I think ive had this for about 4/5 years now, i;m down to 65kg in weight but its not low enough, i know i probably sound like a mad person, who would risk their life to be skinny? at the end of the day you probs think im nutty unless your going through it. Its like you have two personalities, one side of me knows whats going to happen, but the other half cant stop, its ruining my school work and ultimately, my life. Today im in a i want to be normal again moods, and im going to post on here everyday my changes including weight, if i;ve injected everything because i do want to be noraml, but ii want to be thin. I'm even lying to my boyfriend. the person im meant to be able to tell everything too. i dont know whether he knows im not injecting again i guess he does deep down but he hasnt come out and said it :/, i dont want to die, of course i dont, but i dont want to be fat either. i go to a school where image means everything, how many friends you have is dependant on the way you look, sometimes i wake up and its like, yeh i look ice today and i go to school, and the minute someone looks at me in a non normal way i feel like im being judgded, like they are thinking, whos that fat girl, what the hell is she wearing and why did she think she looked any good in it?
Diabulimia isnt classed as an illness over here in the UK and i would love to know why, millions of people are going through it, doing what i am, i want to talk to someone who knows how it feels, sometimes i think, i cant wait to go to uni and then i can do what i like, eat what i want and inject when i want, but i dont want to die but i feel like thats never going to happen, but what if it does? what if this kills me and i never get to see my kids or grandkids grow up? what happens if i cant have children because of this, but then i think, no that wont happen to you, but what if it doeS? this is what goes on in my head, and if anybody is reading this they probably think i am a nut job but i just need someone to be able to understand and know what im going through, this is living hell but i still put on a happy smily energetic expression even when i want to die inside.
My name is Jacq and I run diabetics with eating disorders a new charity based in the UK aiming to help support those with diabetes and eating disorders. Are you on facebook? we have a great group there under diabulimia awareness. Please join, the group was a life line to me when I was in your situation. If you don’t mind me asking, where about in the UK do you live as I work voluntarily as an out reach worker and would be more than willing to come and see you if you live in a commutable area.
also - here is a petition for the deliberate manipulation and/ or omission of insulin to be recognised as a diagnosable eating disorder http://petitions.tigweb.org/DIMO
Oh I only heard of diabulimia and when I remember about complaining about hypos or highs I feel guilty because you have it worse.Well done you for all your hardwork of getting it out in the open and helping people like me understand something that I never knw about.
Your beautiful and should not care what ppl say or think about you because those that matter love you for who you are and those that dont matter they just want to bring you down.
xxxx
Please check out LeeAnn’s page here on Tu. She has suffered from diabulimia and is now a therapist. Check out her blog at www.thebuttercompartment.com as well.
I just wanted to let you know that you are certainly not ‘nutty’ and moreover you are not alone. Just 2 years ago I had an HbA1c of 16, had retinopathy, neuropathy and suspected gastroperisis I had been in hospital in DKA more times than I could count. I finally found a cognitive behavioural therapist who specialised in diabetics who manipulated insulin and since then my A1c has more than halved and I have reversed every single complication that I had. It is possible, you just need to make sure that you get the right help and have the right support. God knows diabetes can me a nightmare to deal with as it is so it’s no wonder that a lot of us (many more than you may think) develop other psuchological issues. This having been said just because it’s common doesn’t mean that it’s safe. The process of skipping or manipulating insulin, will in some cases lead to death. One of the communtiy died 2 weeks ago aged 28.
If you really think ’ this wont happen to me I would recommend that you join our community on Facebook
What I will say is that the quicker you can nip this in the bud the less chance you have of developing complications. Please get help now. If you want to talkt to me privately you can reach me through the facebook group - I am Jacqueline Allan. Or you can email me on diabeticswitheatingdisorders@googlemail.com
Hi Holly! I just wanted to say thanks for being so brave and sharing your story. You may have already helped countless people who read it. I will be following your daily blogs. So keep us posted on how you are doing!
I didnt even know this existed for real! I thought I was a freak, I’ve been doing this for ages and didnt realise i am not the only one. I am obsessed with my weight and have landed in hospital because of this. I lost 25 kilos a couple of years ago, but I have put on 10 again and all I can think is that it’s because of the insulin. It’s horrible feeling like you’re fat, i know.
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You aren’t nutty hon, you’re really brave, hey admitting it it the first step isn’t it?
If you’re here in the UK, you need to ask your specialist/gp/DSN for help, a referral to a psychologist, (I see one every month, sometimes bi-weekly). Diabeticguineapig has some good advice and as much support in nipping this in the bud ASAP is a great idea.
