My husband is a good man. For now, I am staying home with our 4 kids. He works full time at night, does not go the the bar, goes grocery shopping, is not abusive and is a faithful husband. My problem? D is huge! It’s a huge almost unbearable weight mentally and emotionally. Partly because I am obsessive about controlling the D and partly due to work schedules, I have always been in charge of the D. I prepare all of Anthony’s meals, take him to all doctors appts, manage his insulin doses, make all decisions regarding treatment, check his blood sugar in the middle of the night and anything and everything else D related that I may have forgotten to mention. My problem is because I worry so much and couldn’t not be involved in the management of D my husband feels he doesn’t need to be involved. If there is something he needs to know he figures I’ll tell him. Does anyone else deal with it all on their own? Am I being unreasonable feeling frustrated that he can be so uninvolved with something so important? I don’t need his help to take care of business but even after 28 months since dx I have such strong feelings of negativity towards D. Really I want to know do any other households run this same way?
I stay home with my four kids too. And, we were diagnosed 28 (Sept '11) months ago--my daughter was a few weeks shy of turning six and I was mid-way through my pregnancy with #4. I can't complain about my husband either (he's great) but I know exactly how you feel. I'm a type A personality and manage our entire (I mean ENTIRE) household--nothing in our household gets planned without my doing it. I have a husband that travels 75% of the year for his career and therefore I haven't expected him to learn how to manage our daughters diabetes without my guidance. I feel it's not very fair to expect him to understand something that he's not around enough to understand. I wish he was more 'trained' on the care of our daughter because I can't get away -- he does do well with it but in short time frames. I haven't had a full 'day off' (okay, maybe I'm expecting too much here) from carb counting, insulin dosing, etc. in 28 months plus the traveling husband and a newborn (he's now almost two) and I'd say I'm tired. It's been rough and tiring (and stressful), so I totally hear you and I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone.
I would bet stay at home moms/dads tend to be the larger caregiver of the diabetes because we're in it all day, everyday. I would also bet that whichever parent has the more type A personality tends to be the larger caregiver too. But I could be wrong. So, although it sucks (best way to say it) currently and without wishing away my child's childhood, I am grateful that this is a disease that she will be able to take care of in the next 5-8 yrs and she will be able to lead a (fairly) healthy adult life.
Same way in our household, except I work outside the house as well. My husband has PTSD ( thats another story) and is unable to work. He actually slept thru alot of the in hospital training we received for our 9 yo son. At first massive feelings of resentment even anger. It hasn't changed four years in. What has changed is the fact that I came to the realization, that I can't make him change. And it only hurts me to have those feelings, so I just "let it go". It helps that our son is 14 now, and is very responsible, but there where times I was so tired I would think - did I do that right?. Please hang in there for your sons sake. Talk with you husband, if he doesn't have PTSD, it may help. If not, for your mental health, let the resentment go or it will destroy you. Prayers for you and yours.
Thanks ladies! I have to say that I’m glad I went from working ft to pt right before dx. If I had still been working ft I’d go crazy. We relocated several months ago so I’m at home right now and hope I can keep it that way for a while. I do think how nice for my husband to not have to stress. I try not to resent him because it’s true it doesn’t help at all. I really think about the what ifs. I don’t want to borrow trouble but heaven forbid I get sick or injured my husband would be lost! He doesn’t know who our doctor is. Not the name address or phone number. There are so many things I do by habit especially since getting Anthony a pump that if I was incapacitated he’d have to rely on a 10 yr old for info about his diabetes management. That thought is a little unsettling. Luckily for my husband I refuse to get sick or injured! So good luck to all of us! Btw Heather Anthony was dx 9/12/11. That was the worst day of my life 
Just a suggestion - you may want to write down the important info, such as, Dr. name address and phone, as well as, your sons insulin regimen and put it in an envelope, in safe place, for your husband, just in case... that way you won't have to worry. Tell your husband what it is. Maybe that will open an avenue of discussion for you two.
It is very much the same way in my house, too. It is very hard! My husband will do just about anything I ask him to do, but I also feel I shouldn't have to ask. But, it does get frustrating. This disease can be all-consuming, but he 'gets' to act like nothing is going on. My favorite is when we have a pump failure... he doesn't even know what the sound means. He just sits there, usually on the computer, while my daughter and I get everything together and change out the pump. He is a great guy, he really is! I have become a little more pushy about him helping -- what if something does happen and I am not around for a pump change. Luckily my daughter is 13, so she could walk him through it. But, she is scared to have her dad do it...I think she senses his fear, so she will not let him actually help her insert the pump. It is all on me. He has started to pay more attention to her CGM, and we do take turns getting up to check her BG in the middle of the night if we need to. It just would be nice to feel like we are in this together, rather than me doing so much of it alone. I have tried to just accept it, for the most part. In some ways, I know there is a part of me that doesn't want to give up the control (as if I really have any control over this stupid disease), so I try to remind myself of that when I get frustrated. I think many of the other comments are right -- the one who is home more often or is more type A (and I am both of those) often ends up doing the bulk of the work. And, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you couldn't not be involved in the management, so your husband doesn't feel like her needs to be involved. I think my husband looks at this as if it is my thing... I worry enough about it, so he is free to think about other things. He knows I've got it. And, again, if I'm honest with myself, I want to get the one to 'get it', not the one who walks around oblivious. And, she was diagnosed 8/13/12. I don't see it changing, and most of the time that is okay. I just keep praying for a cure or a 'bionic pancreas' -- before she goes away to college. Thanks for posting.. it does help to know I am not alone in this, either.
Linda you are too nice. We both know it's not something I may want to do. I need to do it! I know this. When we were in Nevada and on MDI our doctor was right down the road and we had a detailed dosing chart on the fridge. Now between relocating, new doctor, adjusting doses and switching to the pump things have been up in the air but that makes it more important for him to have easy access to all of the necessary info. An open avenue of discussion would be very nice!
Ginger, I think you either live in my house or my head lol. Wow your comment is so 100000% accurate for me! As much as I wish none of us had this in our lives I am glad we have each other to lean on when we just can't hold ourselves up.
First of all your son and your husband are so lucky to have you. You’re clearly a fantastic mom and a fantastic wife. Even in two years when your son is a bit older and you can transfer some of the care to him, it will feel much different. I have a nine-year-old and a 13-year-old, and they are just such different ages!so do hang in there. It is interesting, as my 13-year-old, the one with type one, gets more and more independent, we have a great team that reminds me to stay heavily involved. My son is uber responsible, but we don’t want to let him be too independent, because there may be a day when he’s not as responsible and we will have a part-time stepping in. Good advice from our team. The other good advice I have gotten is not to try to control diabetes but to try to manage it. It is a bit more of a Zen approach, I suppose, but with the same goals and outcomes. I only mention this because I think it helps us take a step back as power moms and breathe a bit more. And there are simply times out of control. I don’t know if this helps, but it is the words of wisdom from a favorite support person!
Jeje I can’t tell you how nice that is to hear. So let me say thank you so much for your kind words.
Hang in there- from one Jennifer to another Jennifer! I finished my comment after hitting send on that last one. I hope it is not preachy!
Not preachy at all! I have been guilty since dx of trying to control it vs manage it. I’m lucky that even at 10 Anthony is uber responsible too and I hope that continues when he’s a teenager. I think with my type A personality and his type A personality if I’m there to back him up the D will be that much easier I hope to keep in check. Right now I do deal with it all on my own but soon enough it will be Anthony dealing with it and me supporting him. It’s stressful as a parent trying to control or manage the workings inside someone else’s body. I can’t feel his numbers so I’m working blind and doing my best.
We all are. And I hope to stay supportive to my 13 year old- we want him to feel that we are a team. I nag him about all of his messes (dishes, laundry) but not his diabetes rubbish on the table. My way of showing him I have got his back. He is great at choosing his own dose (thank you, pump!!!) but we do a reality check often. He is a math and numbers wiz, so I end up trusting him, but make sure to measure and carb count all meals or serve family style with measuring cups on the table. He is off with friends and does sleep-overs, but I am on text with him all the time. He comes home from school alone and we text. Thank goodness for text! He will be a kid and forget to check, but that is why I stay involved. Such a balance! It has only been 16 mo since dx. I am surprised by how we are all doing. By the way, sometimes when my husband makes dinner (which is not often and usually scrambled eggs and toast)he will totally forget to carb count. WTF? Its like, hello?
I think you just need to back off and let him manage it. When he is throwing up being 500 or has a nasty reaction at 50, he’ll get the hint that he is in the driver’s seat and you’ll be free of the guilt that goes with empowering him not to do anything on his own.
Here is a mans perspective. Shame on any man who does not take the time to understand their kids health. I travel as well and am recently divorced - from the start I read every book I could find about diabetes so I could understand what is best physically and psychologically for my little girl. She was dx at 6 and is 9 now. Dr.Bernstein has a great book - buy your husband that book and ask him to take the time to read and understand what you are dealing with - its called the Diabetes Solution. Very informative. I took the lead with our daughter as my wife was checking out but she finally got on board after reading this book and now does a pretty good job managing when my girls are with her.
Hi Jennifer
My wife and myself both make the best contribution we can to caring for our boy. However, depending on different issues we both can take a lead on different matters in relation to our sons needs. I work on more tech issues and she decides more on behavioural issues. Having said that we both agree that to a point if one of us managed everything then our boy might get a more optimal/ consistent care. We felt the difficulty with leaving one parent to make all decisions was similar to how you described. The pressure gets to much and you need a break. The challenge you have is going to be introducing your husband to sharing the burden without feeling you are being to dominant or prescriptive with initial advice. Perhaps a starting point would be to introduce him to the communication of whats going on each day so he has the opportunity to observe the decisions being made. For example if you can use a text sharing application (viber) so that your communication with the school can automatically go to your husband as well as yourself he will begin to get a good understanding of your daily challenges. An alternative would be to summarise your daily decisions and what factors you took into account when making each call on insulin / carbs etc this might start the ball rolling. I'm not saying my wife and I have it down to a tee and dont get my wrong, we have tough discussions when we disagree but overall I think we both benefit from the sharing of decisions and we both spend alot of time cursing / forgiving each other for not making the best choice. best regards