Comic Relief


#287

That only works if you’re car is a Dodge.


#288

This would appear to be one case in which it is possible to prove a negative.


#289

Well, it’s been WAY too long since I posted here so I must owe y’all a ‘few’ … Here’s a varied assortment that made me wish I’d gone to the bathroom before I saw them!..

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Lane closed

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A few people in this thread quoted some famous lines from the late grate Rodney Dangerfield. I thought you might enjoy a few more of his self-effacing one-liners…

RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE LINERS

A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home”. I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren’t for pick pocketers, I’d have no sex life at all.

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn’t born a boy… I’d have nothing to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that? He said, “Because you came home early”.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. And my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through”.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid, there are so many places they can hide”.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said. “Look - twins!”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.


Since there’s so much non-English humour included in this thread, I thought perhaps some of your might appreciate a little ‘dictionary’ I’ve accumulated through the years, especially since we learned Latin in schools back in my day (and my Dad said he spoke Latin in school back in his day). The following are some fun phrases I’ve gathered that might prove helpful in translating most of the “Romance” languages. Of course, we can’t omit our Asian friends so I’ve also attached a small Chinese to English dictionary which might prove useful to someone!

Foreign Phrases
Harlez-vous francais? = Can you drive a French motorcycle?
Idios Amigost = We’re wild and crazy guys!
Veni, Vipi, Vici = I came, I’m a VIP, I conquered.
Veni, Vidi, Visa = I came I saw, I shopped.
Cogito Eggo Sum = I think, therefore I am a waffle
Cogito Ergo Spud = I think, therefore I yam.
Rigor Morris = The cat is dead
Posh Mortem = Death styles of the rich and famous
Respondez s’il vous plaid = Honk if you’re Scottish.
In Vino Veritas = In wine, truth.
Que Sera Serf = Life is Feudal
Le roi est mort. Jive le roi. = The king is dead. No kidding.
Pro Bozo Publico = Support your local clown.
Felix Na Vidad = Our cat has a boat
Visa La France = Don’t leave your chateau without it.

More Contemporary Latin Phrases

  • “Domino vobiscum.” (The pizza guy is here.)
  • “Auda similarum ad seattles.” (They all sound just like Pearl Jam.)
  • “Sharpei diem.” (Seize the wrinkled dog.)
  • “Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus.” (Remove foil before microwaving.)
  • “Il guyus nissanem iste ickye.” (That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.)
  • “Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum.”
    (Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)
  • “Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum.” (A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.)
  • “Motorolus interruptus.” (Hold on, I’m going into a tunnel.)
  • “Veni, vidi, Pesci.” (I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.)
  • “Revelare Pecunia!” (Show Me The Money!)
  • “Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat.” (Yeah, where DO I want to go today??)
  • “Sic semper tyrannus.” (Your dinosaur is ill.)
  • “No Quid Pro Quo.” (I’m Sorry, We’re All Out of Quid.)
  • “Cavaeat humanus sic tofu burritus e toga.” (Beware of the man with a tofu burrito in his toga.)
  • “Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus.” (It’s Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)
  • “Veni, Vidi, Velcro” (I came; I saw; I stuck around.)
  • “Et tu, pluribus unum?” (The government just stabbed me in the back!)
  • Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant (May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy.)

“Semper ubi sub ubi” (Always ‘where’ under’where’)
“Illegitimis non carborundum” (Don’t let the bastards grind you down)


	CHINESE TO ENGLISH DICTIONARY
  • Chinese Phrase >>>>> English Translation

Ai Bang Mai Ne >>>>> I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu >>>>> A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat >>>>> You need a face lift
Dum Gai >>>>> A stupid person
Gun Pao Der >>>>> An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung >>>>> Which one of you fertilised the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding >>>>> We have reason to believe you are harbouring a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun >>>>> A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia >>>>> Approach me
Lao Ze Sho >>>>> Gilligan’s Island
Lao Zi >>>>> Not very good
Lin Ching >>>>> An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding >>>>> A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn >>>>> A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai >>>>> A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be >>>>> A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne >>>>> A small horse
Ten Ding Ba >>>>> Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung >>>>> A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan >>>>> Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah >>>>> Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim >>>>> Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting >>>>> There is no reason to raise your voice


Finally, here’s another kind of dictionary for Diabetics that’s probably been posted here before since this is probably where I found it! But, just in case you missed it,… here it is again!

DIABETES TERMS OF ENDEARMENT

Bear Fingers - When a finger has been tested to the point of exhaustion and it needs to be rested or “hibernated”.

Bouncing – When your bloodsugar drops so low overnight that your living kicks in some glucagons, causing you to bounce from low to high.

Born Again Diabetic – When a diabetic fosters a new found interest in taking care of their health after years of negligence and denial.

Carbonese - The ability to determine the number of carbs in a given food based on the total carbs and the serving size (coined by a 6 year old child with diabetes who is fluent in Carbonese and can eyeball the carbs without her mother’s input).

Cheap Shot- Inferior insulin brand, probably distributed/sold by Undisclosed Huge Discount Stores Whose Names May Rhyme With Tall-Fart.

Clocking In – Another term for “bloodsugar reading.” Synonyms include “ringing in” and “reading at.”

Daylight Savings Time – See also “Time to Change the Lancet”.

Dead Strips - Used blood glucose meter strips found in random spots, i.e. under the seat of your car, on the floor at the gym, in a shoe, in a small gray kitten named Siah’s mouth.

Diabetic PMS - When the blood sugar rockets up for no apparent reason for the 2-3 days prior to the start of a woman’s cycle. Men may also experience this in a sympathetic mode.

Dotties – When you prick your finger, squeeze, and about five holes show up with blood. See also Bloody Constellation.

Gusher – When you prick your finger, squeeze, and end up assaulted by your own bloodstream. May also be found when you remove an infusion set.

Hooking - When your pump tubing snags the doorknob and almost rips out.

Interstate BG Checks - Where upon the diabetic (while barreling down the interstate above the speed limit) juggles the steering wheel, BG meter, test strip, lancet and a target finger. Commonly occurs in the dark.
I didn’t feel well when I was driving home from my interview, so I performed an interstate BG check and almost hit a moose.

Larry Bird – Boston Celtic’s basketball legend, jersey no. 33. Serves as cardio workout goal time inspiration for many diabetics. Often found at the punchline of many of my sad little quips.
Working out at the gym, I made sure to do Larry Bird on the treadmill.

Low Bowl - The bowl in the kitchen of a diabetic filled to the rim with 5-15g fast acting carb treats. Miniature versions are often found in diaper bags for “On The Go” lows.

Nabs – Crackers with peanut butter spread between them. Typically used to follow up glucose tabs in the treatment of a low bloodsugar. Names derived from the Latin “Nabisco”, the maker of the most popular peanut butter crackers. Most diabetics learn about nabs at diabetes camp.

Officially Scary – Applies to situations, numbers, etc. Defined as any statistic that stretches the perimeters of safety.
While at the gym, I checked at the 33 Larry Bird minute mark and noted that I was at the Officially Scary Number of 37 mg/dl!

Panicky Diabetic Syndrome - The use of more than five test strips in a 55 minute period because you aren’t confident that your bloodsugar is coming up or down… Often accompanied by a Rage or Serial Bolus.

Random Bolus - The method of bolusing at random and mildly calculated intervals, i.e. realizing that you may have under-bolused for a meal and opt to course in a unit or two to cover bases.

Rage Bolus - The act of suffering from a high bloodsugar for an extended period of time or for an unknown reason and the retaliatory insulin dose. Oftentimes results in a low bloodsugar.

Real People Sick – The differentiation between bloodsugar issues and the common cold. Phrase slips out most often when the diabetic admits to not feeling well and must specify that it is not bloodsugar related.

Regan-Rage - Coined by Nicole’s boyfriend; Term comes from the little girl in the Exorcist. Describes the behavior some diabetics exhibit when having a low bloodsugar. Regan-rage behaviors include swearing, screaming, spitting of juice, and stretching body parts in unnatural ways. Does not include levitating. If your diabetic friend/partner/child should levitate, it is probably not caused by low bloodsugar.

Nicole was in a Regan-rage, spitting the juice all over our bedroom walls and cussing like a sailor.

Serial Bolus – Administering bolus upon bolus to bring a bloodsugar down. Often likened to a Rage Bolus, but usually follows the course of multiple hours vs. one huge crank up.

Sleep-Eating – The act of rising from a sound sleep, proceeding to the kitchen and eating anything you can find. A diabetic often wakes up while in the process of sleep-eating without being able to figure out how they got to the kitchen or why there is ice cream all over their fingers and face.
Last night, my boyfriend found me sleep-eating again; when he was able to rouse me, I was mortified to find I had eaten a ½ gallon of chocolate ice cream.

Sugar Reaper - A night time hypo that nearly kills you.
I had a visit from the Sugar Reaper last night, which explains the bags under my eyes and the juice stains around my mouth.

S.W.A.G. Bolus – Scientific, Wild Assed Guess bolus. This is where you use more instinct than data to bolus an unexpected or uncalculated meal.

Time to Change the Lancet – Defined as any time when you change the batteries in your smoke detector, reset your clocks, or when the lancet starts to rust

Third Nipple - the little protusion from an infusion set when a shirt is pressed around the site
Note: If you can come up with a “clean” way to define the above condition, please advise :wink:

Twilight Zone High - A high with no rational cause.


Diabetes and Moving: Fun.
You know you’re a diabetic moving into a new place when:
• You pack extra glucose meter test strips, baby diapers, and toilet paper into the same box because you know you will need both on the first day.
• You’re watching at the window for the cable guy so you can get yourself back online and immersed in the diabetes blogosphere.
• You don’t care that there’s an ice maker in the new fridge, but more than there’s a handy compartment that’s PERFECT for insulin storage.
• There’s a whole box labeled “Diabetes Supplies.”
• You’re grateful that the hardwoods are being installed because it will be easier to find rogue test strips.
• The washer dryer combo looks like a spaceship command unit and you have no idea how to work it. (Wait, that’s just me? Domestic goddess I am not.)
• Even though the fridge is almost entirely empty, there’s still a bottle of grape juice at the ready. (And a pitcher of iced coffee. Priorities!!)
• You buy a smaller garbage can for the kitchen to leave room under the sink for a massive, red sharps container.
• There’s a space in the walk-in closet that’s dedicated solely to stacking insets, insulin reservoirs, and test strip bottles. Not to mention lancets, which I’ve had the same seven boxes for the last four years and I never manage to use them up. (Something tells me I should change my lancet today.)
• And: You test the wall outlets by plugging the Dexcom receiver in to charge.



#290

Here’s another Rodney Dangerfield line:

“My wife is such a terrible cook, the flies in our backyard took up a collection to buy us a new screen door.”


#291

Q. What did the tuna say as the fisherman reeled him in?
A. “I’ll probably get canned for this.”


#292

This guy is sitting at home one day when he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door, looks around, doesn’t see anyone. Then he looks down and sees a snail on the doorstep. He picks up the snail and hurls it as far as he can across the yard.

A year later, he’s sitting at home one day when he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door, looks around, doesn’t see anyone. Then he looks down and sees a snail on the doorstep. The snail says, “What the heck was that all about?”


#293

:roll_eyes:Lol


#294

IMG_1579


#295

Q. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A. A Flat Miner.


#296

On Aging:

I may not be the most funny or athletic or smart or talented I forgot where I was going with this . . .


#297

I invented a new word! “Plagiarism” :smiley:


#298

No you didn’t, You stole my word, I invented it last week, we need a word to describe what you just did.


#299

Received in an email:

“I registered for an exercise class and they told me to come in loose-fitting clothing. Duh! If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up for the class!”


#300

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news for you.
Patient: What’s the bad news?
Doctor: Tests came back saying you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: WHAT!!? If that’s the bad news, what’s the worse news!?
Doctor: I got busy and forgot to call you yesterday.


#301

Heavy.


#302

Perhaps they should have searched more carefully.


#303

I’m bored. I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, and sit in my car with my reverse lights on.


#304

Someone asked whether I prefer afghans, comforters, or quilts . . . but I don’t like to make blanket statements.


#305

I saw a zombie cooking Chinese food—a dead man wok-ing.


#306

Capture