A1c since January, but I’m betting this next one will be a lot closer to 6.0% with balanced BG readings. I hope that I’ve done enough to keep my baby girl healthy and strong.
Diabetes sucks. Literally, it sucks the life right out of most of us. It drains our hopes and our dreams and then starts pulling our loved ones down with it. I wish Diabetes were a person so I could strangle it. Then I’d bloodlet it.
But since it’s not… and I’m not crazy… I have to work with it to make sure that I can have the best life possible. If not for myself, then for my daddy. If not for him, then for my husband. If not for them, then for my baby girl- whom I’ve never met but who already has every piece of my heart beating just for her.
You can do this. You’re already so much improved based on your recent A1c. We diabetics, we have to overcome so many obstacles. And I’ve definitely had the thought pass through my head like “Crack addicts can healthy babies, so why can’t I?” Then I sit down to watch that TLC program when I’m feeling really down “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” and figure, “If they went through their whole 9 months of pregnancy, drinking, smoking, partying, and whatnot else, and they didn’t know they were pregnant- at least I am aware of what’s happening and taking every measure possible to make sure baby comes out healthy. I’ve got to have a healthy baby.”
If none of this works, then come talk to us. We’ve all been (for the most part) in your shoes- or at least a great pair of knock-offs! Good work and good luck.