To talk some more. If anyone wants to read,.
It’s been almost a month. I guess a week short. Feels like a few months really. Or a long time ago. Or yesterday. Depends on the day, the mood. Sometimes I am mad. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I think it’s no big deal. Sometimes I feel loved. Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll be a burden one day. Sooner, or later. I felt afraid to travel alone, when I’ve done that in Europe for many years. I tried to hide it at work, and that was not successful. I had a supervisor announce she knew I had diabetes now, said she guessed it from my having dr. appointments when I never did before, from eating changes,then cheerfully wave goodbye Friday afternoon and yell “Don’t kick the bucket over the weekend!” She also told me someone she knew died with numbers around 400. Just keeled over dead in her chair, while her husband was in the kitchen. Asked me if I found out by having a diabetic seizure. I’m pretty grateful it’d been 3 weeks of time to adjust for me, before THAT happened. I don’t meet with the nutritionist until Feb 11. Had trouble there to get everyone scheduled at the same time (myself, hubby, and the traveling dietition). A wonderful mother who’s making soup to feed an army, freezing it in little jars, so I don’t have to think about work/lunch every day. My metformin was doubled from 500mg to 1000 with dinner. I am moody when my readings are low. I feel pretty crummy. And these are readings of 115! I asked the Dr why I felt crummy at normal numbers. He said my body had been used to 2-300’s. So I feel low(ish) at normal readings right now. My cholestorol numbers came back excellent. Blood pressure, thyroid all great. It appears I just have diabetes. JUST. Bleah.
I just have diabetes. I HAVE DIABETES. What sort of weird denial did I go into? I get so mad when I feel like a burden because I don’t do well if my meds/dinner are really late. So I try to stick to 5-6 dinner. I feel badly if the family wants to go somewhere I don’t feel I have choices. Half the time I can’t be bothered to want to cook/eat. Yet if I wait too long, my liver kicks into high production, and up go my numbers. Damned if I do? damned if I don’t? Hopefully the dietician will convince me that eating helps, not harms. I feel all backwards.
I got a comment today, from my very first post and it was not easy to read. It was very harsh, very real, very sugar-free. I don’t think the place I am in today, is that dark. But what I respected was, the person commenting is further into this than me. Further down that road of emotional reaction. Maybe I will go through that dark place. I’ve been foolishly thinking things like,I’m gonna be so much healthier now. My whole family will be. The medicine isn’t making me sick everyday anymore. My numbers are gradually, every few days, coming down. I now stress if I get over 140, instead of praying I’ll get under 200. Am I not scared ENOUGH? Should I be more upset? Am I in shock? Am I ok?
The comment I received talked about kidney failure and losing vision and being a virtual invalid. I’m not sure I’ve wrapped my mind around all of those potentials. I certainly don’t think of them often. Maybe I should?
I try to think of nothing more than 2 hours off. When do I test again? What will I try to eat,and get through the day bit by bit. Eventually the end of the day comes and I sink into my pillows. I think I’m forgetting to worry about the long term. I have just enough energy for the right now.
The crying has become sporadic. When I am frustrated with having to make a special meal decision apart from everyone else. Cry when I feel like a burden. It’s less and less and my family has by and large been wonderful. It’s an adjustment for all. The changes have swept across the entire household, and everyone is game.
I can’t wait to get out of my own head enough to read everything I can here and meet all of you. I saw the section on cooking/menu ideas. I think I will start here tonight. Then try to discover as much about each of my new friends as I can.
I am so glad I have somewhere to be. To say this all.
First off, let me say that I am so sorry that you have had to deal with so many tactless people. Tact is such a thing so many people lack! And they don’t think, or realize, before they open their big mouth to either patronize, or snoop into someone’s life. I want to say… Do NOT listen to these people. They are not there to help you, they are there because they love to hear themselves talk.
At work, if you feel comfortable with that supervisor, I would privately sit down with them and politely let them know that you are still trying to cope with the reality of your diagnosis, and that you would like some privacy. If you do not feel comfortable, or of this person ignores your request, and persists in being a nuisance, go to Human Resources and discuss your situation. Supervisors have a RESPONSIBILITY to keep employee information CONFIDENTIAL, especially when it comes to things like illnesses. This is a serious breach of privacy, and if someone doesn’t stop it, tomorrow… it could be a person with AIDS being marginalized.
The second thing you should do is take a deep breath, and try to go through your emotions… and face them. Being diagnosed with a chronic illness is often like grieving – we go through the same stages of denial, anger, and acceptance. Take your life, one step at a time, and try to think positively when you can. Many, many people on this site, and around the world, can and DO live a healthy, happy life… even though they have Diabetes. We may have ups and downs, but we are no less productive, or active, than others. Learn at your own pace – read up on some good sites, like “Blood Sugar 101” which is run by one of our members. Read some books, as she recommends on that site, or from other user’s suggestions… But take it all in, one step at a time. Do not overwhelm yourself: remember that every illness has consequences, endlessly. But you are not one who ignores her health. You care, and you try your best to learn.
Finally, I want to say… have a meeting with your family. Explain to them where you are, and how you all need to work together as a team, from now on, for your success, and so that you can be around for them for many, many years to come. I know they love you, and they will want to work with you… to help you find a solution. A diabetic diet does not have to be a crippling thing. There are plenty of good books on how to do a low carb diet, or just a reduced carb diet… and many users here have amazing recipes they can share, and strategies on how to handle the restaurants. Don’t be afraid to ask them for advice when faced with these knew challenges! We have all been there before, and we had to ask someone, after all…
I want to just welcome you to our community, wholeheartedly, and reassure you that we are all in this together… to support and encourage each other. Do not give up. I know today might seem blue, but tomorrow… the sun will come up… and it will get easier, and easier, with every baby step we take. HUGS and be well, friend.
I think many of us have weird denial things happen from time to time. As Lizmari says, it’s all normal, and this is natural. We grieve the loss of our ‘old’ lives, and face a new and uncertain future. I think Lizmari says everything so well, but if I can stress, please give it some time. You are taking those baby steps… the cooking and menu ideas is a great start. Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed. People don’t mean to be ignorant, like your supervisor, but it does happen, and you will learn as you go… how to deal. Pick your battles. An important thing to know is that some people say thoughtless things, like your supervisor. I read what that person said to you, and I can assure you, that as you come to know more about D, you will be in a better place to rise above these negative attitudes.
I have T1, and have experienced denial for years, and with even a simple user error in using my insulin pump, I can have a 450 in the virtual blink of an eye. When I was in denial (and not testing), I’m sure I had more high numbers than you can count. I’m not saying this was good by any means, but I am lucky enough to be hear. What I’m saying is, just deal with it one step of a time. Baby steps and all that. Sure, you might have some missteps along the way and perhaps you’ll wonder whether it’s ok to eat something or not, but focus on the bigger picture. Yes, learn to improve what you eat, what your family eats, compensate for some of your missteps by going for a walk, playing raquetball, or walk the dog. If you work on improving your health overall, you’ll start to see improvements. Not overnight though.
But your A1C will tell the bigger story, so please don’t get hung up on a high number here or there, and get caught up in the little stuff, especially when this is one big learning curve as it is. For now, just figure out where you are and move forward (like you’ve already started to do).
I just read what I wrote - sorry for my rather rambling post here… but I hope this helps!
I totally and absolutely feel your pain. My four year old son has type 1 diabetes and was dignosed September of 2009. At first I thought it was going to be easy and everything would be ok (in my mind) in a few weeks. As the days started going by and I realised it wasn’t going to even let up a little bit, I fell into a dark place. It is amazingly hard to balance everything for him (my work, daycare, playschool, home and social life) and when he is in pain I have found myself wondering if I even should have had kids. He has a few complication with his diabetes , having Graves disease as well makes things alot more confusing. We still struggle with making him proper meals after having worked a 12 hour night shift the night before but I have started to realise that when I think about it, his health is SO worth it. I am not diabetic myself but I had gestational diabetes when pregnant with his younger brother so I really sympathise.
Anyways, just wanted to tell you that for us it has gotten much harder on month 4 than it was for us month 1 and we just deal with things as they come and that seems to help. If you want someone to talk to I am here, please don’t feel like you are alone. I really have noone else to talk to about these things and would enjoy exchanging ideas. Take care.
I really think the people here, are going to be the single most important thing that gets “me” through this. I will get the diet down, I will get the med juggle down, I will walk the exercise walk,but you all will be what gets ME through it. Jeleis, I would love to talk about these things with you. I just realized that given the choice to have my child go through this, or taking it on myself? I’d far rather choose myself, then any of the three of mine facing it. It could be more difficult. I will listen/support in anyway I can. I don’t know that much about diabetes so far, but I know a little about the feelings I am having.
When I was reading your first post I guess that the American system must be different than the Canadian one because you were talking about your sugar levels by the 100’s. Our sugar targets are from 4.0-11.0. A 33 is the highest our machine reads. Wondering if maybe there is a chart so I can understand a little more. I would like to learn this anyways because I think the bulk of people on here are American and use that system. Any idea where I could find a chart that shows the conversion. Would be nice to have.
An easy way is to divide the US number by 18, you get roughly the Canadian equivalent.
Jeleis, there’s a nice conversion chart you can use at the Children with Diabetes website, located here: http://www.childrenwithdiabetes.com/converter.htm
thank you very much.
I’m here for you! I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there more than once and I know I’ll be there again. You’re doing the best thing you can - reaching out to this community and to people who will hopefully sympathize with you and grab your hand to walk along this crazy path!
You have received caring, wonderful, and some wise responses already. Life can be rewarding and it can be overwhelming. I’ve found I don’t get one without the other.
I’m sleepy or I’d write more. I recently found this group/website and I welcome you. I’m glad you’re here!
Julie Ann 