A New Mode

Now that I am back at work, and, really, back among the living I get
asked a lot how I am doing. I think i fielded that question at least 20
times in the last few weeks since school started. I usually answer that I
am feeling ok. Not really normal, but, maybe, a new normal? That’s the
thing I am most recently learning;. I thought this new disease was an
easy fix, just take some meds and I am back to normal, problem solved
and, really, over with. But we are so bad at mimicking with meds what
the body does so naturally. Stress goes up and your body matches it
with increased thyroid levels. So I am always having to change my dose
to match my activity level and stress level so that I don’t get too far
behind on the fatigue. And it sneaks up on me sometimes. I am learning
to recognize my stress levels and trying to be proactive with dose
changes. The diabetes has taught me a lot when it comes to that, but,
of course, when I change my thyroid levels, it changes all of the
protocols I have developed to manage the diabetes so it’s like I am no
longer solving equations in one or two variables, but now have 4 or 5
dimensional problems. With all that, if I can manage a “just ok” I
think I am doing pretty damn well. It has, overall, dulled my
personality, though. I have become the things I hate far too much,
jittery and on edge, and lost the part that I loved so much about
myself, that zip and spunk, willing to take on any challenge and always
looking for an adventure, and when it gets all out of whack, it
inhibits my sense of clarity and judgment and I sometimes do things I
normally would not because it has temporarily warped my sense of
reality. I am trying not to act on those whims but sometimes I let it
slip. I am, also, working against a whole new set of fears that my body
will fail again. I had to learn, in the worst of it, not to push my
body because it would mean a week or two of recovery, a really bad,
tortuous recovery, so I am trying to unlearn that self-preservation
mode and re-enter into the push-myself-as hard-as-i-can mode. Tough
switch since I don’t know where those new boundaries lie. I don’t want
to overshoot them, but I do want to get very close to the edge asap. I
think I might have to fall over the edge a few times to really find it

From anything that I have read that you have written I am surprised to hear some of what you are saying! I realize a “good day” can turn into a nightmare easily but overall you seem on top of it. Having thyroid issues would really complicate matters but you seem up to the challenge. When always challenging the boundaries you will go too far sometimes but it’s better than never testing yourself and being afraid of life. I guess my point is that you had a rough week or two but you’ll get yourself back on your feet again and in no time ready to take that sailing trip. I honestly could not see myself doing it without someone to be with me in case of troubles. Everyone has fears which is normal. It’s how you let those affect your life that I think matters. As for stress and those boundaries, I am a crash and burn girl, lol. I have a hard time with that one too. Somehow I can’t seem to see it except when someone points it out to me. And even then I might or might not listen. Guess I am a slow learner! Given time, I hope we both learn a lesson from the last crash. L

Some of us were diagnosed early enough/so long ago (in my case 30 years ago) that I have a hard time remembering “the old normal”. So I don’t really have questions about how I feel or what the boundaries are NOW, I have questions about how I felt THEN (of course I was just a kid too!).

And yeah, I know all about push-as-hard-as-you-can, done that many many times over the years just to prove to myself, or others, that the diabetes isn’t limiting me. But maybe not the healthiest (psychologically) thing to do all the time.

Yeah. i dont remember the old pre-D. but now i also have a pre-thyroid normal to throw in the mix also. so my normal is 2 levels removed. looks like i will just have to establish a new normal :slight_smile:

Hey normal is relative.