Q. How many zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to not change the light bulb.
Q. How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, but the bulb has to be willing to change itself before the psychologist can help.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Donât worry about me. Itâs OK, I can sit in the dark. I probably wonât break my leg on the sofa. Really, Iâm fine.
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The question should be: Did the light ever really go out?
Q: How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Thatâs obviously a hardware problem!
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Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasnât there
He wasnât there again today
I think heâs from the CIA
[apologies to Ogden Nash]
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A new take on Burma Shave signs:
Beneath this slab
John Brown is stowed
He watched the ads
And not the road
-Ogden Nash
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My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Instead of âthe John,â I call my toilet âthe Jim.â That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
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Q: What is Mozart doing right now?
A: Decomposing.
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Here is the cartoon and then I will translate.
A guy is at the counter in a book store.
The sales person says, âTwo copies of Math for Dummies. Each book costs $16.99 for two books, so the total will be $50.â
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Two guys are discussing yesterdays golf game, which one of them missed.
Wiseguy - I was going to invite you to play but we already had a threesomeâŚ
I tried to return an atlas I bought. Told the clerk it didnât have any maps. He just shrugged.
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I have to repeat an old joke my son told me todayâŚ
We know that seven ate nine. The question is - WHY did seven eat nine?
A: He was trying to get his three squares a dayâŚ
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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, âolive, or twist?â
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The other day a friend told me about a ânewsâ story he read someplace. I suspect he saw it in the Onion or the Harvard Lampoon or some such publication . . . but anyway, supposedly the story was about a Nigerian prince in New York who died leaving behind an estate valued at $17 billion because no one would respond to his emails.
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Wife says to her programmer husband, âGo to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.â
Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
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Cletus is passing by Billy Bobâs hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, âWhat the worldâre yaâ doing, Billy Bob?â
âGood grief, Cletus, yaâ scared the bejeebers out of me,â says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob âŚ
âBut me ân the wife been havinâ trouble lately in the bedroom dâpartment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.â
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AAAAARGH
Right out of a Jeff Foxworthy routine. Or if it isnât, it should be. 
This popped up on Twitter a little while ago. Itâs good enough to share.
When it comes to finding a place to stand, this is probably not the best choice.
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