Am i expecting too much from my significant other?

1

I was diagnosed with type 1 just over 3 years ago at the age of 27. The day happened about 5 months before we got married. He has been, for the most part, very supportive. Just recently he told me that it is my diabetes therefore it is my problem.

The first time he said this was about a month ago. I work about an hour from home and I accidentally left the house with 1 test strip. I realized it half way to work. I called him and asked if he would bring me a vial to work and he flat out said no. (He is unemployed and does pretty much nothing all day.) I was so upset I cried all the way back home and then all the way back to work.

The second was a few nights ago. I woke up at 2am with a BG of 40. He was just coming to bed and I asked for help. He brought me the container of glucose tabs, crawled into bed, turned off the light and went to sleep. The light is on his side so I had to get up and go to the kitchen till it was time to retest. I ended up having to be up for over an hour before I was near 100 and felt comfortable enough to go back to sleep.

So lately I feel very alone in my diabetes. Our marriage has been pretty rocky since last October and I have to say his ‘new’ attitude is not helping. Am I expecting too much from him? Should I just forget about it and deal? Has anybody else run into a wall like this and gotten over it? Right this moment I want to just leave and deal with it ALL on my own.

2

My wife doesn’t understand what it is like to have Type 1, and she knows that, and we both know she never will. However, if I need help with something diabetes-related, like needing supplies at work because I forgot or helping me with severe hypoglycemia in the middle of the night, she absolutely and consistently has my back.

You are expecting too much because he is not willing to give you what you expect.

Frankly, I find your description of the situation and his attitude in particular to be repulsive. I would not remain married to anyone who treated me this way.

3

I’m so sorry he’s not very supportive.

Have you spoken to him about how it makes you feel? I know this can be a strain on any relationship. Please let me know if you ever need anyone to talk to. I can be a shoulder to lean on :slight_smile:

4

I never expected such quick responses. Thanks for the support. I will definitely be coming here more often.

5

My partner tries his best to understand, he is a complete and I mean a complete hypochondriac(going low so forgive spelling ) so I usually get all the attention. Maybe cause your fella isn’t at work, he feels resentful and angry within himself, so he takes it out on you and he knows it’ll hurt you. Anyway relationships are so complex I could not advise you what to do. Having said that though I have been in a similar situ, stuck it out and tried to resolve it. It not easy but try chatting to him, see where he is at. I am sorry that you feel lonely, we all do at times. This site is great for being with others who are going through the same thing.

6

I waited to get married till I was 28 for a reason. It is a very serious thing to me and I don’t want to just quit. If we weren’t married, I would be gone. I know he loves me but the support has just been lacking. I guess he is having diabetes burnout!

7

Come back and visit us :slight_smile:

8

I have been married 32 years and all of them we have dealt with diabetes. Before we got married, I almost called off the engagement because I told my wife I did not think she was strong enough to handle what this would bring.

We agreed to go on and have been married ever since. I do observe that when we were first married our diabetic life was pretty uneventful. We had children, She helped when needed and we pretty much want on. Today she is pretty much my keeper. All kinds of things have intervened mostly my health. We raised our sons they married and went off.

Now, is your husbands behavior ok or not? I do not know. My guess is if you are asking us, it is not ok and you need to correct it or depart. You are young enough to start over, If things are not working out you need ot knwo and dela wiht it.

But I do have one caution. My mom ended up blind, lost limbs, lost kidney function, in and out of the hospital for 21 years before she died at age 48. It was he diabetes that ultimately killed her. My dad had to take her in and out of the hospital for those 21 years, my dad even could no longer work.

What you need to tell him is what I had to tell my wife. You hope it never happens, but the statistics let us know that we diabetes can end badly. If we take care of ourselves, maybe no, but maybe so. Your husband needs to know, what he may be in for, can he deal with kidney failure? blindness? amputation? heart disease? if not, and he may not he needs to let you know. You cannot guarantee anything else because you have no guarantees him, but I would give him 24 hours to let you know, if he says no, it is ok, and you will not be resentful, if he says yes and he might quickly (but don’t let him) tell him he needs to support, care and love you like you will care, support, love him.

No offense, but if he cannot answer, or cannot answer yes in a way that convinces you, you need to go on. If he can and he can convince you he is telling the truth, trust it and let it go. This happened right after I asked my wife to marry me. We were young, the world was scary and we had nothing to gain or lose. Sheryl has always been fateful to her word. I am so glad.

good luck

Rick Phillips

9

Sorry, but I’m seeing some red flags here. I know that being out of work can be really hard on a guy’s esteem and that could be part of the problem. That could be, but it’s not much of an excuse for his attitude. I wouldn’t just forget about his disinterest and try to deal. If it were me, I’d meet with a counselor for a couple of times and see what a trained and objective outside person thinks about the situation.

In the meantime, please let us know how you’re doing.

10

I have to agree with everyone here. While there may be some things going on with him that help to explain his behavior, it certainly doesn’t excuse it. And honestly, because I don’t really know the dynamics between you both, I can’t give any great opinions or advice.

What I can say, is that if he loves you and wants to spend a LONG, HEALTHY HAPPY life with you, then the diabetes is not just your problem. He should want to help and do anything he can to facilitate your health (just as you would his). Diabetes has short and long term implications for you both. The best advice I can give to you, is really talk to him, while he’s receptive. Don’t be hurt or accusative, just be honest and tell him how you feel. Maybe try and find out what is going on with him, and how you can help him. Don’t set his expectations too high at first. It all might be too overwhelming for him. Just make sure you ask him to at least show you kindness and respect, and know you can’t make him behave that way.

I wish you luck, and please let us know how it is going. Everyone here wants to help!

12

Dear amy.

It is difficult to arm chair quaterback from our corner of Siberia. But if you married him and he was supportive he must have had some qualities. Being out of work will severely damage his self estime. It did mine and I had an excuse having worked for 35 years and at the same time taught all 3 kids Calculus. Now I do nothing and find it depressing and I do whithdraw somewhat from our relationship. I would suggest that you keep up the relationship as ardent as possible including sex life and hope that his depression gets better. Then again if you do not have kids and feel that it is game over it may be best to concentrate on your own very serious problem. My gut feeling is that we are headed into very hard economic times somewhat like the 30’s. My parents had a very rough time during the depression in Canada were there was no such thing as the new deal and enormous unemployment. But my father and mother always worked if only for $6 per 6 day week. You should evaluated hub’s mental stamina will he do what it takes to survive himself and help you survive in a very dificult time or will he expect you to work care for him and your diabetes on your own. May God be with you I will pray for you.

13

If it were me, I’d try to discuss the issue with him, giving him an opportunity to talk about how it’s been for him. What he expected it to be like, how his expectations differ from the reality, his concerns, etc. Ask him to be honest about it, and even though he might have some things that are difficult to hear, try to listen as nonjudgmentally as possible. Ideally, he’ll give you the same opportunity to talk about your experience, your expectations, how the reality has differed for you. Three years isn’t a very long time to be dealing with diabetes. I don’t know about you, but I found the first couple of years of marriage to be difficult, so I can only imagine how much more difficult it would have been if we had both had to learn about diabetes and adjust to it. If you feel like the conversation doesn’t seem productive or helpful or at least set you both in a more positive direction for dealing with it more constructively, I suggest counseling. I tell families that a diabetes diagnosis is like having an unwelcome visitor in your relationship or some other major life change - a birth, a death, a divorce. I think a lot of people wouldn’t think twice about getting counseling if they weren’t adjusting well to one of those other more common life changes, so there’s no reason why people shouldn’t get counseling for something as major as diabetes. It affects everything and everyone, and it’s not just the disease of the person with it. In order for it to be properly managed and for everyone to deal with it in a healthy way, everyone needs to accept that it is the family’s disease and always will be. Talk to your endo or CDE about the issues it’s causing, and see if they can’t recommend a marriage counselor who can help you and your husband work on these issues. Even if your husband won’t go, you go by yourself for now, and hopefully you can work with the therapist to find a way to engage your husband in the therapy.

14

Hi Amy,

Think you know in your heart that you’re not expecting too much.

Forget about it & deal–no, unless you want to spend your life denying what you need & deserve.

What happened more recently if he was supportive previously? His unemployment? Was he really supportive, or did you just not ask anything of him?

I’d have a hard time staying with someone who told me that my diabetes was my problem. Change that–I’d find it impossible to remain married to a person with that outlook. I’d feel wounded to my soul. Sorry for how horrible this made you feel.

Diabetes is hard on our loved ones. I understand partners having a hard time coping with the fears, worries & everything else that’s involved & it often manifests in strange ways. But, someone who couldn’t get off his butt to bring you test strips is inexusable, nor is rolling over to go to sleep when you needed him. This doesn’t seem to be something that has anything to do with educating your husband about diabetes.

You’re a young, beautiful woman. Known far too many women who’ve settled for living with men who were incapable of loving them back. We can’t change other people’s behaviors or attitudes.

15

One thing I can honestly say is that you should not be alone in your diabetes. Nobody deserves to be alone in distress.

In any relationship, there should be mutual respect for each others’ individuality. Especially in marriages. You are two grown adults who had been in different families, environment, peers, interest, etc… Thats why we are so different… thats why marriage is an endless opportunity and process of discovering and sharing ourselves with our partner. When there is mutual love…there is the willingness to discover and to share. Though sometimes, we get to discover things from each other that seemingly we cannot take. Thats where love comes in…we try to understand…we try to compromise…we try to commit. And when there is love, there is genuine concern and care… when there is love, fear and pain is shared, therefore happiness is twice more.

My prayers are with you, Amy.

16

Amy,

My heart goes out to you. Indeed it is possible to feel alone in the presence of others, even your husband.

As previous responses have mentioned, I think that you need to sit down and talk to him. See how he is feeling about his life, your marriage, AND your diabetes.

It could be that he is just ignoring the diabetes because his mind is fixed on other things. It could be that he is in denial about your diabetes and hasn’t accepted the seriousness of it yet. It could be that he never realized that he should act differently towards your diabetes. The most important thing is to talk… and to listen.

Diabetes is a part of you. And in marriage, we must accept and love the whole person. The degree to which the partner is actively involved in your diabetes care does vary from couple to couple. But being there to emotionally support you in your struggles is essential, in my opinion

My husband is not so active in my diabetes care… in comparison with other people that I have heard from… and he is kind of squeemish about the things that I need to do (does not like to be in the room when I change infusion sets, etc). But he takes lows seriously and gets mad when I DIDN’T wake him up when I had an extreme low (we sleep on a loft and he is always afraid that I will fall down). I feel like this balance is OK. I don’t want him telling me what to eat or how to manage my diabetes. So I don’t want him involved in everything :wink:

My point is that you need to find the balance that you are BOTH okay with. It won’t be the same for every couple. But you need to talk it out.

17

Yes…very well put, Mandy. The only thing I can add is that we can only assume that you loving him and choosing to marry him says that he is a good person. Let’s hope he is only temporarily depressed and is feeling uncharacteristically self absorbed. I like to say that there is a fine line between clueless and thoughtless. If he is unwilling to be educated and alter his behavior toward your feelings, that is a different story.

18

I dont have much advice to give, but I do have a thought. Has he ever been to any diabetic education classes with you? It could be a start if he was receptive to understanding the seriousness of this disease/illness.