So I have been dating this wonderful lady for 7 months. We have alot of similar interests and love to do outdoor activities like hiking, kayaking, boating etc… She loves the outdoors as much as me and thats hard to find in a women!!! We get along really well and I am very happy with her.
My problem is she doesn’t know I have diabetes. I have not shared that with her yet and I am afraid if I do I will scare her off.I am an expert at hiding this disease from people and I never discuss it to anyone I know. Other than my family and a few childhood friends, nobody knows I have it.
So I guess what I am wondering is at what point do you tell someone your dating that you have a disease??? Is it possible to just keep it a secret forever??? Cause that is what I am inclined to do!!!
Any advice from other type1’s would be much appreciated!!
Honestly? I’ve always been open about my disease with my friends and significant others. Because with my regime it’s kind of hard not to. I can’t not test my blood sugar and dose before I eat something and I certainly don’t want to hide off in the bathroom (unsanitary!) and do it. So I just tell them that I have type one diabetes, I’ve had it for a while and am in fairly good control. I also make sure to answer any questions they might have, because a lot of time the fear of being friends with and/or dating someone with diabetes comes from just not knowing what it is all about. I feel like it’s important to be up front with it with people that are in my life a lot, because like it or not this disease is a big part of mine.
So. With that being said, I would tell her. If she gets scared off by it then she isn’t the right one. I’ve had a couple of boyfriends in the past tell me that the eventually broke up with me because the disease made them nervous. It hurt…but I figure that it was their loss. My husband, on the other hand, is super understanding about my disease. In fact, he goes out of his way to learn about it and help me. It’s important to have people in your life who understand that your disease is nothing to be afraid of and support you in it.
I’m with Lauren. I usually tell pretty much anyone I ever date from the beginning. If I don’t think I’ll ever see them again maybe I’ll try and test my blood sugar secretly rather than go through the trouble of explaining, but anyone else I let know pretty quickly. Secrets are no fun, and you want her to care for all of you, not just the parts you’re sure won’t scare her off, right? Heh… I’m sure you’ve heard that relationships take trust, right? Well, now you’re learning for real.
When I was younger I was shyer about it, but I’m happier now that I got over it. I’m all about being me, warts and all.
It’s going to come out eventually. Better she learns it from you than from someone else, or she finds out on her own (which she may have done already). The sooner the better.
I don’t hide it from anybody. So on that first date, when we are having dinner, I whip out the meter and test away. If she really cares about you, diabetes is not going to bother her. Of course it will bother her that her significant other has a chronic illness, but in the grand scheme of things, that will just be one of those little annoying things that might drive you crazy, but you love the person anyway. Kind of like leaving the toilet seat up, or forgetting to fill up the tank in the car. Sure, it bothers you, but you love that person in spite of it.
By the way, if she ditches you because of diabetes, I recommend being up front in the next relationship. That way they know and you know. If they don’t want you because of your diabetes, you don’t NEED them.
Also, it might bother her that you kept it secret for so long, so if she seems a little put off at first, don’t think it’s because of the diabetes, she just might have her feelings hurt because you didn’t share it with her.
Is there a reason you don’t share you diabetes with others? A bad experience or something that caused you to not want to share?
Well I have had diabetes most of my life and it has always been something I have prefered to keep to myself. I never test or inject insulin in front of people. If I am out on a date,i just sneak away for a moment to give myself my insulin. Nobody I work with knows…I never bring it up to anyone. I guess it embarrses me and makes me feel defective. And since I never intend to get married, I never thought it was required to tell women I date. But lately my sister has been pestering me about being so " secretive", so I guess that is why I am having second thoughts…
tell her omg!! every guy i have ever dated always understood me for having this disease, the one i’m with now i’ve been with for 5 years, and hes known from the beginning, hes supported me through it and calls me his mini richard simmons women i make him lots of healthy meals and we go jogging so he has me to blame for his healthy lifestyle. it will make your relationship stronger, never hold anything like that back, be proud of what you have.
There are a lot of people who have diabetes in the world. Yeah, I guess you could call us “defective”, but everybody is in one way or another.
There are fat people and people with asthma, and people with celiac disease, and those with deadly allergies. But it’s just part of what we are. So don’t feel ashamed. Start out slow. Just tell a few people and see how they handle it.
I had a lady that I have known for most of my life (I live in a very small town) come up to me the other day and say “I didn’t know you were a diabetic”. She had seen me take my blood sugar in church. So, even though I am very open about it, not everyone knows. And I live pretty normally, so some people just never notice.
Even though I’ve always been open about it on dates, I think I’ll play devil’s advocate for you. Why don’t you just wait until you’ve both shared more about yourselves? Until these things start to reveal themselves more organically? Until a more intimate relationship develops? That seems to be middle ground between “out with it now” and “hide it forever.”
At the very beginning of a relationship, you don’t open up on your third date and say “I don’t always drive with clean underwear on and old people scare me and I didn’t brush my teeth before work yesterday and I steal fruit from the produce section and my uncle sells porn…” Many details, especially those you’re not proud of advertising, can wait until a later time. Some things about you will just become apparent over time. Eventually, maybe you’ll be comfortable around this person enough to say “You know, today was a rough day. I haven’t mentioned it because I don’t like people to know, but actually, I have diabetes. And today, I ate this muffin and I miscalculated the carbs and…etc.”
WHY ARE YOU ASHAMED? Diabetes is nothing to be ashamed about. If you accept it yourself, then I see no reason someone else wouldn’t. If that person cannot accept, they are from the Dark Ages. Just sit down and tell her that you have something to share with her and you are not sure of how she would handle. I would guess that, if she reacted in a positive and supportive manner, she would accept the news. She may even be insulted or hurt that you didn’t share earlier.
YOU CANNOT HIDE THIS FOREVER from the person you might be living with. How would you explain needles, medicine bottles or, possibly, pump supplies. One lie takes off and, eventually, it will bite you in the *ss. A lie of omission is a lie regardless.
Sit down and tell her at the next date. If she accepts it, she’s a gem and you then know that you can count on her in all other things.
Lois La Rose, Milwaukee, WI
P.S. I am not type 1 but type 2. I would have to hide a pump, line, etc. I’m not prone to want to do it.
If you have been with her for 7 months, she must be a wonderful person. If she is a wonderful person she cares about you. If she truly cares about you then she cares about all of you. If I were in your position, I would tell her just because it would be less stressful than having to hide it all the time. However, if you are uncomfortable with people knowing about it, then don’t tell her. Unless she asks, there is no reason you should have to. If she asks, and you want an honest relationship with her, then you must tell her. However, if she doesn’t ask and you don’t want to tell, then that is your perogative. As with so many other things, having diabetes and how you handle it is personal. Do what is right for you!!!
First date second thing. I mean it is so much a part of me if you don’t like the diabetes, you wont like me. Really you gotta spill the beans. No you cannot keep it quiet forever and no you should not. In the future. Spill the beans as early as possible.
I didn’t read all the comments before I responded. Seeing how they mostly agree, it would seem to be a good idea to share with her.
One thing I’d like to share with you about a bad experience in NOT sharing (with some co-workers) happened shortly after I started in a new department where I worked. I was acting goofy and a little bit outrageous (I have a weird sense of humor) and my BG was lowering. They didn’t know, so they could not help me. It wasn’t until I shared with one that they flew into action. You’d be surprised at how much non-diabetic people know now. After that, I sat down with those I chose to tell to outline a plan of action if that should happen again. Even my boss was watching me more carefully and, sometimes, when my sugars were falling, would spot it first and bring me a can of soda. I don’t always feel the lows coming on, so it showed to me that people can be very caring.
You’d be surprised at the reaction of people. I wear my pump on the outside of my blouse. People think it’s a pager and, if anyone looked closer, they usually asked me. I didn’t mind. I find it terribly uplifting to educate people about diabetes. They are almost ALWAYS supportive and understanding. So, Ryan, come out of your shell a little bit. People will generally surprise you!
I can completely understand not wanting to share the fact that you have diabetes. It’s nothing to do with being ashamed, it’s more to do with the other person’s reaction I think. In the past, a lot of other people haven’t reacted well (or haven’t reacted the way I’ve wanted them to) when they find out I have diabetes and suddenly I’m made to feel “different” which can be extremely annoying.
That being said, after years of this I’ve come to the conclusion that there ARE people out there who treat you the way you should be treated, and by not telling someone that you’ve got diabetes, you’re never going to give youself the opportunity to find someone who’ll see through it and still see you.
Recently I’ve become friends with a guy who is by far the best person I know in relation to my diabetes. He can tell when I’m having a hypo and knows exactly what to do (none of my other friends even care…they walk off and leave me), he knows what my BG should be between and he let me test his as well lol. He also doesn’t make me feel weird about doing injections in front of him - I don’t feel happy doing them in front of a lot of other people because they look at me like I’m repulsive. I think when you meet a person like this, it makes you realise that it IS possible for people to treat you like a human and not a disease, and so I think everyone should have the opportunity to be like this and for that reason, I refuse to hide the fact that I’m diabetic.
Tell her - if she’s the right person for you then it won’t matter.
No it is not possible to keep it a secret. Besides you won’t have a peace of mind. It is better for you to ask her some probing question that would go to that direction. Better tell her the truth before you developed something you would regret later. Hope she understand and from there you would also learn if she cares for you. If not, focus your energy to someone who would love you whoever you are. Good luck!
Hi Ryan, I’m with most of the other respondents. You have to tell her, what if something goes wrong? She may get out the defibrillator when all you need is some orange juice and then you have to deal with the whole, “why didn’t you just tell me” conversation. You will make yourself crazy trying to hide it, it’s part of you. Who you are! You can be proud that you have control of this disease and that it doesn’t have control over you. Any rational women would probably see that as a good thing, that you are in control of your life. I would tell her sooner than later. I’ve never, ever been in a situation in the last 15 years that proved better to hide the disease than come out with it. Just my two cents.
I love your use of the word defective, But, I have to disagree with you. I have had many dates before meeting my wife and believe me your diabetes does not make you defective. I have had many dates with defective people and none were disease related. I met my wife through and on line dating site and we laugh about the many defective dates/ people we met from there until we found each other. Relationships are built on trust, honestly, love and passion. Having diabetes is a part of you like having curly hair or being active outdoors. Do not be afraid to share who you are with your partner. She will not be afraid to share with you!!!
I told my husband about diabetes on one of our first dates. He later told me the fact that I was willing to share it with him made him feel pretty special (like I was sharing a secret with him) and he liked that.
Later he learned that I tell everyone but he is a special guy.
I think that you will know when the time is right. If this is something that you keep secret, then I guess it will make her feel pretty special if/when you do share it!
It’s important to have people in your life who understand that your disease is nothing to be afraid of and support you in it.
i make him lots of healthy meals and we go jogging so he has me to blame for his healthy lifestyle. it will make your relationship stronger, never hold anything like that back, be proud of what you have.