I was thinking about starting this with “the names have been changed to protect the innocent” when I realized the whole reason I wanted to write this was because I don’t think there is guilt or blame in depression. I notice so many people won’t talk about depression, or share anything personal in life. Let me start by saying I’m not ashamed of anything in my life. A good friend reminded me recently that “stuff happens, it’s how one deals with stuff when it happens that is a true measure of one’s soul.”
So I found myself terribly depressed the other day and thought that perhaps it would help me, and maybe even someone else, if I tried to document my thoughts and feelings. Too often I will recover from a bout with depression and because I am feeling better I don’t even think the depression was a big deal. However, when I’m depressed it sure feels like a big deal. I’ve noticed that when it starts I usually just feel a little anxious about nothing specific, things just seem a little chaotic or out of order. I start to pay attention to little things like a line in a song, or a character in a movie and start to long for different things in my life yet I can’t seem to put my finger on anything specific. What follows is a very difficult time; nothing in the world sounds good to me. I don’t want to go anywhere, listen to anything, eat anything, think about anything, I just don’t want to be. A thought came to me last time as I wondered why do we do it, what’s the point (that is a common theme in my head for some reason) I thought why do people run in a race? It seems to me the goal is to win a prize that makes no real difference. I can’t bring myself to race because it feels like the only reward for me is the conclusion itself.
My mind usually starts to get cluttered, constantly switching channels before I can even really complete the thought or blending my thoughts together until I don’t even remember what I was thinking about. It ultimately leaves me even more confused as to how I feel about anything. Am I the only one who has trouble following a menu all the way through? I mean, I start at the top like all good Americans are taught to do but I never make it very far. I get bored, not really even paying attention to the descriptions I’m reading, so I start to look around the menu at random spots until I realize I wasn’t even paying attention and that I haven’t gotten anywhere with my decision. Typically my wife will just order for me because I can’t decide, I don’t really care, and I don’t typically pick the healthiest things
I get quiet and I don’t feel like doing anything or going anywhere because I can’t even fathom enjoying it. It seems when I’m not depressed and I give in to doing something I am always surprised at how enjoyable it is. When I am depressed it feels like it would be a wasted adventure and I will return home not only wasting money, but my time as well.
In all my thoughts I always end up on one thing; the secret to happiness seems to be a person’s belief in our entire purpose, or the ultimate destination for life. I wonder if people who find a purpose to truly believe in are truly happier? They always seem so enthusiastic and try to convince others of the aforementioned revelation. The only thing I figure is it is based on faith alone, and that which we know to be true does not invoke the passion of something unproven.
Wow, I have ranted way more then I intended to and I still have a great many points (I actually wrote them down because when I feel good I can’t seem to even remember what it was like feeling down). I suppose I will see how y’all react to this and how I feel having put it down and figuratively taken it out of my head.