Comic Relief


#267

Q. How many zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to not change the light bulb.


#268

Q. How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, but the bulb has to be willing to change itself before the psychologist can help.


#269

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don’t worry about me. It’s OK, I can sit in the dark. I probably won’t break my leg on the sofa. Really, I’m fine.

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The question should be: Did the light ever really go out?

Q: How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That’s obviously a hardware problem!


#270

Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
I think he’s from the CIA

[apologies to Ogden Nash]


#271

A new take on Burma Shave signs:

Beneath this slab
John Brown is stowed
He watched the ads
And not the road

-Ogden Nash


#272

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.


#273

Instead of “the John,” I call my toilet “the Jim.” That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.


#274

Q: What is Mozart doing right now?
A: Decomposing.


#275

Here is the cartoon and then I will translate.

A guy is at the counter in a book store.
The sales person says, “Two copies of Math for Dummies. Each book costs $16.99 for two books, so the total will be $50.”


#276

Two guys are discussing yesterdays golf game, which one of them missed.

Wiseguy - I was going to invite you to play but we already had a threesome…


#277

I tried to return an atlas I bought. Told the clerk it didn’t have any maps. He just shrugged.


#278

I have to repeat an old joke my son told me today…

We know that seven ate nine. The question is - WHY did seven eat nine?

A: He was trying to get his three squares a day…


#279

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “olive, or twist?”


#280

The other day a friend told me about a “news” story he read someplace. I suspect he saw it in the Onion or the Harvard Lampoon or some such publication . . . but anyway, supposedly the story was about a Nigerian prince in New York who died leaving behind an estate valued at $17 billion because no one would respond to his emails.


#281

Wife says to her programmer husband, “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”

Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.


#282

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the world’re ya’ doing, Billy Bob?”

“Good grief, Cletus, ya’ scared the bejeebers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob …

“But me ‘n the wife been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”


#283

AAAAARGH

Right out of a Jeff Foxworthy routine. Or if it isn’t, it should be. :laughing:


#284

This popped up on Twitter a little while ago. It’s good enough to share.

When it comes to finding a place to stand, this is probably not the best choice.




#285


#286

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