i’m starting school on monday and i think i’m going to freak out after about ten minutes. the more adult i have to be, the more i decide that it’s a pretty bad deal. i’m old enough to appreciate all the things i hated when i was young, but have been forced to give them up…crap! i still have one giant monkey on my back. i never bothered to learn how to drive. i want to, but i’m also terrified. don’t get me wrong, i know how to, i’m not amazing at it, but i know how to when i need to do it. but i’m one of those people that lets that one mistake psyche them out and just completely bomb by the end of it. that’s how i ruthlessly destroyed a curb at the dermatologist’s office (i didn’t actually hurt it, for the record, but i did find it quite quickly).
but back on topic, school starts monday, orientation is tomorrow. i get my uniform, books, and knife kit. odds are that by second term i’ll have lost a finger. how wants pie?
i have no idea what to expect except student loan bills. i don’t have a ton of experience to fall back on and seeing as it’s been five years since my last attempt to attend school all i have to fall back on are crappy memories and my loyal insecurities. and i worry that once again my diabetes will be spotlighted. it’s not a big deal that i have it, i just don’t like it to be the focus of people’s attentions. places i go now, people for the most part know i have it, but it certainly isn’t a huge topic. i’m the anime girl, the slightly crazy OCD orgainizer, the sweet one…not the diabetic. i remember in high school when ever there was a health related topic that needed to be done, they always wanted me to cover diabetes. sure, i knew the most about it, but it wasn’t fun for me and it always shoved my illness in my face. i know in chool we’ll be covering a nutrition section and how to adapt food to cater to special needs. i hope they don’t make me stand there and tell them about diabetic diets. they’re all different anyway. give me the topic “how to work around a vegan diet without making people sick.” just a hint there…if you cook hash browns on the same griddle that you just cooked five different meats on, your vegitatrian will be sick. also, i didn’t do that, waffle house did.
the thing that worries me the most though is that i’ll still just be bored and lonely. i jump at the chance to get out of my house because i hate it, but end up hating where i go because it’s always the same. i need something different sometimes. not even all the time. i just want things to be what i want sometimes. my life is a giant rerun right now. i’m happy about the things i have in my life, but i miss the things i left behind too. my friends are states away. i lost some really great insurance. i still don’t even have a lot of my own possesions because there’s no room for them here. i get three channels of tv in my room so i rarely get the chance to watch what i want. i feel like stagnate water at this point. i’m not going anywhere and just getting all muddled and gross all the time. the highlight of the past month for me was getting to go out with another woman to bowl and have a few drinks. i feel like i’ve lost my spark. i know why i lost it, but i’m just not sure how i get it back yet.
and i just disected my life in a major way…bummer…