My Darling Saboteur

I love my husband. And I know he loves me. But he is a saboteur. To sabotage is to deliberately destroy, damage or obstruct. OK - so most of the time he claims he is making an innocent gesture and not a deliberate act of obstruction. But he destroys my willpower, damages my carb counts and obstructs my A1C goals.

But why do people hand you a piece of pie and say, “don’t worry, its just a little piece.” Why can’t he understand I’ve already done the math and made a decision and the answer is no. “Go ahead, it won’t hurt” really does hurt. Because I’m human and you don’t know how much sometimes I want to eat that pie. “What’s a little pie between friends, I won’t tell.” My conscience already knows!

Couldn’t he keep his cookies and chips and pie on a shelf behind closed doors instead of it sitting on the counter calling my name? And baby it knows my name and how to spell it (f-o-o-l). But he forgets. And he’s never had hips. I really think that he doesn’t think like I do.

So I’ve learned what every other mother of four can do - tune it out. And we have our little talks about what every diabetic family should know. And he slices another piece of pie. Al’a mode.

And when I finally tune it out there’s good old Catholic Guilt. Yep, in capital letters. He comes home with something fresh baked and says, “but I bought it just for you.” Yikes! Its not just dripping with icing, but with guilt! I can’t turn it down and hurt his feelings. My mind says no but my willpower says claim PMS and have at that chocolate! Have you ever said thank you and quietly thrown it away. I have. I feel badly just thinking about it.

My darling saboteur. You make me crazy. Even though I love you I just have to also love myself and say no.

I’d feel unsupported & downright upset to be tempted as you are. I’d feel like my husband didn’t care or understand if he offered me things he knows I shouldn’t eat.

Just curious Marcia - have you ever let your darling saboteur know how you feel? I mean, if you printed out what you wrote above, would he understand? I know with my hubby in the early stages of dating, he didn’t know too much about diabetes, he thought he was doing a good thing with buying chocolates (Belgium yum). Of course, I’m only human, and I’d say … only 1 … then 2 … then the box would be gone (this is usually after he’d left to go home - as we lived 2 hours apart). He now know better, tho’ he sometimes forgets, but he’s much better. Anyway, my point here is, I would write to him and tell him my feelings, and it helped us to understand each other better. Just try to be strong, don’t feel too guilty when you do slip up abit (heck who doesn’t).
Okay - gotta run - otherwise I’ll have no energy for work tomorrow!

My Dear Hubby hasn’t been the saboteur, he tries really hard to keep the evil carbs from entering the home. He travels for business 3-4 days a week and eats his fill of whoopie pies and pasta while he’s gone. When he’s home, he eats with me and turns away the goodies. . .even when I wish for just one bite. He’s even given away food to our daughters because he assumed the carbs were too high. . . BUT I CAN EAT HUMMUS! ha ha Hang in there, make sure to let your needs be known so neither of you end up resentful. He seems to think of you often. . tell him you’d prefer diamonds! They don’t effect your BG and they make you glow!

Mine is the same way. Along with my bad eyes from premature birth and my diabetes for which I’d like to have understanding and ‘hand-holding’, he is ADHD and I will say a bit ‘learning disabled’. I can’t tell him all the why’s and wherefores, I have to speak “Martian” to him: “Hey, this is what I have to do. You got any idea of how to do this with me?” (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus)

His family is pretty mucked up and in his eyes, he is a ‘nurturer’ with food. He weighs in at about 338 at 6’3". So, I have fairly much given up on getting NORMAL support from him. He doesn’t get me chocolates anymore because I lied to him saying I really don’t care for those anymore. “Maybe my age or something, but dangit, I love fruits and this is my favourite cereal…” He gets those now for me.

We have to be the adults now, and make them think it is their idea to get up ‘treats’ which are also good for us by making a to-do over them when they bring us the good things and less so for the bad stuff. I don’t look at the bakery window and lament, We get to the store and I grab the right foods saying “I like these”. He’s getting it now,

Play this like you’re dealing with a youngster. Sounds crazy, but it works. Guys like to FIX THINGS. They like to SOLVE PROBLEMS. All the ‘warm-fuzzy’ convos are almost wasted on them, so I’ve had to learn to speak Martian to the male in my life :slight_smile:

O wow I always had the notion that family support is always number 1 in the D life. As a single guy I always imagine that my future wifey would only be if she understood what it meant to spend the rest of her life with a diabetic, being a support structure and not a saboteur. I echo the sentiment of others, please let him know what he is doing, diabetes is such a tough disease to deal with without the added daily pressures caused by loved ones.

I guess he might be trying to assuage his own feelings of guilty pleasure. I see this behaviour in my workplace where people bring in biscuits and cakes that they look at with a guilty eye as if to say “Should I?” because they feel that feigning a refusal is what’s called for when all along the real answer is “Of course I should”. I add to their guilty pleasure – my sweet revenge – because they know I never partake unless hypo. Like you Marcia, I’ve done the maths, I’ve done the injections and I haven’t got time for an iced bun fiasco :wink:

You all are awesome. Its always nice to know you aren’t in the boat alone. Part of the problem is that my husband is a cancer survivor and needs to eat to get his weight back, doesn’t like to eat alone so there I am. Part of the problem is that he has never had to worry about eating (pants 34/36) so he just doesn’t think. He’s great at going with me to the doctor, running to the pharmacy, researching online for me – but he just doesn’t get the “pie” issue. He read once that angel food cake was a good sweet for diabetics so he buys it all the time – I don’t care for angel food cake. Oh well. Do we talk? Oh gosh yes. As only a married couple of 28 years can talk, talk, talk. I’m Sicilian so trust me I talk. You all gave me more to think about – thank you!

Stephen’s comment reminded me of my old college roommate. Haven’t thought about her in ages. When she was on a diet, she’d bring me fattening food wanting to watch me eat. Vicarious thrills. When she wasn’t on a diet, she’d urged me to eat whatever she was eating so I’d be her partner in crime. It was twisted. When she brought me food offerings over my protests, I threw them out. Made her angry & she’d be nasty to me, but was the only way to make her understand. Sorry for the tangent & just an example of an unhealthy attitude about food that can effect more than the individual with the food problem.

My mother-in-law tries to get me to have “just a little so I won’t feel deprived.” I had to be quite direct by telling her–I don’t want it, I choose not to eat certain things, I don’t feel deprived, & why do you want me to have high BG & get sick? Would these people be offering a cocktail to an alcoholic?

Hope you can get across to your husband that tempting you isn’t good for your health or emotional well-being.

Your mother-in-law story reminded me of one of my co-workers. She came to the building and started baking a big birthday cake for every teacher. Even after my no thank you – When my turn came, she baked it, brought it and kept stopping by my room to ask me why I didn’t cut it so everyone could have some. I had to get quite direct, too. I felt totally MEAN!! But she wouldn’t listen to nice. I have so been-there-done-that!

I loved your tangent! Thank you!

What’s your co-worker’s name because she may be my mother-in-law:) They force us to be really direct, since they won’t take no thank-you for an answer, get their feelings hurt & then we feel like guilty. Classic passive/aggressive behavior & one of the hardest personalities to deal with.