No pump yet

So I saw my old Endo on Thursday. I hadn’t seen him for 3 years. Not because I’m a “bad” diabetic and chose not to see him, it’s b/c I had moved to Oregon, but have returned back to California and am seeing him again! It didn’t go as well as I was hoping. Let me explain…

After waiting an hour to see him, yes, and hour…that’s completely normal, he walks in…asks me how I am, and I ask him how he is doing. He replied,“I’m living a dream, thank you.” He says this every single time you ask him how he’s doing. It’s like it was something he promised himself, or someone, that he’d say when he became a doctor? I think it’s kinda cool. My doctor is a great one. He doesn’t sugar coat a thing and 80% of the time, that’s what I need to hear. He really cares about his patients, but this appointment would be categorized in that 20% of the time when I needed a bit more sensitivity. After all, I am a girl. =)

I updated him on a few things that had happened since I last saw him - ie: my pump breaking, being w/o insurance and having to go back on shots, that it’s been really challenging for me…being on shots, etc. After advising me to up my Lantus to 2 shots of 45u in the AM and 45 in the PM because of higher blood sugars in the morning, I asked about getting my pump back. He asked why I wanted a pump. I thought to myself, “What the crap? Is he seriously asking me this?” He went on to explain that I didn’t need one. Again, WHAT THE HECK? “If we can control your blood sugars with insulin shots, then there’s no need for a pump,” he says. The whole time he was talking to me all I could do was keep from balling like a baby. My own doctor thinks I don’t need a pump. Wonderful, if my doctor doesn’t think I need a pump, I’m doomed to shots the rest of my life.

He went on to explain that if, after a few months, if I can’t get my a1c in a good range he might consider prescribing a pump. We need to get my sugars under control with shots, and if that works, I’ll continue on shots. WONDERFUL. “Your HMO insurance isn’t going to approve you a pump unless you are in DYER need of it, Katherine. That’s just the way they work. They’re going to see that you’re able to manage your diabetes with shots and aren’t in severe need for a pump. Unless your dropping low 3 times a day, they won’t approve one for you.” I nodded and said I understood, because…well, I did. It was the harsh and pathetic reality of this world. “Let’s take this one step at a time, ok?” he said. “Alright,” I replied with tears in my eyes. I wanted to talk back so badly, but I would have been crying like a blubbering fool and we would have gotten no where.

I guess I just wanted him to be a bit more sensitive. I respect him and understand why he is the way he is.

I left feeling really, really discouraged. Having an insulin pump made me feel a little bit less of a diabetic. I helped me to forget that I have a disease that separates me from all my friends. It allowed me to sleep in. And hopefully someday, if I show enough hard work and dedication to my doctor, AND my insurance company, I’ll have it back? Please God, PLEASE!

'till next blog…