…but I have a hard time believing it. I’ve got wonderful friends, the most wonderful boyfriend any girl could ask for, a good relationship with my dad after many years of struggle, and a roof over my head. There is just something that I can’t get over, that keeps me stuck in a rut…it makes me feel helpless…like I’m failing everyone. I know they don’t think that way, but I’ve always been afraid of failure.
I’ve had my misfortune, who hasn’t? My mom passed away when I was 12, my dad had a quadruple bypass that same year. a year later he was was in a horrible car accident and almost died himself, and maybe 6 months later I was diagnosed with type 1. I made it through all of that and I’m ok. I just can’t seem to get a handle on my diabetes. I’ve had it since I was 13, but I can’t get it…I don’t get it…I will do well with testing my sugars, and try to eat the right things…I get plenty of exercise at work…but the first time I have a high sugar reading I quit testing. I’ve let myself down and I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t like to fail, and that’s what it feels like. I try to talk to my friends about it, but they don’t have diabetes and I can’t explain how I feel to them. I love them to death, I just don’t know how to get them to understand. I don’t want to let myself down, and I don’t want to hurt myself by not controlling my diabetes. I know that my life is good I just get down at times. I’m not depressed, don’t get me wrong, I just don’t know what to do. sometimes I feel like I don’t know what to do.
Tonight, I try again.