I just can't seem to win. I have a really good few days diabetes wise and then a few bad days. I just can't seem to get it right.
I am still trying to accept the fact that I have diabetes and that it isn't going away anytime soon. I know they are working on trying to find a cure, but I have been hearing that for many years now. How does everyone else deal with it?
I'm trying to stay positive, but it's really hard. Following my meal plan, and giving myself multiple injections a day really SUCKS. I know I need to start looking at the positives that have come out of this...and try to get back on track. I never thought I would say that I have an eating disorder because of the diabetes and just how easy it is to manipulate it. And maybe that is a positive. There are many people out there struggling with diabulimia and they don't even know it. Maybe I need to make that my cause. I need to bring awareness, and hope that it is possible to recover.
Now, I'm dealing with being back at work and being in a car accident (with a totaled car and having to find a new one)and the stress is definetely affecting my diabetes. And I feel so very alone. Even though both of my parents are diabetic, I don't feel like I can really talk to them. I'm so embarrased to talk about the diabulimia because I feel so much shame because of it. I wish I could find others that are dealing with the same thing. I've found some, but even they don't seem as though they want to talk about it.
Michelle,
Any recovery process is one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time , or a minute at a time. A successful day is measured sometimes by your head hitting the pillow at night to go to sleep. You are not alone. This disease is so multi level, it is unbelievably challenging. Give yourself a break. It sounds like you are addressing your issue, by participating in your program for diabulimia for three months. Your journey is exactly that, a journey, and life happens (like a car accident) and it makes it that much harder.Hang in there.
Michelle, it’s taken me a long time to realize that the trick to acceptance is to extend it to everything --even to non-acceptance! In other words, when I find myself in a state of non-acceptance, I do my best to accept even that! Definitely a challenge. Certainly still a work in progress.
I have a wonderful friend and therapist who’s had type 1 for 37 years. When I criticize myself for having disordered eating, she says, “diabetes IS an eating disorder.” Where’s the line between healthy attention to food and obsessing? Where does control stop and compulsiveness start? I find myself crossing over these lines regularly.
Car accidents can really add to your body’s stress load. Are you able to get some help for this? I’ve been helped enormously by a therapy called Self-Regulation Therapy, which has been studied quite extensively for its effectiveness in gently releasing the stress of a car accident (or any trauma) from the nervous system. If interested, you can check out a book called Crash Course: A Self-Healing Guide to Auto Accident Trauma and Recovery.
Please know that you’re not alone. Please be very, very kind to yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend. Sending you warmest wishes and a big hug.
I sure know about non-acceptance. Every once in a while (for 19 years) I would go off my insulin in the hopes that the diabetes went away while I wasn’t looking. This usually happened during periods of really good control – I’d see the numbers be in the normal range (more or less), and think “I’m not diabetic – look at those numbers!” Of course, when I went off insulin, the numbers would go up and remind me that no, it didn’t go away after all.
On a milder note, sometimes I would just skip boluses and expect my numbers to be good, but no, they would go very high, because I was eating a lot of carbs, and you know what that means. And once they’ve been high, it’s often very hard to bring them down to a reasonable level again.
I don’t have any advice to you except to grit your teeth and talk to yourself and convince yourself that, yes, this is for life, and you CAN deal with it. Having the online community does help, and I have a special friend who is a CDE and diabetic herself, who will usually gently “scold” me back into good behavior.
You hang in there, and take it one day at a time – that seems to be helpful to me.
You have a lot going on. Stress will make your diabetes a little less well-behaved. Acceptance was a long time in coming for me – even though I thought was an old hand at this. I know that there are folks out there with web sites that deal with your particular eating disorder, check around here for any postings about it. I get a lot of good information and resources that way. It is very hard to deal with anything when you feel like you’re alone. It helps is you give yourself credit for the good things and don’t get hung up on the mistakes. Managing diabetes on it’s own is a job and a half. Having an eating disorder as well is certainly going to complicate the situation.
What you can do is to learn from the mistakes. The diabulemia is going to need some work and some professional help. You aren’t the only one and don’t let your feelings paralyze you. Shame is a heavy burden to carry and I think you may be a little too hard on yourself. Once you recognize there is a problem, there’s no shame in that. If you neglect to do anything about it, that would be a somewhat different story. It’s not something that you are doing intentionally or with malice. So long as you move the ball down the field to correct some of these behaviors, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. Admitting things to ourselves is a hard thing to do sometimes. There’s a lot of strength behind a request for help. Don’t focus on what you feel may be failings and focus on the positive steps that you are taking.
