Lately I’ve begun taking boluses of 10-12 units of insulin without any food. I think it has something to do with my depression…I don’t really know what I’m hoping for, I will usually be in a bad place when I do it and will totally want an escape. I’ll then get down to a very low bloodsugar, my survival instincts will kick in and I’ll treat the low and come back up. After that my bad feelings sort of go away and I mellow out, almost like an alcohol buzz. Afterwards I’ll end up going the night or the next couple days not treating anything, and then the cycle will start again.
I’m thinking I probably shouldn’t be on the pump anymore, because it makes this too easy, but I can’t imagine getting any sort of decent control with shots, especially with my ridiculous diet of eat-whatever whenever-don’t-care. I’ve been on the pump for maybe 6 or 7 years with no problems, no hospital visits or any complications. Also I hate hate hate shots and just can’t see myself taking that step backwards.
I don’t even know how to go about talking to my endo about any of this :\
I abused my body in a different way because of depression, but it sounds like the root cause is the same. If you can manage to simply tell your endo (or any other doc you see) that you’re depressed, and not even say any more, s/he can refer you to a psychiatrist who can help you. There is NO shame in going to a psychiatrist, or taking anti-depressants – there really IS something wrong, and there comes a time when you CAN’T just pull yourself up by the bootstraps. What you’re doing sounds serious to me, and seems like you really DO need help, and NO, it’s not your fault. It’s just that you need to reach out for help. PLEASE take care of yourself!
I did that sort of thing for a pretty long time, although I was taking R/NPH rather than pumping. I also did IV R shots pretty regularly as they worked faster (eek faster…) that way. I did ok and was fairly ok about being “bad” but had lots of close calls and too many hair-rasing/ wake up in the ER adventures to bore anyone with again. When I got my pump, I was super disciplined, not so much b/c of diabetes but b/c I had gotten really crazy and enrolled in an extremely demanding and rewarding martial arts program. Part of it was saying “oh, ratios and rates, what a novel idea” but then, much to my amazement, I discovered that it worked really well. Unfortunately, right at my “peak”, we had to move and I stopped doing that but for me, pumping = test, see where my BG is and fire away. If the numbers don’t turn out right either the carb counting is off, which is not totally out of the question, as that can be hard or the ratio and basal rate needs to be adjusted. I’ve stuck with it. I eat all sorts of horrible things and am a certified potato chip addict and drink a lot on top of the food. At the same time, my job is super stressful and a useful way for me to deal with that is just just eat very conservatively @ my desk, pretty much the same thing every day. If my ratio changes, which it does sometimes, I usually give it about 3 days and adjust my pump a click. When my pump blew up over the summer, I adjusted it a bit more and was puzzled but not totally suprised when it blew up and, when I got a new one, the ratios right went back where they were.
My main problem with using insulin like something I bought in the parking lot at a Grateful Dead show was that over time (like 25 years?) I gained quite a bit of weight. I’ve now managed to lose much or perhaps all of it but it has been a lot of work, much more work than getting my BG to behave itself. Quite a bit of the work is fun but I’d recommend getting a closer handle on things. The burritos taste better that way?
I very much agree with Natalie. Your post sounds like a cry for help, but we can’t help you long distance. All we can do is encourage you to seek help, to tell someone in real life how you are feeling and to have them help you figure out options. You own death is nothing to flirt with. Your life is worth more than that.
We unfortunately have an “easy” means of suicide close to hand and it doesn’t really matter if it’s pump or shots. Dealing with the feelings that are making you take suicidal actions (even if you aren’t calling it that) is the most important thing for you right now.
Know that you’re not alone in your feelings of depression, I think we all feel at one time or another. But I don’t think getting off the pump and switching to shots is going to help. It may not be as easy for you to take large amounts of insulin with shots, but in reality you will still have the means to and you still won’t be addressing the underlying issues that are motivating you to do this. I know that it’s hard to discuss these kinds of things with your endo, but please ask for help. It’s not a shameful thing to do.
I found it just as easy to take big shots with shots. I don’t think they work quite as well though, which leads to more irregular absorbtion and, perhaps sort of paradoxically, makes it harder to figure out how to handle things. I would estimate (based on hanging out on a couple of message boards…) that if you say “food” at least 50% of endos will refer you to a dietician who will recommend a ridiculous diet, totally disconnected from insulin, etc.
I only meant that it wouldn’t be as easy because anagantios mentioned she didn’t like taking shots. You’re right, I don’t think a dietitian would be helpful in this situation. But it’s better to mention it to someone than not saying anything at all.
I can’t speak as an expert-but I can say I have had similiar experiences. Years ago I was full blown anorexic and bulimic-the starving, bingeing, and purging were my release valves. Since I have stopped those behaviors, I have found that sometimes when I am stressed-or just don’t feel like doing what I need to do-I will “accidentally” take more fast acting insulin than I need-thus a low blood sugar, a fix-“kind of a mini binge” then a rebound of bg, maybe a nap and the pressure seems to lessen. Like you said, almost like a buzz-and it is an altered state. It seems almost like a “cheat” on all three diseases-but it is only me that gets cheated. I have to rebalance everything and my over-all numbers are not great and that is so hard on our bodies.
I think you must care because you are asking for help and you see the problem-(I didn’t realize what was going on for a long time). I agree with the others here that you need to talk to someone about your depression and explore alternative ways to relieve the pressure you feel. It has helped me tremendously just being on this site and talking about it. Once it is out in the open-it is not as powerful. At least, that is the way it has worked for me. I hope that you will keep talking here and find someone close by to see-sometimes medications can make a huge difference and that doesn’t mean you’ll need them for life-just a little help. As everyone says there is no shame in that.
anagantios, I wish I were there to give you a hug. It’s scary to realize that you are doing something that isn’t good for you, but that you are unable to control it on your own. Don’t forget to breathe!
This is NOT your fault, keep reminding yourself of that. You are not weak, or crazy, or any of the other things you’ve probably been calling yourself. It’s great that you’re asking for help.
Please pick whichever of your docs you are most comfortable with (PCP, endo, whomever) and make an appointment, be honest, and accept whatever help they offer. Chances are you won’t be put down, you won’t get a horrified look… you’ll get the help you’re asking for.
You HAVE to talk to the endo. Write him a letter and explain how you feel as you have done here. This is a form of self harm - like a drug addict or an alcoholic who knows he should not drink even a little, but thinking, well heck, in for a penny, in for a pound, I have started so I will finish!
You need to get your depression sorted - the two Ds often go together! There is no shame in it and medications these days are very good, and if one gives you unpleasant side effects then switch to another! Actually there is one that actually has lowering of blood sugar levels as a side effect so it is a double bonus! It is called Sertaline in the UK.
Then you need to get your diet sorted. With a pump I believe that you are less restricted in terms of what and when you eat, but it does require some level of self control too.
If you cannot talk to your endo face to face, how about speaking to a diabetes nurse. They both should understand the feelings you are going through. We all get there at some stages in our lives where everything seems to be too much effort or goes out the window, but we can turn ourselves around and start again. Take it from one who knows!
Sending you big hugs. Message me if you want to talk more. And stop over bolussing and tell me that you will write to the endo.
I agree angjojeff. Either way, you still have the underlying problem of depression and this needs to be sorted soonest. Go to your general practioner to set the ball rolling, or write him a letter and follow up with a visit.
I guess I’m not clear on whether “not treating” in the orginal post meant “not taking any insulin” or just guesstimating dosages. I always took insulin, I just didn’t count or measure anything. I’m still not 100% sure the 'endo" solution will work the best as the endo is not going to make you stop doing either of those. It’s not entirely impossible to “beat” the A1C/ testing “report” and get a pat on the head at the endo either, even while your BG is crazy all over the place w/ ups and downs? If the OP is already doing that, they’d sort of have to decide themselves that they will try to change things up a bit. Perhaps I’m a flake for turning it into a video game as I’ve done but just getting the pump and getting going on counting things and finding out that it sort of works some of the time was enough to engage me in the process a lot more than I’d ever done? If OP has a pump, that may not help, unless you could perhaps check out the reports and use that to see where you are? Sometimes too, having DP or something like that going on can start every day on a down note. I had that pretty much for years. If the current endo doesn’t recognize that as a problem, or see logs (“I forgot again…”?), it would be hard to fix that which can get you on the roller coaster to start every day. It’s certainly tough but I am leery of thinking that doctors fix a lot of this stuff as much as they maintain it and wait for your to blow up.
I have been there with the guesstimation of bolusses, though not to the point of willingly going into lows… But i have had my ‘raggedy’ roller coaster days as well.
i agree, you do need to talk to someone about your depression and super bollusing to get for that low ‘buzz’’ to take the edge off of it… But I understand what you are going through… like acidrock, I too, have gone through eating abosolutely whatever i wanted, not checking my blood glucoses, and just overbolussing…It is about a mental state of just not wanting to count every morsel you out in your mouth , figuring out the carbs and test test test…I think every diabetic using inuslin goes through a "diabetes downer’ of sorts, from time to time, where you just do not want be bothered with all of the details.,. So you do the minimal to stay alive , and feeling relatively Ok… When I get like that, which admittedly isn’t very often now, I give my self only 3 days to not be aware, then I go back to the CGM and moderately low carb, and exercise and test test test routine. Usually, these periods are related to or precipitated by a stressful times in my life, where I have to prayerfully seek out ( and I do find answers to inner turmoil): It is not surprising to me when I find that I feel so much BETTER, both physically and emotionally, when I view slightly rolling hills on the CGM hourly graph, rather that peaks and valleys…
Do take care and talk to someone…but we are here to help.
I have to really commend you. Just coming here and talking about this is a huge step. And looking at yourself and asking these sorts of questions is the first step. I will counter what some others have suggested about talking with your endo. Actually, my experience is that endos are not the best people to talk about feelings. What you really need is a therapist, and one who really specializes in chronic illness and diabetes. And there are ones out there, you just have to look. One in my area is Jody Brand Levine (DiabetesTherapyandmore). Although she may not be in your area, you could contact her and ask for a referral to someone in your area.
From the way that you speak, it is clear that you know that you are not following the diet that you should be and taking uneeded boluses and having to correct is not good. But the problem won’t be solved medically. You have to deal with your feelings on these matters. And once you get your feelings in order, you have to make some real behavior changes. I’m sure that you can do this. If this community can help, I am sure there are many that stand ready and willing.
Brunetta, that is exactly what I did when I threw myself into the coma. Ate whatever I darn well pleased (mostly angel food cake and chocolate layer cake) and took SOME insulin, but didn’t count carbs, didn’t take ENOUGH insulin, and didn’t correct for highs, until I finally started coming out of the depression, by which time, I was so far gone that I COULDN’T get my BGs down at all. Doesn’t matter whether you kill yourself by highs or lows, the result is the same, which is why I’m so concerned about anagantios. Insulin is our life-saver, but also very dangerous, and depression really makes us irrational, and not competent to correctly handle our diabetes. I think our medical helpers and we ourselves should always be looking out to help others who are suffering, and I really hope she gets the help she needs SOON!
And I can’t tell you how glad I am that you found a way to cope with your own problems – we need you here with us!
Have you thought about talking to someone. There are counselors out there who deal just with chronic illness. They are skilled in working through the problems anyone with a chronic illness faces. I had a real bad time a few years ago and the counselor I spoke with a few times really helped me.
Your endo has heard it before–you will not be the first to ask for help. You could call a diabetes center at a local hospital and ask for some name. That is actually how I found mine.
The endo is there to help, but if you don’t talk to him, he cannot help.
Thanks. I’ve been to several psych professionals, including ones with experience with diabetics, in the past and have spent some time at a hospital for my depression as well. None of it ever did anything to help, but eventually I thought I had gotten over it and it had settled down for the past few years. Now it’s back! But I don’t put much stock in psychiatrists unfortunately :\
