Just my take on depression....Do you relate?

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I was thinking about starting this with “the names have been changed to protect the innocent” when I realized the whole reason I wanted to write this was because I don’t think there is guilt or blame in depression. I notice so many people won’t talk about depression, or share anything personal in life. Let me start by saying I’m not ashamed of anything in my life. A good friend reminded me recently that “stuff happens, it’s how one deals with stuff when it happens that is a true measure of one’s soul.”

So I found myself terribly depressed the other day and thought that perhaps it would help me, and maybe even someone else, if I tried to document my thoughts and feelings. Too often I will recover from a bout with depression and because I am feeling better I don’t even think the depression was a big deal. However, when I’m depressed it sure feels like a big deal. I’ve noticed that when it starts I usually just feel a little anxious about nothing specific, things just seem a little chaotic or out of order. I start to pay attention to little things like a line in a song, or a character in a movie and start to long for different things in my life yet I can’t seem to put my finger on anything specific. What follows is a very difficult time; nothing in the world sounds good to me. I don’t want to go anywhere, listen to anything, eat anything, think about anything, I just don’t want to be. A thought came to me last time as I wondered why do we do it, what’s the point (that is a common theme in my head for some reason) I thought why do people run in a race? It seems to me the goal is to win a prize that makes no real difference. I can’t bring myself to race because it feels like the only reward for me is the conclusion itself.

My mind usually starts to get cluttered, constantly switching channels before I can even really complete the thought or blending my thoughts together until I don’t even remember what I was thinking about. It ultimately leaves me even more confused as to how I feel about anything. Am I the only one who has trouble following a menu all the way through? I mean, I start at the top like all good Americans are taught to do but I never make it very far. I get bored, not really even paying attention to the descriptions I’m reading, so I start to look around the menu at random spots until I realize I wasn’t even paying attention and that I haven’t gotten anywhere with my decision. Typically my wife will just order for me because I can’t decide, I don’t really care, and I don’t typically pick the healthiest things

I get quiet and I don’t feel like doing anything or going anywhere because I can’t even fathom enjoying it. It seems when I’m not depressed and I give in to doing something I am always surprised at how enjoyable it is. When I am depressed it feels like it would be a wasted adventure and I will return home not only wasting money, but my time as well.

In all my thoughts I always end up on one thing; the secret to happiness seems to be a person’s belief in our entire purpose, or the ultimate destination for life. I wonder if people who find a purpose to truly believe in are truly happier? They always seem so enthusiastic and try to convince others of the aforementioned revelation. The only thing I figure is it is based on faith alone, and that which we know to be true does not invoke the passion of something unproven.

Wow, I have ranted way more then I intended to and I still have a great many points (I actually wrote them down because when I feel good I can’t seem to even remember what it was like feeling down). I suppose I will see how y’all react to this and how I feel having put it down and figuratively taken it out of my head.

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hey Todd! I can relate as if you’d written all about me. I also get depressed and know exactly what you’re talking about. Today, I’m having a good day but they’re not always like this. I especially like the way your depression starts, I’ve never been able to put it into words like that but you are spot on with the way it kinda creeps up on you. I’m not going to tell you it gets better because I reckon you know that already. I’m going to say, it’s ok to feel crappy. Let yourself be sad, or mad, or whatever, you’ve earned the right. Stay well, Debi

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Sorry that you are going through this. And oh yes…Depression IS a Big deal.

I always thought of Life as a place and time for me to grow, learn, believe, fit into society(or not), work, go to college, get married, experience, love, reproduce, enjoy my Family, have Fun, nurture, train, win a million(NOT), love, grow stronger, help People, endure, retire, age, remember and die. And a few things in between. Dust to dust. After that, I go on to my next journey. Basic and ordinary. Which is okay. Other People have their own plans and sometimes amazing expectations. Many fulfill them, many don’t. Stuff happens.

I suffered from Depression many years ago(in my late 20’s and 30’s) but you have some different symptoms than I did. There are of course, different types and degrees of Depression. I had built a wall around myself for protection. I dropped the anti-depressants about 10 years ago. Yes, I can relate.

Funny eh? How you Really don’t want to go somewhere and you are pleasantly surprised that you end up having an enjoyable time and actually feel Glad that you went. I think most People feel the same way sometimes. So, go out often.

People race because they enjoy it. They feel the energy within themselves and they have to let it out this way. It builds their strength, endurance and confidence. Some race for personal reasons and health benefits, some to participate for a club or group that they belong to, some to raise money for charities and other causes and others just because they want that satisfaction of feeling proud to win a trophy or medal and to hear the cheers. It can be addictive.

I think they can be. People who have faith have Hope. People who are gifted create Happiness. People who find purpose find their Way.

Continue to rant whenever you feel like it. It’s Good for the soul. Thanks for sharing your important thoughts and I Hope that you will feel Better.

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Thanks for sharing because it’s true that people usually don’t talk about it…

I really liked the description in the second paragraph…that kind of longing for something different…but not knowing quite what you really want…only that something needs to change (I’m probably injecting some of my own bias in the description)…
the whys of life have been recurring questions for me…particularly why do people keep on living when there can be so much pain/sadness or to me even worse…falling into a kind of routine…where it seems like life is just passing through a series of checkpoints (i.e., college, first job, marriage)

Thanks for sharing and it will be interesting what points you’ll explore further in the future (if you decide to do so)!

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Very articulate Todd
Thanks for sharing your innermost thoghts and feelings
I can understand where you are at,
hang in there and know that your sharing has help others

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Todd,your narative is so much like me ,it isfrightening. I also find it difficult to stay on topic. It seems that I can’t stop thinking It is, as if ,my mind is in over drive-constantly moving. I find it difficult to consitrate due to what I call"racing thoughts".My mind is always on the go.I experience much of what you relayed. I have found relief in medication Effexor an SSRI…The meds have elevated my mood and have helped me get off my behind.I’m more active and that has helped.You didn’t mention in you account if you are on meds or if you are receiving Psyciatric/Psychological care. Depression is a real illness,one I was unable to manage by myself. It is similar to Diabetes,I needed the assistance of a professional and meds,insulin. Please reply to this ,as I’m concerned. Looking forward to your response. Pete

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Hey all, sorry I haven’t responded sooner. It has been one of those weeks… Peter thank you so much for bringing that up about med.s and help. I am going to write another blog about that actually…I am glad to hear that I am not alone in this and definitely want to hear more about you guys too, so please keep commenting on my blogs!! I hope you are all having a good weekend.