Sad Weekend

Well, I had a sad weekend. My first sad weekend since I’ve been diagnosed, really. When I first got back from the hospital, I cried a few times. But, Sunday afternoon, I was basically home alone. In my room. Listening to really emotionally-driven music. Not a good combination. And, earlier that day, something had happened that made me feel really alone in being diabetic. I felt like: 1) i was a burden, being diabetic. 2) people outside of my close friends and family didn’t even know what diabetes really was like. 3) even my close friends and family could never understand what i was feeling. So, I just felt very lonely. So, there I am… alone in my bedroom, trying to get work done. And, I just start sobbing uncontrollably. Part of me was like “Just let me cry and get this over with! It’s my first meltdown!” but another part of me was begging for someone to find me and shake me out of it. I felt guilty for crying and for feeling sorry for myself. I’m not the only person with diabetes and struggling. So, I felt like I had no right to cry… because, in general, I’m doing well.

The main reason I feel alone, is because I’m the only person I know with type 1. Except some guy in his 30’s my family knows… but, I don’t really have much in common with him… and I don’t feel like chatting with him, you know? My Endo told me that she was trying to get a group of teen girls with type 1 together… but… so far, that hasn’t happened. Now, I think I really need that. I need to have people I can call. I need people who can understand me. I do have friends who try, though… which is nice. Like, Sunday, while I was having my depression attack, I talked with a friend of mine. Sometimes, I just cried harder, but… eventually I stopped. So, B, I know you’re reading this. Thanks. You’re an awesome friend.

If anybody knows any teens who live in the suburbs of Chicago with type 1… let me know. I’d love to meet someone my age going through the same things.

Okay… so… on a lighter note. I received my Omnipod in the mail last week. Over the weekend, I wore it with saline. But, if all goes well, I’ll get to wear it tomorrow with insulin. I want to wear it as soon as possible. However, if my Endo doesn’t look at my BGs from the past few days SOON, I can’t get into the doctors until next week to get my omnipod on. So, I’m crossing my fingers that the Endo signs off on my BGs so we get a move on this!

Okay, let me know if this ever happens to you:

When I forget to take my Lantus in the morning, my BG is fine for the rest of the day. I can’t tell that I’ve forgotten to take it. HOWEVER, my BG is higher the next day. Is this because I’m taking too much Lantus in the first place? Like, it’s lasting too long? When this has happened lately, I was taking 25 units. I don’t remember why I was taking that much. I normally take something more like 20.

Well, I’m gonna make a point to post more on here, now. This weekend, I’ve spent a lot more time on here… and realized just how important it is for me to be on here. You all encourage me so much… and I LOVE talking to you guys.

First, I’ll comment on the insulin issue, since I have some thoughts on that . . . .

Lantus is a funny beast - I’ve heard told that Sanofi is very squirrely about the actual duration of Lantus, especially at lower doses. 20U isn’t that low a dose, so it should be closer to the actual 22-24 hour duration. Are you splitting the Lantus dose,

What are you doing in re: short-acting insulin? Perhaps you have good response to a glucose load, which would keep your sugars in line during the day, but your remaining b-cells can’t keep you at a good fasting level, or perhaps you have your short-acting figured out perfectly to maintain your fasting level? Of course, since you’ll be pumping soon enough, this is all academic.

As for the sad weekend . . . unfortunately, it comes with the turf. I’ve certainly had my share of blubbering like a baby. There’s nothing to be ashamed of - there are days when this royal PITA we’ve got just overwhelms us. Control or lack thereof have nothing to do with it. You’re a member of a club that’s got a lot of really difficult stuff to deal with. You have to use your brain to compensate for the fact that your pancreas retired a lot earlier than the rest of you, and the stress of it can definitely break down even the strongest among us. Frankly, if you got this far with only one major meltdown, you’re doing a lot better than I was!

Feel good,

– Dov

Emily

Sorry you had a tough weekend. Have you looked at the type 1 teens group here? Maybe you’ll find someone in the Chicago area, I hope you do.

Hang in there, Emily. Everyone has bad days…it’s totally normal. For me, diabetes is more than just a physical disease…it is emotional, too. I think most people in general have good intentions when trying to support you or listen to your concerns…but it really takes another person going through the same thing to truely understand. Embrace your friends and family. But know you have a whole bunch of people over here for you, too!
OH! And depending how old you are…there are several teen and college retreat weekends in the Chicagoland area throughout the year. That may really be something to think about. I went and it really was the best! I made such good friends and had awesome times. Look into the chicagoland chapter of the ADA.
I hope you have a great day. I personally find music to be sooo therapeutic. Maybe try to journal or write songs/poetry…something to help get it out.
I came to this site just a few days ago to get 20 years of sadness/regret/denial off of my chest and out into the open. I wish I never waited so long. Kudos to you for reaching out!!!
Julie

Fairly new or not, I was diagnosed in 1984 and STILL get ‘grief times’. I call it ‘grief’ because that is exactly what you’re going through. I go there once in a great while now, but in the early days, first Yuletide with IDDM and other things through the year following diagnosis, I’d do the same dealio as you are right now.

While we both know you are NOT the ‘only one’, it DOES feel like that at times. You need the time to grieve for a part of your body that has essentially ‘died’. Like an old friend, a Parent, other loved one.

DOV covered th rest of anything I could say to you. Try to think of it this way though: YOU are NOT a burden. Diabetes is a burden. You will never be.

Jenny

Emily-
I’m no longer a teen, but I lived through my teen years with T1. One, silly question… did you check your blood while you were crying? I found, when I was 15-18 years old that I cried about my diabetes ALOT and it was normally when I was running REALLY HIGH! Or really l-o-w… It’s a battle. Remember, your body is changing… and like someone said above, diabetes is not just physical, it totally plays a role in the emotional side too! If you ever want to talk, drop a line… You’re not alone in this!

Hey girl I am in your same boat! I am 22 now but I was 19 when I was diagnosed and when they told me at the hospital I would have to do shot I started crying and freaking out! And I lived with my best friend at the time who had had this since she was 12! I didnt think there was any way that I could handle this! I still sometimes just feel so overwhelmed that I dont know what to do, so I cry a lot! But I have an amazing support system and I have to keep my head up!
Im not on the pump I just do shots, I dont know why but I feel a little weird about the pump so please let me know how that goes for you because I am intrested in it just nervous!
We are all here to help each other and when you are freaking out dont hesitate to shoot me an email I am usually always near my computer!
Ash