A realization hit me a little while ago when I woke up in pain again. LOL! I wrote a paper based on Jonathon Livingston Seagull back in 1978. I got an “A” on that paper. ha ha. What good did it do for me? nothing. I was an outcast to society then. I’m still an outcast now. That is all that it has shown me. My problem? I fit in society on the edge of the “group” Not close enough to belong to that group. Their answer? Kick me out. Problem with that? I’ve got just enough glue on me to stick with a pertinacity that “they” cant get rid of. I can wear their style of clothes,talk like “them” walk like “them”; but I’m just “weird enough to stick out like a sore oozing blister. I remind “them” of everything deep within themselves that “they” don’t like about themselves. What is it about me? One wise older psychologist told me years ago, “You are like Rembrandt,Mozart,Picasso, and a few other of that “guild.” “You are pragmatic,iconoclastic and you will never fit unless you choose to conform.” sigh… Try as I do… I still can’t fit. Society doesn’t want me. My life circumstances are too much for people to grasp. How can everything that I say be true? HA HA! Just live on the edge and see. When you live on the edge of society; you live more experiences that others can only glimpse. The problem with that? You learn something from an older generation … like how to haul water from a spring, cook on a coal and wood cookstove. Then, you tell someone “my age” that I’ve done these things… that “someone” doesn’t believe you. Calls you crazy. Then, I visit an elderly nursing home and talk to an elder. I tell them how to haul the water, where on the stove you place your pan to fry or boil or keep a steady simmer… ha ha! they say” You really do know how!Only someone that has done it really knows what they are talking about” The old,elder embraces me and says “Thankyou for sharing with me.” That elder validated me. The problem? Society still does not validate me. My neighbors want nothing to do with me or my family. I am a legal citizen of the United States of America and I do not fit. As a matter of fact, I don’t fit anywhere. I’m still living as an outcast, just like Jonathon Livingston Seagull. Life for me now as a mom of 7 children with one child in fostercare,diabetic,depressed,knowledgeable,person of no particular age or color still does not fit. My problem??? I keep trying. I keep paying prices of pain to fit in a society that does not want me. It is because I fell into a mudslide and held on a little too tightly that I stick out like a sore oozing wound. “I” must be taken care of so that no one sees this ugly blemish. That’s it!!! I’m an ugly blemish that cant be covered by makeup/insurance that wont “cover” me! Society that cant scrape me into prison to hide me because I haven’t done anything “wrong” Society cant hide me in an insanity institution because… I score too high on their scale to be hidden there! You cant hide me there. You cant hide me anywhere! Just like “Where’s WALDO?” After all… I’m still Jonathon Livingston Seagull. I look like “YOU” I have feathers like “YOU” … YOU cant see me, hear me, touch me …the problem??? I am still here sitting on the edge of your conscience bothering you. Bothering society because I don’t fit.
Do you remember the end of the story??? What about the Ugly Duckling? What about the Prodigal Son? That is all of Whom I really am. I am the Johnathon Livingston Seagull,Ugly Duckling, Prodigal Son that still does not fit into any particular part of the society of America or for that matter any country of this world. So, Why am I here? I don’t know. Somehow, life lead me here and I met a few people here. I’ve cried,laughed,despaired right beside you… I still don’t fit. The problem? I want to fit… but circumstances wont let me fit. I’m a lost rolling stone. I gather nothing. I cant seem to “stick” in society long enough to grow roots and conform enough to fit. It hurts to never fit anywhere.
Just like Jonathon, the ugly duckling, the prodigal son, I want a real family, a real mom,dad, brother,sister, etc. I am after all still a human being. So whether you like it or not … I do fit.
I fit because I look like you, act like you, talk like you,and everything that is human about you is also just like me. I am a human being. Because I’m a human being that has emotions,desires, hopes and dreams… you crush me because I dont “fit” where “you” want me to "fit."
Amazing how almost 30 years hasn’t changed much. Amazing that the world of diabetes has changed so much and so little in those same almost 30 years. A cure? No “they” just want more money. sigh… I’m surely a depressed/oppressed person. Or is it just “what a mess?”