She feels as if a weight is sitting heavily in her chest, a great lump of dread. The tears begin there, you see, in her heart. They build and begin to flow down her face. Gasping sobs of fear and despair, no dainty tears for her. Her long blonde hair hangs limply in front of her green eyes as she hugs her knees to her chest, trying to draw every piece of her in. Wanting to disappear. The weight in her chest makes it difficult to move, but the pain consuming her makes it necessary. She summons the energy and stands up. Rummages through her purse, stopping to rest once or twice. Finally, she finds what she is looking for and sinks back onto her bed, already exhausted. She runs her finger along the cool metal of the blade wrested from her pink plastic razor. Her mind is now curiously empty. The sight and the feel of the blade allow her to sigh, an ephemeral release. She’s so tired. Does she really need to cut herself? Won’t she be okay without it? If only the razor could just go away…magically transform into a warm, loving hug. But no. She mustn’t try to escape or back down. She’s already come this far. Tears again fill her eyes as she idly, lightly, draws the blade across her hipbone. Two, three, seven lines of red. It stings a little, once she stops. Eleven, fourteen, twenty shallow cuts. She supposes it’s enough. The thin crimson lines are quite beautiful; her hip looks a bit tortured. Good- now her outsides match her insides. She lies back , rests her eyes a little. But she must put the blade away, flush the bloody tissues, put a Band-Aid on the woefully shallow cuts. She does it all, lazily, her sadness and damaged body making her bone tired. She checks her blood sugar. 450. She does not bolus. She lays in bed, feeling as if she’s being sucked into a vortex. She is unable to keep her eyes open any longer: she drifts off to sleep, hand cupping her wounded hipbone.
Know what you mean, feel better.
Are you a regular "cutter’. ( self-mutilator) during times of stress+ I have not checked out your profile or any of your other blogs… Please get some help TODAY!!! Go to a mental health crisis center…You must correct your high blood glucose AND ,get treated , gifted writer and deserving of the BEST that life has…Please get help TODAY!!!
You are not a bad diabetic! You are a person that needs help coping with the depression and with the disease itself. It wasn’t too long ago I felt like jumping of a cliff because I couldn’t understand why my body was declaring mutiny on me.
Please if you need to talk I am available. Please try to find a counselor or a Diabetic Educator or clinic to help you with both of these conditions. Cutting is not going to make your situation better. Cutting yourself on the hipbones has got to be painful too. Please get some help
Briar-rose you’re not a bad diabetic! You are not alone either. But like others have mentioned, the first step in moving past hard times like these is to get some help. Start by getting a positive and supportive diabetes care group–an endo, a CDE, a nurse practitioner, etc. Then look at getting some counselling therapy as well. Know that you are not alone as you bear your cross (of diabetes). We are here to help you and support you as well!
Well, you certainly are not a bad diabetic, but you are certainly a gifted writer! But please, please find someone to talk to. I’ve been doing this crap for 40 years, and there are times when I have been incredibly depressed and stressed out over the whole thing. You are not alone in this
We deal with enough on our own as diabetics - private nurses to the incessant monitoring. Don’t try to deal with the depression and cutting alone, too. hugs Find someone that can help you focus all this emotion. Cutting is pain you have control over - that’s why you feel better, but it’s not something that is good for you or will fix the underlying problem - the pain you don’t feel you have control over. In the end, it’s just more pain. And you don’t deserve more pain. I agree that if you can bring your blood sugar down, the world will start to make more sense.
My dear Briar-Rose. You are not alone… You seem to be a beautiful and intelligent young lady…also talented if I may say. You write wonderfully! I know…I understand how diabetes can sometimes get the best out of us. But you know? There are far more people here that would love to share their successes conquering our condition. Many lives healthy, happy, excellent lives. And you can too. Youre not alone…we are here. If you need somebody to talk with…I am here.
hugs hugs hugs
I understand how you feel. I am not a cutter but I majored in Psych so I understand why people do it. It is only a temporary relief for your pain and won’t solve the deeper issues here. But I am sure you know this. Plus you do not want to look back in 20 years and see those scars. Yes, the pain might always be there in one way or another but you can find other ways to cope. I know it does seem like it now but you can. You have lots of other options. It is a long process to stop this sort of thing but taking the first step will make you feel better. Don’t be so hard on yourself too. I am sure you are doing your best and you are strong person to have to deal with this disease at such a young age. Hey, I am 40 and just was diagnosed and I can hardly even deal with it! And how nicely you write! Keep at it! I understand. I have to put my thoughts down in a blog too sometimes but they are too weird to tell them to anyone. This is a good thing. It can be therapetic for you. It is a good alternative to getting out the pain as opposed to cutting.
Treatment for you: Get the blood sugar down and find someone to talk to about your cutting. And lots and lots of hugs from the people here at TuD as a replacement. I am sure they will be lined up around the block for you and you will have more hugs than you will know what to do with!
Hang in there! You will make it through. (more hugs!)
((((heartfelt understanding hugs)))) x x x
I wish I could be there to give you those hugs.
Please get some help. My son is diabetic (newly diagnosed at 14) and I think it’s been harder on me than him. I know what it’s like to be hurting on the inside but there are so many people who can help you. Please treat your highs… people love you and you need to talk to someone to help you. You remind me of myself when I was in college, very emotional and I used to write poetry about my feelings. Now I am a mom and I want to know that you are going to me okay.
I’d like to second the comment about your writing lovely prose. We’re all of us trying to make it though, and we all have our ways of doing it, and probably all of us have ways of doing it that are less than ideal. I struggle to work through my issues, and I happen to need some help to do it. Not every day is a good one, but I’m making progress, and I sure have more good days than I used to.
Yep. Been there. Done that… not so fun Depression and cutting is like diabetes some days are good and some are bad… and then some are really bad. Your writing sounds like most like the latter option on the list…
I know your prose is written in the third person, but I’m going to guess you are talking about yourself… I’m also going to guess that diabetes and maybe even depression isn’t the only thing going on for you. At least, it never has been for me when cutting happens. Rather, there’s a whole lot of not-niceness behind that…
I know over the years people have told me what they think it’s about, but they never really got it… a little like the diabetes. I don’t know what it is for you, but for me it was like I had something hateful and hurtful trapped inside me and I just needed to get it out somehow. Cutting did that… but in the long-term, talking does it better. For some people that’s a therapist, for others its a support group, and for others it’s a friend. Whichever is best for you, I hope it finds you soon…
And, BTW, just in case people in your life have not told you: you are smart, talented, pretty and not bad…
Take care… and hugs…
Your not a bad diabetic, but you do sound like a depressed PWD. Diabetes is hard and it’s 24X7. I know it’s difficult and scary and frustrating, but you are so worth it girl! Please talk to someone re: your cutting, PLEASE.
Have you ever considered meeting with a Certified Diabetes Educator, a.k.a CDE? They can really help.
Briar-Rose, your beautiful, talented, and so many people care and love you.
Love yourself enough to get help, so that you be happy, live well, and inspire all who come in contact with you.
I went through a time where I was so depressed that I stopped taking care of my diabetes. I was dealing with alot of other stuff besides diabetes and was felling like if it was going to kill me eventually may as well speed along the process. I stopped taking my insulin, stopped checking my bg. I was miserable.
What helped me was knowing all the people who cared about me. That they weren’t going to give up on me even if I had given up on myself.
I want you to know that even though you’re feeling so alone right now you are not. There are people that care about you and want you to take care of yourself. You should talk to someone. Be it a parent, friend, counselor, some one here. You need to get the pain out in a less destructive way.
I’ll be thinking of you
I used to cut, and there are times and circumstances where I wish I could again. I am so sorry that you are in such pain that cutting is the only way that you can find to help rid you of the hurt? I can so relate to the depression, the pain, the need to see that you are as others are, your blood is red just like other’s blood is red.
Sometimes the pain of the blade is less painful than the pain that is causing the cutting. I agree that you should talk to someone, someone who understands that this kind of cutting isn’t a suicide attempt, but a way to deal with a lot of stuff that is in your soul and your heart. I have the scars on my arms and my stomach from my five years of cutting, and although some may think it is a reminder of worse times, I think, for me it is a reminder of my life in general. I don’t have those scars out of hate for me, but out of trying to find some love for myself.
Briar-Rose, please because you do love yourself enough to reach out to find an answer or at least share your pain, please seek out someone who will help you understand and possibly stop the cutting. You will get back on the track of taking care of your “D”…you are not bad, you are not even close. You are in pain, and you hurt.
Your writing is a good outlet…and you are very good at expressing your pain and hurt…now might be the time to tell someone who can help you with it.
Stay in touch, know that we who have answered care a great deal about you. Many, many hugs.
Thank you so much, everyone, for your kind comments. It means the world to me, knowing that someone cares. I have been cutting since I was 12 - so 6 years ago- and I got diabetes when I was 14.
Keep checking in with us …we are thinking about you.
There is no bad diabetic at all. The problem with diabetic is that that often felt guilty but SHOULD NOT. Diabetes is not a science, it is an art. This disease is not like another sickness for which you could raise the medication and everything should be fine. Diabetes is harder than that. You always have to be aware, to watch, control, test, check, eat this, don’t eat that, etc… So when you lose control, you should not felt guilty, because you have made big efforts to keep yourself in good control. Even if you do all you should do, you’ll have some bad BG.
And you know what ? It happens to all of us !!!
Please change your blog topic to : “I am a normal diabetic”