Love and Diabetes

I feel the goal is just out of my reach? It’s been a long few weeks while I continue to improve my life as a type 1 diabetic, yet simple things have such huge effects. My wife of 13 years finds it hard to believe that by working together we can have a happy life with my disease. she is a very strong minded Influential personality and a Non-Linear thinker where I am a Direct personality, Linear thinker and a type-1 diabetic for 25 years. we are struggling to stay together with 3 young children 7,8 and 11. My A1C is 6.5 but I have too many lows after too many unplanned highs from over compensating with quick insulin. 25 years with no typical diabetic disabilities; feet are in great shape, eyes good, kidneys ok, etc......

Yet I can't help my wife feel less worried every time I eat; ever time we go out to a family party and I have too many nibbles on snake foods; every time we go out with friends and I have a drink. I want to feel normal like every one of our friends. God; how can alcoholism or drug addiction be worse then this? Please tell me i'm not crazy!

August I rode the Make-a-Wish 300 mile bike ride. Three days, 100 miles each pulling my teammates at 20 mph into the wind or over every hill; what a rush knowing I’m more then human like Captain America or Thor! Last April I completed my 2nd marathon in Knoxville TN. Four hours 25 min; 26.2 miles plus 5210 feet vertical assent. I know I will not last for forever but I came to tears while crossing the finish line knowing I’m not suppose to be there. I'm supposed to be half blind or on crunches but I’m not; I’m just a guy with a disease.

Today I not only counted every carb but I planned the carbs for the entire day. I never believed it would be better then running. it was poetic! sugars stayed below 150 and not uncontrolled lows. All this without exercise. yet my wife doesn’t believe the data or my excitement that I can improve the control of highs and lows.

she came home today from a weekend at her parents where she opened their mailbox to find a letter from the Gerber Life Insurance company addressed to her in her maiden name. she askes herself if this is a sign? She receives this letter the only day she spends the night back home; “it must be” she thinks. WTF I'm not a Captain or a God , I’m scared of loosing my wife and I’m a type-1 Diabetic.

Sweetie, I am not married nor ever have been, but I understand your frustration and dissappointment . You are doing thre best you can with your diabetes, and it sounds to me that you do no thik that your wife can neither understand noir appreciate how much you are doing to "improve the control of highs and lows"..Is she feeling burn-out from being the wife of a Type one? Surely she knew you were diabtic prior to your marriage? And you have been married for 13 years with three young kids? Maybe her burn-out does not have to do with the iabetes, but with the marriage in general, it sounds to me. I suggest marriage counseling. I do not know directly the differences between linear and non-linear thibnkers, so I cannot comment how that would impact your individual communication styles. Please explain further.. At any rate. I suggest again that you seek marriage counseling, ASAP. Is it that you cannot talk to your wife about what is really pushing the two of you apart? Perhaps a professional can aid that process. I know you want to save your marriage and keep your family together..You have worked hard on taking care of the diabetes issues with great results..Now it is time for the two of you to work TOGETHER AS YOU SAID, TO WORK ON THE MARRIAGE ISSUES,whether they have to be about diabetes and/or other points of unspoken contention. Praying for you, Wayne

God Bless,

Hi Wayne, having just read minimal info about you and your wife, i can only offer up my initial impression based on dealing with my son with D and with being married about the same amount of years as you. First I feel your wife needs to back way of from your diabetes and only think of you as her husband. As a mom of a teen with diabetes we are working towards this, he wants more independence, i worry, he needs to own this i will be there still helping for a few more years but he must own it, and for him or you to be always thinking there is someone worrying about me there is someone checking on me ect is a bad thing... there is a difference between supporting and hovering not trusting. No offense but this is your issue you can control it and just be her husband not her diabetic husband. and as far as marriage goes it is hard work! i have been out the door many times in my head but still strongly feel my kids need security and stability. my marriage is good at times and bad at times, but we have a history and are parents and partners and are trying to figure this complex relationship out. we all have expectations of what marriage should be and it never lives up to that! as long as there is still feelings, some semblance of respect, and no huge hurts that can not be healed i would say move forward with love. ask her if she trusts you and ask her to prove this by stepping back from your diabetes management. from a womans perspective we want to know that you love us, still want to be the princess up on a pedestal, believe me if you put her there she will ask you to join her! best of luck! amy

Thank you Amy and Brunetta. I'm glad to see there could be a light at the end of the tunnel. Brunetta; we are both seeing a physiologist but they are not from the same office. She sees her's today for the 2nd time. Me, I've seen a physiologist in the past and re-visited her last week. for all the issues between us it has been me try to improve. now she's looking at herself. I think it scares her.

Princess on a Pedestal - I went running this morning to let out frustrations. how she is causing so much stress in our lives. I finished reminding myself there is no good in being pissy about the situation; it would give her more to dwell on. keep building the pedestal.
she believes departing now is an option for her. she thinks if her mom left her dad when she had a chance she would be in a better relationship, her mother is ailing and father is frustrated so tension is high at home. My wife thinks there might be another out there where struggling, reminding them to watch what they eat, working at it a marriage would be easier. No one told me marriage would be easy. I believed she would always be there to working together to let us grow old. I'm still here to lift her up when let's me. Wayne

Hi wayne, with more info, i am still confused. is her biggest issue that she thinks she can do better because you have diabetes? obviously you have done a great job over the years maintaining good control. in anycase i truly hope there is more to this than that. if that is really the issue maybe the case is you could do better! for your kids sakes i hope you can get though your issues. life really is complicated but underneath it all there is a calm contentment where you meet your true self and the 'right' answer to a problem meets you when you can get to that place, since i dont see you as the budhism/yoga type i hope you can meet yourself and your answers while you are running, best wishes! amy

Hi Wayne. It sounds like you're going through so tough times... electronic hugs, if that helps. I'm with Brunetta on this one; it sounds like your wife is having issues with the marriage rather than your diabetes. She knew what said was saying "I do." to in the first place, and she's chosen to make a family with you. Maybe she's unhappy now, but I think it goes deeper than your condition. Sadly, the diabetes is just an easy target. You don't have a history of bad control and giving her cause for worry do you? If you're working hard to take care of yourself, why would it suddenly become a problem now? I think marriage counselling is a good idea, even if you're both seeing psychologists separately (I'm guessing you meant "psychologist" rather than "psysiologist"? or did you mean "psychiatrist"?) Regardless of what you meant, a marriage counsellor is a different thing altogether, and may be helpful. She'll help you communicate with one-another and determine where the problems really lie. Good luck. I hope you re-find your happiness and the romance you had when you first married.

Thank you Amy, and Boulderbird. Tonight she came home from her 2nd appointment with the Whatever they talked about the wind form her "Advertisement letter in the mailbox" sign is missing. A lot more rational today. I made it thru the day ok. I think the stress caused my sugar levels to rocket all day. I need to look into the marriage counselor to be ready for that phase.

Day by Day Wayne

day by day is best, it is all we can do anyways, keep up with the exercise it will help keep your head clear! connecting with your children helps too, believe it or not getting a dog and now a cat has brought alot more love into my house, for the children and adults! on a personal note just had a great day off with my hubby it is possible to fall in love again and reconnect with all that brought you together if both parties are willing, life is a dance as the song goes, best wishes amy

Jacob's mom has a good point: take it day by day. Do your best for now not to let the stress have a negative impact on your health. I know that's easier said than done, but you might be on an emotional roller-coaster as you two sort things out with one-another. Keep yourself healthy as best you're able, and again, I hope things work out for the best.

Today was good, except for sugar levels which rose to 200mg/dL as soon as I got up. Stay that there with all the carb counting and injections until I went to the Pool and worked them back down. seems that stress from work isn't helping either.
I Read another blog here on Tudiabetes of someone kicking Diabetes ■■■. it was inspiring when she said "if you don’t tell yourself “it’s going to be annoying to cater to your diabetes” IT’S NOT GOING TO BE ANNOYING TO CATER TO YOUR DIABETES!!!" I love it.
On that positive note I remember to inject quick insulin 15 to min before I eat. I tried it a dinner and for a late snack, so far so good.
Back to my marriage - it was a good day too. This morning she made a Joke about me and the Shirt I wore to work to the kids. Apparently I need to wear more t-shirts under my dress shirts so a nipp doesn't show through. 20 years in dress shirts and I never thought of that. I enjoyed the laugh.
Day by Day

I'm so happy to know you had a good day, Wayne. I read that blog post and I liked the author's attitude. It was like a more rosey version of "suck it up, sunshine" ;-) It reminds me of how often I've been given that message that if you can't change the world, change yourself. Keep joking with your wife and try to recreate some of the best times you've had together and keep taking the best care of yourself that you can. Keep us posted, and remember you have people to talk with.

OK, Met with my Diabetes DR today with my wife and guess what; I lost one inch of height since I met her 15 years ago. There were a few jokes directed at me after we realized this. Why do they need my height at each checkup? Oh well.

quick update, A1c @ 7.8, higher then I expected but i expect it will improve with the new carb counting I’ve adopted. Also, today’s sugars where great; all readings under 100 and above 60 until dinner. Dr describes how stress will cause glucagon release and higher blood sugars. That's it I'm looking for a new job!

Some different opinions between my wife and I on the feedback from doc. Lesson learned; be more descriptive when answering questions so that the harsh truth is revealed. I am labeled as someone who shadows the truth when answering questions with the DR so I get a stamp of approval from him. I’m glad she was there to recall more low sugar episodes then I divulged. Lesson learned for next time I hope.

All in all a good day. See you tomorrow.
Day by Day

glad it went well at the docs, does your endo download your meter results? if so then the data is right there. no need to hide any details i think it is hard to recall how many highs and lows without records, jacob is on a pump so that is all downloaded at visits, but i still keep an old fashioned log to see trends and to keep us all on track about what is going on from day to day. how old were you when you were diag. wayne? jacob was 10 now 14, he is taking on more responsibility, which is good and sometimes worrisome but he is mature and responsible so i am proud of him all around. glad things are going ok with your wife. obviously a mother/child wife/husband relationship is very different in dealing with D, but i hope your wife truly supports you and recognized the challenges you face that she really has no clue what is like to experience D first hand, as my son loves to remind me when i say "i know, i understand..." i just sense some struggle there the fine line between control and support but maybe it is just me and the issues i am dealing with with jacob. hang in! amy

Delighted to hear your wife is keeping you honest ;-)