A lost day... lifetimes that wont bring relief

ok…feeling sorry for me today. My son’s 17th birthday is today. He’s no where around here.
I miss him,love him, want my family together. It will never happen. My soap opera life that goes on no matter how much I sometimes just want to get off the wagon.
I’m not diabetically on the wagon right now anyway. I’m out of control. I don’t feel like I care anymore. I have few teststrips left and less desire to use them.
A chat with my husband on the phone didn’t help today. I tried to tell him that I’m not in control.
I am not doing myself any favors with not knowing one day to the next if I can afford to pay copays,buy what is needed. I’d rather just stop using it all and live til whenever. I don’t want to keep reminding him to please call and find out about insurance. I must not mean much to him. I thought I did.
My new plan for life? One day at a time… do what I can. Let go and not feel guilty about too many or few carbs. Or protein or whatever. I’m gonna play with my kids. Sit in the sun. Weed my garden and watch everything grow. I’m going to make an effort to get more than 4 hours of sleep each night. I hope.
After all this chronic disorder is all about sleepless nights, obesity,fight/flight mode of life. So what’s new? nothing. this chronic disease is my fault.
Scary highs… falling asleep. Scary lows… that happen awake or asleep. Getting the shakes on either side of high or low. who cares so long as I’m not driving a vehicle and the kids are safe. When my responsibilities are over; or my chores are done. this chronic disease will still be a part of me.I’ll be taking a long nap then. for eternity.

i read your blog, although i can’t say that i relate to the insureance/payment thing, i can surely say that i relate to a part of the last paragraph. i hate diabetes. i hate going to low in the middle of the night then having the feeling you need to eat everything to bring it up when you really just need some orange juice, then going to high… i’ve had diabetes since 2001, and i’m turning 18 soon… but i feel like i’ll never overcome this, and it’ll b the death of me. kidney disease runs in my family, and i’m scared to have to go on dialysis later in life. i’m also scared that i prolly won’t be able to have kids, because i suck at diabetes.

so i will join in with ya… diabetes is the stupidest thing.


Oh Meadowlark, I’m so sorry that you are in a bad patch right now. I wish you better days ahead.

Meadowlark…I keep thinking about the picture you put on this site of your precious children drinking one of your green smoothies right out of the blender. You put the photo up to show me how delicious a low carb smoothie could be. I appreciated you helping me (and others) when I was having a tough time working out what to eat. You worry that your husband doesn’t care enough. You know he does…just like you care enough about your kids to try and be here for them, in as much health as you can muster. As huge a challenge as your physical problems are, you are so fortunate to be armed with knowledge to deal with them. You know what you need to do. You may be tired as hell off dealing, but you know you can do it. if it helps, all of us here are thinking of you.

Meadowlark, I wish the best for you. You always bring so much good to TuDiabetes.

Thankyou. I just got hit this morning with yet another hurt. Porn in my house.:frowning:
I will deal with it. Not without more hurting. See? this is my soap opera life.
More pain, more hurt. My number this morning before breakfast ?181. sigh.