My life with diabulimia 14/12/2010

Okay so been a lomg while since ive blogged but todays a big day so i thought i sorta need to do it. By writing this im not pro ed, but i have one, yes some people may think i can do somethign about it, but its not as simple as that when your national health service doesnt yet see it as an illness. I dont write this for anyone else, i write it because i can be completely hoenst about my feelings and thought and to show other people they're not alone and i know what it feels like. Right sorry the big day thing is its been a year today since i was admitted with severe DKA and well died more or less, brain swelling, sicking up acid, pH of blood 0.1 away from killing my cells. And itas strange a part of me thinks ive failed because im nto back ther, i want to be back there, and my brain has now decidede that the aim is to get there. Got to the stage of tasting nail polish remover in my mouth today which i was secretlyt jolly about, ive noticed the weight going more now, feel my spine and hips and wrists more, and noticed it in my face, clothes are slowly getting much bigger but with xmas coming up soon i may have to behave a bit more, lowe but ill try and get round it i guess. the harming is back more as well but im dealing with it. To other people if you chose to read this i bet i sound like a right nutcase, which tbh if i was reading this i would agree but to myself this is perfectly normal, i didnt chose this but i guess that was from the years of being overweight and wanting to be like everybody else so im slowly getting there, but not quite happy yet but im trying. phil hasnt noticed, he knows im struggling i think but doesnt know what to say anymore, i know its hard for him, and sometimes i think that he would be better off with someone else, someone with not half the problems i have but, selfish i know but i love him to pieces and i dont think i could let him go, hes always been so sweet. Oh also didnt say i got a job at a department store JL just for christmas but its great and can deffo notice the weight loss in the dress i bought in september last year, its great. I feel a bit like a half dia atm because sometimes i give in and inject but i guess when i go to uni i can do what i want, go to the gym more, etc etc etc. The first thing to go when i get to uni is lunch and breakfast, what a waste of time ( well for me anyways.) Thank god the doctors at clinic arnt making me see Dot anymore cuz that was a ridiculous waste of time, also last 3 times think ive refused to be weighed at clinic, i said to the nurse ' can i not be weighed today please' to which she said that i would have to ask my specialist nurse so i asked and said that i needed to be, but i respondede with 'well im not getting on the scales so no, im not being weighed' im sorry but there is no actual point in them weighing me, its nothing the hell to do with them, i cant wait until im 18 and i dont have to go anymore because tbh there isnt much they can do about it is there! and i cant be admitted to the local mental hospital place because im not thin enough, brilliant haha, sorry this has been a bit long and rambling as per usual but hadnt been on in a while.

Holly, I am struggling with diabulimia as well. I went into treatment though...although I'm starting to go down the same path again. They still admitted me even though I wasn't underweight. It sounds as though you don't want to get better. Why is that? I found that you can eat a reasonable meal plan, take insulin and still lose weight. I know it's easier said than done. And there is always that voice there telling you how easy it is to manipulate your insulin and lose weight, but is it really worth it? If you ever want to talk to someone who understands, just message me. And you're not nuts, I feel a lot of what you do and it's hard to stop. Stay strong girl and let me know if you need anything.

glad you are still here. sorry for your troubles and you've got a lot on your plate. please check in w/ the diabulima group here think they can help you

Your pain and loneliness lept off the page at me. Try to find someone you can talk with that won't judge you. Perhaps if your in an urban area, a support group. You are not alone, you just have to be strong enough to reach out and grab on to some support. My heart goes out to you.