Isn't it strange how we do some of our most profound thinking right before we go to bed? We get in bed to go to sleep to renew and prepare ourselves for what the next day has in store for us and we can't help but think about what happened that day or the things that have been stressing us out the most. I think it has something to do with the fact that when you're laying in bed, nothing but darkness and if you're lucky, silence, is surrounding you so you have nothing else to do but think.
This is the time I spend thinking about my diabetes the most. Now this may be because I'm usually either stressing about having a high blood sugar and wondering whether or not it will be in range when I wake up the next morning or struggling to get it high enough to be able to go to sleep without worrying about it going low in the middle of the night. Usually I spend this time of night upset about my diabetes and struggling to keep at it. It seems so easy to just say I'm done with it and let my numbers go way out of whack and just forget about everything. Now, I realize how irresponsible and stupid this would be which is why I haven't done it and hopefully will never be stupid enough to do it later on in life. I also realize that I have yet to accept this life changing disease.
Tomorrow will mark the two year anniversary of when my life changed. I admit, as most people told me when i was diagnosed, it does get easier. However, it's also still extremely difficult. I still have no idea what to do at times and at times, I still feel completely alone and like no one understands despite the abundance of other pople living with diabetes. It's one of those things that you can't really explain. I know my body well enough that I can tell when I'm having a low or high blood sugar or what kind of foods affect my blood sugar in different ways, but there are still so many variables involved that sometimes I'm left without any idea of what to do to make things better. These different variables and the feeling of being completely lost get old pretty fast and make it hard to come to terms with things.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm nowhere near coming to terms with my diabetes and fully accepting it. Everything just happened so fast that I was forced into this new routine that I had no choice but to follow. I had no choice in the matter. It just happened. I had no time to process things and no time to really think things through. There was no grieving process for me because there was no time for it. My life had to change right away and things were always going to be different. Well, I guess that surpressed grieving process decided it wanted to start. For the past few months it's been slowly eating away at me. I think it's affected me to the point where i'm just generally not as happy as I used to be. Basically I feel like the diabetes has made me into a different person. Someone who I don't want to be. Someone who looks at the one bad thing in her life as outweighing all of the good when it shouldn't. Granted it is the biggest thing in my life that I have to deal with everyday. I've also become a person who's angry at God. Someone I never thought I would be and hoped I never would be. This is the first and only thing in my life that has made me feel this way and it hurts more than anything else. I can't even count the number of times I asked him why something like this happened to me. That was the first thing I asked when I was diagnosed. I went into the bathroom of the doctor's office, cried like crazy and asked God why? Why would he do something like this to me? What did i do to deserve this added stres sin my life? Why was he making my life so much more difficult? To be honest, i've struggled so much with my faith since I was diagnosed that I feel like I don't have a relationship with God anymore and just thinking that I can't help but cry. I think that's part of the reason I can't accept it. I have no idea what God's plan for me is with my diabetes. I have no idea why this had to be a part of his plan for me.
I've come to realize though that it's alright that I haven't accepted it yet. Sure there are some people out there who may think I should have been able to accept it by now and can't understand why I feel some of the things I feel, but everyone does things in their own way in their own time. And no matter how many people tell me not to stress out about it or worry about it, I'm still going to. I know that over time it will get easier and I'll get better at it and figure things out, but for the time being it sucks and i'm not going to pretend it doesn't. I just want to be straight forward with everyone and with myself about it.
I hope this isn't turning out to sound like some kind of pity party i'm throwing for myself. I just finally feel like getting out into the open my feelings about my diabetes. I've tried keeping everything to myself since that's just what I do. Never tell anything as personal as this to anyone except those really close to me. Hide everything inside that's remotely close to something that people would feel sorry for me about. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I'm more blessed than I could possibly imagine and have had so many wonderful things happen in my life it almost feels selfish to complain about something like this. I just don't want to come off to people like there's nothing wrong with my life or like I'm perfect with my diabetes. I certainly am not.
Anyways, I just needed to get this off my chest since it's been bugging me for a while and with tomorrow being the anniversary of my diagnoses, everything just kind of came at me full force. I understand if some people don't understand why I feel this way or why it's taking me so long to come to terms with things. They're not going to and that's fine. I just hope that some people will now have a better understanding of who I am when it comes to my diabetes.