Newly pregnant and scared :(

[Mentha_piperita5]

Hi Ladies (mostly),
I’m looking to vent and get some virtual support if anyone has any to offer…

I found out I was pregnant about a week and a half ago (now about five weeks clinical, I guess) and even though my husband and I had been trying… all I have felt since is a cocktail of terror, despair, and disgust.

It wouldn’t be fair to say my husband “pressured” me in to this, but in a way that’s true because he wanted this so badly and felt “ready” for so long… and I want him to be happy. I’m wondering now if I did not kid myself when I decided I was ready… and am considering broaching the topic of termination with my husband, because a child should not have a mother who’s as much of a basket case as I am right now.

I’m afraid that the strain of a pregnancy with type I diabetes and Hashimoto’s will harm me and further decrease my life expectancy. I’m afraid of the constant monitoring, invasion of privacy, clinical environment, and lack of control I’ll be exposed to during a high-risk pregnancy. If I could just go through pregnancy and delivery in a cave somewhere I’d prefer that.

I’m also afraid and horrified by the very thought of the change and mutilation of my body as a result of pregnancy, in fact (I know some women regard the process as beautiful and magical, but right now I can only regard it as being akin to a tumor or parasite growing inside me to stretch me out of shape).

I have had excellent control since diagnosis six years ago (A1C always below 5.4) and my endo is great, (pre-warned I was trying for pregnancy and on top of the thyroid dose adjustment stuff…), and I’ve got no complications, but… I still can’t shake the feeling I’m making a terrible, irreversible mistake.

Further infuriated by the fact that my HMO says it has not available prenatal intake appointments and will have to “get back to me if there are any cancellations,” despite the high risk nature.

So I… I don’t know. Anyone experience this, even if you were trying? Did the feeling go away? Could I chalk it up to pregnancy hormones?

Thoughts and personal experiences appreciated…

[JustLookin]

Hon. This is a normal reaction. Don’t do anything yet. Sounds like you are in a very good position to go ahead with this body wise. I have had 2 diabetic pregnancies and am also hypothyroid. It was hard work but totally manageable in terms of both of these. Diabetes didn’t automatically mean high intervention or cs - though they may monitor you a.bit more closely.

Yes, your body changes but this is mostly reversible and you’re going to get that with ageing eventually anyway.

In my case yes, pregnancy had fear and anxiety. It also had so much joy and wonder. I got 2 incredible girls. Otay of my decision to have kids was that I know when i am old i would regret if i didn’t.

Wait. Calm down. This is something you and your husband had both wanted though the current realness of it has you temporarily blindsided. Read. Learn. Hugs to you.

[busybee]

Hi @Mentha_piperita5,

I want you to know a little about me before I share some advice.
I was diagnosed almost 4 years ago with type 1 and Hashimotos. I am on my 4th pregnancy, which is my 2nd type 1 pregnancy. I had 2 babies before I was diabetic but I was gestational diabetic with both. So i have had somewhat “normal” pregnancies and high risk pregnancies. I have a lot of experience with pregnancy, labor, and delivery. I have had a miscarriage and I know the pain it causes. There is no difference between a labeled “normal” pregnancy and a “high risk” one. Doctors get up in your grill no matter what, with a high risk one you just have to see the doctor more and get more ultrasounds, etc.
I have had great control during pregnancy, I’m 34 weeks now. My a1c has been 5.9 during this whole pregnancy. Could it be better, yes, but its good. My last pregnancy was 5.7-5.9. All my babies that are born, are all healthy.
You have a lot of hormones and feelings right now, some are completely irrational and some are rational. You are scared and terrified and I do understand that because I’ve been there. I know how hopeless/helpless you feel but its so possible to have a “normal” pregnancy even with diabetes and Hashimotos. Many, many women on this forum have had normal, healthy pregnancies but are labeled high risk because of their conditions. You need to compare your feelings to actual facts and what has happened and what can happen.
With my first T1 pregnancy, I had to make 4 or 5 synthroid meds adjustments. The adjustments are normal. With this pregnancy, none at all! My thyroid has been so normal its a blessing.

It is normal to feel scared, afraid, out of control, let me tell you, if you want to eventually become a parent though, you will need to experience all these things because you will anyway with a child. You will lose your privacy, you will lose your control, honestly, being a parent doesn’t come with an instruction manual. Yes, the doctors are a lot, but I have learned to become more assertive and a grown up more than I was before. My doctors respect my opinions because I’m so well researched. Speaking from experience on this, you need to go through this anyway to grow and become a better person and parent. You are diabetic, its a high risk pregnancy, but only you can let it be just a label. I’m dang better than most nondiabetic pregnant women and I’m proud of that!
Your circumstances are perfect for pregnancy and you may not feel ready, but most people are afraid and thats what it means to do something couragous- you do it scared and learn as you go.

Its normal for women to feel resentful of their husbands/S.O.'s because their body is changing and its out of control. If men were pregnant, they would probably feel the same way. Your husband may feel more ready than you but that doesn’t mean he won’t learn a lot. I have learned that its way more important for me as a diabetic/wife, etc to communicate the things going on inside of me to my husband because he doesn’t have a clue. People cannot read minds. I’ve shared things like this with my husband before, calmly and he understood.

If you’ve been trying to have a baby, you willingly chose this. Its a life changing decision and the weight of that decision is coming to pass, I think thats why you feel like this. Its scary, but I don’t think you want to terminate this child. Its a child, it has life, even at 5 weeks. It has a heartbeat, its alive. The pain and anguish you feel if you were to terminate the child, would be more overwhelming than your feelings now. I had a miscarriage and it was incredibly painful. You think you feel emotional now, its a tidal wave of emotional pain. Even though a miscarriage wasn’t my fault, I felt like it was. If you willingly decide to terminate you will feel much worse.
Listen, pregnancy, labor, delivery, its gross, painful, and a lot of hard work. It prepares you for that wonderful, beautiful child that comes afterward. Thats why its hard work, thats why it takes 9 months to grow and have a baby. A baby, is hard work but there is nothing else so worth it in the world. You need to understand that you feel a certain way now, but it will change. I felt many things were important before I had kids, all that changed after I held my first child. It really changed a lot during pregnancy too.

As for the insurance thing, if its not this, believe me, as a diabetic, it will be something else you will have to fight them on. Frankly, I’m a little shocked they care so little for something so important such as prenatal care but you need to stand up and fight it. You need to become a ball buster. You can do this! You are awesome and have done so well thus far.
Life is hard, but its the hardness that pushes us to greater character. We all need to be pushed because most of us won’t do it ourselves on our clock. Thats why many people say, “Its never a good time to have kids.” If we don’t feel somewhat nudged into it, we would never do it.

Please do not sacrifice this beautiful baby for your potentially selfish feelings in the now. I know many woman who have had abortions and not one would do it over again given the chance. All of those woman remember their babies and celebrate their birthdays.

I encourage you to talk to your husband and be honest about how scared you are. Make decisions together.
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me or anyone else. You aren’t alone, not on this forum, and there is plenty of help here.
You are in my thoughts and prayers,

Busybee

[Mentha_piperita5]

I very much appreciate the kindness meant in both your replies.

Especially, because I do doubt the permanence and stability of my emotions right now, I’m trying to base my actions upon the soundest data and best, rational criteria I have. But that is a difficult thing to do with so many unknown factors. I don’t know how negatively this will affect my long-term health, nor do I know how much happiness a child might bring me in the long term. So I do not know which to weigh more heavily. Both of these factors are selfish, and I certainly regard having children at all as a “selfish” act (which is not to say “bad”), because it is done to bring joy to one’s life or, on a biological level, an instinct to promote one’s own genes–not as an altuistic act. I’m not sure that I’ve experienced more happiness than misery in life (had plenty of both), so I’m really not sure whether I’m glad that I was born.

My decision to have children in the first place was based on the feeling that I would regret not having children as a bored retiree, perhaps a bit like you said, JustLookin, and that adult children might be interesting to talk to, not out of any interest in small children. I despise small children. My husband has committed to being the primary care-giver. Those positives seem very far-removed now, though, with this immediate threat to my well-being.

I suppose I must trust that I was thinking clearly when I decided to start trying, but I am still stuck with the fact that I regard the pen tip sized trilaminar embryo, which lacks a head, let alone a functioning brain, as an invasive parasite that might damage my kidneys, eyes, teeth, and most worryingly according to current data, my CV system. And I worry that is the way I will feel about it when and if it matures into a functioning human, and is born. This would not create a very happy home for a child.

I have yet to meet a parent that admits to hating their children though, so despite what I feel, I’ll probably change my mind too. But I can’t know for sure.

Thank you again for your replies.

[swisschocolate]

Hi there!
No kids here, but i just wanna address this fear of yours of not loving your child. @busybee and @JustLookin have both said this won’t happen, but lets imagine your fear becomes real and you won’t be as affectionate towards your kid as other moms might be.
I dont see this as a problem. there are as many different kinds of parenting styles out there as there are parents, and each of them shares the workload differently. So many kids grow up happily in single parented households, others grow up with parents not there because they are at work, etc. Each way of parenting is different, and each one is fine.
You already mentioned that your husband will be the main caregiver, and you will bring your side to it. Be this what you can give. And believe me, the way you contemplate about this and worry already, you have a lot to give. It might not be what a “classical” mother (what is this term anyways, lol) will give, but you have a lot to give, and your child will be better for it. As will your husband.
Society sometimes puts this huge weight on mothers shoulders of being those perfect, children and housework loving women, but mothers are so much more than that. If a father had those thoughts you had, it would be perfectly fine. Because the child has the mother who will take care of him/her. So why not be ok with your feelings too? I bet you are going to be an awesome mom, be it in your own way
Just some slightly feminist ideas
hugs, you are gonna rock this!!!

[JustLookin]

Hi,

Agree took everything the others said. You said you despise small children. You know you don’t need or have to love it. Just tolerate it. They turn into real people amazingly quickly. Sounds like your husband has your back on this anyway.

Regarding the not getting to a prenatal appointment soon, i don’t see that as a big problem. As long add your endo is on top of things blood sugar wise and thyroid wise, there is nothing an obegyn can add or do in the early months.

There is no rush to do anything.

I have had 2 diabetic pregnancies (at 38-39, and 41-42) and i was considered both geriatric (gotta love their terminology) and high risk. However i had excellent control throughout and i have no complications or worsening of health at all. My sister has had 5 kids and she is still slim and looks fantastic.

I think you are not the person who will let herself go and gain heaps of weight while pregnant. You will be ok. Keep talking to us. Take your time on this. It’s ok to have these feelings.

[KellyRara]

Both of my pregnancies have been unplanned and I started with an A1C in the low six range both times. Pregnancy and diabetes is stressful, just ask my doctor who I lost it on 2 months ago with crybaby tears.

My advice is don’t worry until there is something to worry about. I have heard so many success stories that delivering a healthy baby is more likely the norm than the exception.

Regarding getting in to see high risk OB, I wasn’t seen until 8-9 weeks with a regular OB with both pregnancies. My experience is the OBs haven’t worried about me too much as long as my BG and A1C is good. I was actually surprised the first time but love the freedom this time around because it’s less appointments for me to schedule. I’m at the point now where I go for testing twice a week even though everything baby related has been perfect. I see a MFM along with my OB.

Go day by day with your BG management you will most likely be ok.

[yourhanner]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this - it sounds very emotionally difficult. I think you should talk about it with your husband. There’s no reason to feel alone, especially when having a kid and being in a relationship already requires a lot of partnership. One other thought is that perhaps talking to a counselor or therapist would be helpful to you. You’re experiencing big, overwhelming emotions. Some of that could be pregnancy hormones, but it also sounds like you are pretty terrified. Talking to somebody can help work through all that.

I have no advice on what you should do - only that I am going through a high risk pregnancy myself right now. It’s honestly not bad - the high risk doctor just means that you get more ultrasounds and more screening. I have personally enjoyed the extra chances to see the baby that many pregnant women don’t get. As to loss of privacy - that happens in any pregnancy, no matter what. I suppose you just get used to it.

Your insurance provider says that they don’t have appointments? I don’t quite understand that. Do you mean your OBGYN office? In any case, you probably need to find a high risk provider, as well - call and ask when they do intake. For me, it wasn’t until 8 weeks. Most won’t take you as soon as you know.

Good luck to you - I hope you find some comfort!

[Melissa_Lee]

First of all, you’re going to be okay and I’m glad you reached out to our community of people who have been through pregnancy with type 1 diabetes. I joined TuDiabetes in 2008 because I dreamed of getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy. I did. Twice. And we just celebrated their 6th and 4th birthdays this week.

A pregnancy with type 1, when you’re under good care and monitoring yourself with frequent BG checks, should produce the same level of risk as someone without diabetes. We thankfully don’t live in the dark ages of Steel Magnolias territory (which I always like to remind people was a movie based on an older play based on events that had happened much earlier than depicted). Women with type 1 have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies every single day. I’ve met thousands of them online. I encourage you to look into Cheryl Alkon’s book “Balancing Pregnancy and Pre-Existing Diabetes: Healthy Mom, Healthy Baby” on Amazon. I’m healthier today because of the care I began to take of my body during my pregnancies.

Now, there is another issue worth considering. Some anxiety and worst-case-scenario imagining is, as others have said, totally normal. That being said, however, you sound as though you’re having significant anxiety. While I am NOT a healthcare provider, I encourage you to talk to yours. My best friend is with a group called Postpartum Progress and, after dealing with post-partum depression with her first pregnancy, experienced a lesser known and equally difficult condition in her second pregnancy called antenatal anxiety or antenatal depression. It is entirely possible that you’re dealing with more anxiety about your new reality than anyone should have to deal with alone. I’hope you’ll talk to your provider about the degree of your anxiety and whether it’s interfering with your enjoyment of what you deserve to experience as a very happy time.

Please feel free to reach out to me if you’d like more resources.