I'm so embarrassed at what I've done to my body

I’m a 36 year old woman who has made some incredibly stupid, risky healthy decisions, and I’m so embarrassed. I have a toddler, and I have to get my health under control.

As a teenager I struggled with an additional 20 lbs of body weight, and would yo-yo continually. I was diagnosed with PCOS at 19, and well, the yo-yoing continued. I never got above 170 or below 130 (5’4") but I’d see each number every couple years. It was exhausting. My health numbers were great though, and I really did eat “fairly” healthy. At least comparatively. I wasn’t a sugar fiend, ate and loved plenty of vegetables. Just ate too much and other things, too. When I turned 31, I was 160 lbs, and I had this “brilliant” idea to get lapband. I couldn’t do it in the US because my BMI/risk factors didn’t qualify, but hey, Mexico would take me. My thought was that I’d get the band, not have any fills until I reduced my weight back to 130. Then I’d start using the band to maintain.

I never got below 150 and started creeping up. Originally no restriction at all- I could eat what I wanted. The last two years, something’s gone really wrong. I can’t get most dense or fibrous food (meat or vegetables, even most starchy grains) down. After a bite or two, something “catches” and I end up regurgitating anything eaten after that point, covered in esophogeal slime. I’m sure something has slipped or is scarring. And I just can’t bring myself to go to the doctor while everything is so out of control. The two years have been so devastating, health-wise. I can keep down ice cream, shakes, fruit, white flour, candy some fruit (blueberries, yes. apple with peel, no). Really anything that’s not meat and is very low fiber. Basically the worst food ever. I’m at 220 lbs, having gained 50 pounds in just over two years. I know I have at least prediabetes, probably full blown. I regularly pass out after a sugary meal, so little energy. My toes tingle for no reason. My heels are severely cracked. The skin below my knees and armpits has darkened. I don’t exercise and am in terrible shape. The cravings are ridiculous. I went to the dentist for the first time in three years, and despite having one cavity in my entire life, had NINE. I know I’d have a similar terrible report if I were to get a physical. My last physical was three years ago, and my numbers were at the very edge of prediabetes.

The (hopefully last straw) was two days ago. I was driving and the vision right above the center of my eyes got wavy. I could see, but it was so distracting I had to pull over. It lasted about five minutes, and then I had an “eye headache” (for lack of a better word) for the next several hours. So scary.

I know Doctor Google isn’t everything, but I can read a symptom list as well as anyone. I’ve made myself a promise that if my eyesight goes crazy even once more, I’ll get to a doctor, but I’m trying to damage control the diet as best as possible first. Lots of blending, veggie “shakes” and chewing everything as much as possible/eating a single meal over 90 minutes. It’s hard, but I just ugh… it feels like confessing. I’ve ruined my health. And I’m so mad at myself. And mortified. I knew better. And scared.


Make an appointment with your doctor, immediately. Whether or not you have diabetes, you certainly have some other issues which won’t get better by avoiding them. It’s OK to be scared and feel poorly, but your health is terribly important (especially with a toddler dependent on you). A little embarrassment is likely worth it.

Even if you aren’t Type 2 diabetic (which isn’t strictly related to food and weight, by any means), that diet is going to cause havoc on your entire system, regardless. Please seek help!


Please make an appointment to see your doctor immediately. Regardless of the reasons that your health has deteriorated you need to look after yourself and the first step is to see your doctor and to determine exactly what is wrong. Try not to feel too embarrassed to seek help, you have to face what is wrong and deal with the problem head on. I hope that you have someone to talk with about how you are feeling. Please take care


Please don’t let embarrassment stop you from seeing a doctor. Your current and future health depends on it. Your toddlers future happiness may depend on it.

I think you will find a doctor to be much less judgmental than you think, its their job to heal people, not judge them.


I am thinking of you, AnnaNY. You have my prayers and well wishes.

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Echoing what everyone else has said—run, don’t walk, to a doctor. You have real, genuine medical issues that will not resolve themselves by themselves. (Your whole experience demonstrates that, yes?)

Don’t let shame or embarrassment stop you. From your description—and forgive me if I’m assuming too much—it sounds as though they are some of what got you to this point in the first place. Don’t let them win! We have all made choices we would dearly love to undo, or at least, forget. But you can’t fix yesterday. Take the appropriate steps to get better, now. Then you’ll have something to be proud of, instead of embarrassed about.

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Yes, please see a doctor now. For yourself first because if you don’t take care of yourself first, you can’t be there for your child.
And never, ever feel embarrassed taking to your doctor. They have heard it all and they understand. Your doctor is the person you should always be up front and honest with. They need all the info, good or bad to make a good decision on your care. Please get in now. Don’t go for the 2 months out routine. Tell then it is an emergency.

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You don’t have to do what the doctor says, but until you get a professional opinion and the corresponding lab tests, the game you are playing is called Russian Roulette. Until you know and have it accounted for, please don’t drive. Others could be put in danger.

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I am sorry that you are suffering. I would see an Endocrine Doctor and Nutritionist. You will be surprised at how resilient the body can be. You can greatly improve your health but you might benefit from some behavioral modifications by seeing a therapist and learning CBT.
I understand what you are going through. I had health problems that have affected my ability to eat and exercise. I have the fluctuations in weight and that is really hard to deal with.
You sound stressed (with a reason) meditation helped me. Exercise moderately…just make yourself walk out the door every day. The fresh air and being in nature will help your mood.

You can get better. You are frustrated and in pain but you can get a plan and get better. I have faith that everyone can do that.


First step is the hardest,make the call , Or go to ER. If you need to. Nancy

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Hi AnnNY-just reading through the posts the past days. Please let us know how you are as it has been a few days since you posted on OCT 4. I hope you have gone to the hospital or doctor. Don’t wait. You can turn this around. I hope you have medical insurance and if not there is medicaid. Diabetes is a federally recognized disability and medicaid will/should cover necessary treatments.

There are some diabetes medications that help reduce blood sugar and help with weight loss. Victoza is sometimes prescribed for those for weight loss prior to lap band surgery. It has helped me lose 15 pounds in 11 weeks and reduce my blood sugar.

Please let us know and I wish you well. There are many caring people here that can help answer questions and provide support to you. It is a great place to get help. I wish you strength and better health soon!!!

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