Comic Relief


#1

This has nothing to do with diabetes. It’s about stress reduction. Hmm. I guess that does have to do with diabetes, at that, since it’s something we can all use more of, all the time.

Anyway, apropos of nothing whatever, this is just about stuff that makes me laugh. Here’s one:

A farmer has a talking dog. One day he says to the dog, “it’s getting dark–go bring the sheep into the pen for the night.” The dog replies, “consider it done,” and takes off. Shortly he returns and says, “okay, all 40 sheep present and accounted for.” The farmer says–slowly–“I only have 36 sheep.” The dog replies, “Yes, I know. I rounded up.”

And here’s another quickie:

There should be a twelve step program for people who talk too much. We could call it On Anon Anon.


#2

Please, keep 'em coming!


#3

Well, actually, I was hoping for contributions. I don’t really fancy making this a full time job . . . :wink:


#4

How about this one from Groucho Marx:

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.


#5

One of my favorites.

It may be the early bird that gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.


#6

Lenin’s tomb is a communist plot


#7

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE MENTALLY DISTURBED


Schizophrenia
Do You Hear What I Hear?

Dementia
I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic
Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Cars and Trees and . . .

Paranoid
Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

Attention Deficit Disorder
Silent Night, Holy–Squirrel!!

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells . . .


#8

Bumper stickers, anyone? Saw this one on the way to work yesterday:

“What if the hokey pokey really IS what it’s all about?”

Now that’s some existential angst right there! And another fave, this one custom-made by a neighbor of mine (I live in an artists’ community and people tend to find their own twist on standard expressions):

“Act kind of random and practice less beauty sense.”


#9

That’s a Jimmy Buffet song


#10

Speaking of bumper stickers… You know those back window decals that represent the members in your family with stick figures? I saw one last week with a couple of stick figures and one partial stick figure and a T-rex head that said “I enjoyed eating your stick figure family.”


#11

Not to mention it’s the early worm that gets caught.


#12

The owner of my company has some good qualities but he is also an out of control alcoholic whose dark side occasionally asserts itself. I once saw a bumper sticker in a shop that I still kick myself for not buying and surreptitiously putting on his car. It said:

I’m not an alcoholic. I’m a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.


#13

The one that goes with that is, “The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”


#14

Warning!

There’s an e-mail going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can.

DON’T OPEN IT! It’s SPAM…


#15

True fact: Minnesota is home to the Museum of Spam.


#16

I’m surprised it’s not in hawaii


#17

Dunno if anyone here is familiar with the late, great and unjustifiably obscure Vivian Stanshall, but…

“If I had all the money I’d spent on drink, I’d spend it on drink.”
–Sir Henry at Rawlinson End.


#18

“Someone left the cork out of my lunch.” – W.C. Fields


#19

From Sir Francis Chichester after sailing solo around the world, "To the question, “When were your spirits at the lowest ebb?” the obvious answer seemed to be, “When the gin gave out.”


#20

And here is one of my favorite sailing quotes, first heard on the notoriously shallow Chesapeake Bay:

"Only two sailors, in my experience, never ran aground. One never left port and the other was an atrocious liar.

  • Don Bamford