So, in June it’ll be 4 years since i was told I have diabetes and honestly I thought I would have felt different.I thought i would’ve come to terms with everything by now, start accepting my life with type 1, but i haven’t. I try to stay positive but i feel like it is slowly destroying my life. Since i was diagnosed, my relationship with my family and friends have gone to breaking point, my anxiety and stress levels have been so bad that i am now seeing a psychologist to deal with it and I’ve suffered with depression. I do go through periods where i do feel positive and become proactive but it never lasts long. I’m continuously falling into the same cycle of refusing to deal with the condition, my recent HbA1c was 94 (10.8%) and to be honest, i don’t feel like i care to much even though i know i should. i know this post sounds really depressing but i don’t know what to do anymore, i know i cant live like this but i don’t know if i can change how i feel. sometimes i dont see the point in trying anymore.
I love your handle by the way! Very clever.
I don’t have any magic answers for you. We all deal with a cycle of grief after diagnosis. Sometimes they linger. And sometimes all the crap we have to deal with for this disease feels like a weight on her shoulders that cannot be removed. The good news is that most everybody here gets that.
You are three steps ahead of most people in your situation simply because you have already reached out for help. It took me a long time.
I don’t know you at all. But I can guarantee you that there is far more value and positive in your life then you think. And diabetes is unable to steal that from you if you do not allow it. I know because I have been there as well.
As bad as things can be with all of this, there are always things about our lives that we tend to under appreciate or not notice at all. Look for those things. When you have a bad or depressing thought use that as a trigger to think of something else that is good. As hard as it might be to do this, if you will make the time and take a breath you can find them.
Don’t beat yourself up just for being human. Look for the positive. Look for ways that you can contribute. Giving of yourself can be really great therapy.
Actually, therapy itself can be helpful. Ask for someone who helps those with chronic diseases.
I am going to hit 55 years soon, so I totally understand.
Reach out to family and friends. Ask for support…and guidance. Do what your doctor says. Talk to a CDE. I found that miraculously helpful. Also try a support group. I did, very recently, and have found it helpful. Look at technology. The new stuff is amazing.
Take care. Ask for help!
You aren’t alone. I was diagnosed 4 years ago and I can’t say I have really come to terms with it either. It is a difficult disease and it will take over our lives if we let it. I was really motivated and got my HgA1C down to 6.2, but then things went wrong and mine on last check was 9.3. I am having a dickens of a time with it. I feel for you and am very glad you are seeing a therapist. Family doesn’t always understand what we go through, and sometimes just lose patience with all of it. That is where I am at the moment. You must not blame yourself. You just have to do the best you can, and be kind to yourself. (I know all that is easier said than done.)
you are no orphan, diabetes and mental health seem to go hand in hand.
Just the side effects of just having an A1c of 94 will make you feel terrible, without anything else.
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It’s time to draw a line and start again. 
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the numbers on your BG meter are never good or bad, they just help you adjust your insulin. Try not to get happy when you see a normal number, because it’s only setting up a bad feeling when it’s high. Get in the habit of blood reading before and after meals again.
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Basal testing, get your basal right with overnight and miss a meal basal test, or you are just chasing your tail with bolus.
https://mysugr.com/basal-rate-testing/
also consider the amount of carbs that are adding to the BG rollercoaster, reducing them where you can will help
when you are able, cover the basics again on working out I:C and correcting factor rules
for non-US numbers
the next step, adjusting insulin
US numbers
Oh I feel your pain @MzCheif, and the above answers are sound advice. I don’t really have anything to add except please don’t give up. The best advice I ever got was from my mother and not any doc which was that you either let diabetes control you or you control it. I try to remind myself of that when I’m feeling burned out and believe me I know that is a lot easier said than done. Try to make little changes even and keep building on that. Like for example at the moment I’m trying to work on being disciplined enough to change my set (pump) when it’s due as I have a habit of letting it go for up to a week which affects my control. It’s only a little change but it’s something, right? 4 years really isn’t that long so be kind to yourself, you are dealing with a lot and doing the right thing by getting help. It is a grieving process and you will get through it, the last step being acceptance.
I’ve walked this same journey for about the first ten years of being diabetic. Perhaps I wasn’t as depressed as you seem to be. But still, life seemed to be shades of muted colors rather than rich vibrant hues. The change for me was technology. My only tool at the time was a strip of yellow tape. If you peed on it and it turned dark green, you knew your sugar had been high, even if you were about to go into hypoglycemia at the time of testing. The ups and downs really got to me. That all changed after a 45 minute call to Richard Bernstein, not yet a doctor. I got my first meter a few weeks later and the fog seemed to lift.
So my first suggestion would be that improving HbA1c should be job #1. Visiting a psychologist is helpful, but it’s hard to improve your mood when your body feels like crap! I would also suggest you try to find a “diabetes buddy” — someone who has been there and can be your cheerleader. Folks that are starting an exercise or weight loss program frequently do this. Hopefully, you can find a friend or family member to be that cheerleader. You only need one! But if that’s not possible, perhaps a phone buddy would be enough. It needs to be someone who can recognize that there will be low spots and can encourage you to move past them. “OK, today didn’t go so well — what could we do tomorrow that would make things go better?” 
Also, you’ve told us how depressed and hopeless you are at times. Imagine for a moment that you were suddenly cured of diabetes so you could move on. What would your life look like then? What would excite you? What would you be passionate about? Thinking about those things might provide the motivation you need to improve your numbers and move on. As you can read on this forum, members enjoy all sorts of worthwhile pursuits when they get diabetes under control.
+1.
Diabetes sucks, but I can tell you when my blood sugars are high I feel the absolute worst. I don’t know exactly what your situation is but I promise you if you get your blood sugars closer to normal you will feel a hell of a lot better. Low blood sugars are annoying, but I really can’t function once my blood sugar starts rising above 8 mmol and beyond (144). My whole mood changes for the better when I keep it between about 4.5 to 6.5, which isn’t always possible, but I do the best I can with the tools I have. Are you on the pump? Have you tried a CGM? I’ve found both of these devices to be game-changing. I never realized how many corrections I need to make during the day until I got the CGM, and I feel so much better now that I’ve been using one in combination with my pump. It’s a lot of work but it’s worth it.
You have to accept that diabetes is as much a part of your life as eating, sleeping and using the washroom are. You aren’t like other people and won’t be unless there is a cure, but that’s not a bad thing in itself. It’s part of your routine and nearly everything you do involves thinking about it in one way or another, but it really doesn’t stop you from doing anything once you have that mentality, manage it the best you can, and use the best technology you can to manage it. Plus, you’ll start to realize how ignorant most people are about the most basic thing we all do - eat - and how much smarter and more disciplined you will be than non-diabetics once you start to take real control of this thing.
I don’t have anything to add to the comments above. Just know that everybody here understands what you are going through. We’ve all been there. I hope you get the help you need to turn things around. You’ve already taken the first step by asking for help. Keep moving forward and come here anytime.
If you want to be inspired, read this story about a holocaust survivor who survived not only life in brutal concentration camps but survived with type 1 diabetes: http://www.dlife.com/diabetes/export/pics/dLife_Images/Show_pages/219-Ernest-Sterzer-account.pdf
If he could get through that with diabetes, we all can certainly manage ours! Also, he developed blindness later in life and died in his 50s due to going so long with high blood sugars and days without insulin, which is a good reminder of why it’s so important never to ignore this thing.
Embrace your Illness
When I was first diagnosed, I was mistreated and could barely control my habits. I was 17 and had no control. Before diabetes, I smoke, drank, and ate whatever and whenever I wanted. My family barely cared. It took a few years, reaching an emotional bottom, from which I found fitness and decided to change my life. Although the spark that changed my life was not about diabetes, it lead to a healthy life, both emotionally and physically. You will feel better, once you embrace your illness. Make your life about taking care of your diabetes, as much as you can.
To embrace your illness, some ideas:
- Become a semi-vegetarian, and maybe cook more, but find healthy and tasty foods, even if it means buying prepackaged.
- Work out, and/or maintain an active lifestyle
- Read and watch news about your illness. Become an expert in diabetes.
- Help others. Most of my worry was self-generated, and once I decided to keep my eyes focused outward, rather than on myself, most of my anxiety passed
- Develop a regular life, even though it might be a bit boring. Otherwise, learn to live it dynamically, always have your kits and insulin. Be prepared and be smart.
- Find a good endocrinologist. I have been lucky, and smart, to make sure I see some of the best.
- Talk with that doctor, or even better, the nurse practitioner. Make sure you walk out of that office with all your questions answered.
- Do what you need to manage your diabetes, even if it runs a bit counter to the usual suggestions
When I was diagnosed T1D 30 years ago, a persistent thought was “I don’t want to live dependent upon insulin, stabbing and injecting myself”. What quickly got me out of that disastrous mindset was family and my responsibility to care and nurture my children and wife. Search your soul for the REASONS to survive then embrace the potential you have for a great life.
We’ve all been there and understand your level of frustration, exasperation and depression. I can’t help but wonder if you’ve been given the support, information and tools to properly manage your T1. I was diagnosed 5 years ago, and have been able to relegate my T1 to a minor annoyance (most of the time). It does throw me a curve ball once in a while, like this morning when I woke up at 180 for no apparent reason whatsoever. But I’ve learned to roll with it and just move on.
Good BG management does not need to be an ongoing rollercoaster ride. But it takes a good understanding of diet, basal requirements, I:C and correction ratios. Once those are dialed in, you should be able to enjoy mostly “normal” glucose levels.
Diabetes should never prevent you from having a rich and rewarding, long life. I’ve always believed people with Diabetes can do whatever non-diabetics can do, it just takes a little more planning.
As you can see in the responses, there is a wealth of knowledge to be shared by the members of this forum who are happy to get you there. We’re here to help, and happy to give specific nuts and bolts advice wherever you need it. We’re all here to support and help each other. Feel free to describe the specifics of what’s not working, and I’m certain you’ll get sound advice from members here who’ve faced the exact same challenges and solved it.
I remember 30 or so years ago when I was diagnosed around the age of 5, and I was always very frustrated being the one who couldn’t eat their Halloween candy, had to plan so much more to do any extra insulin shots, and other things. But now with the Insulin Pump (your doctor has gotten you that, right?), the simpler (and quicker!) blood glucose testing, and getting used to figuring out how some of the different foods affect my blood glucose, it really isn’t as bad as some people make it sound. I know I said 30 years, but it didn’t really take that long. Once I got the Insulin Pump, it gave me the freedom to eat pretty much anything everyone else does. The Insulin Pump is a pain in the neck to change, but at least it’s only once every 2-4 days, depending, and it doesn’t take away your freedom to doing stuff on whatever schedule is best for you. I think that if you try to think positive you’ll be able to adjust more quickly, so good luck!