I'm not sure what to do. This is all consuming and I'm afraid my family might be able to tell I'm having a problem. Although, I'm sure they won't say anything about it maybe out of fear, maybe out of ignorance of the disease(s), maybe out of annoyance of me being upset by diabetes. I'm most afraid to tell my fiance. I remember one night I was upset and I diliberately skipped some insulin. I was in a really somber mood when he got home from work and he asked what was wrong. I just told him that I was upset with diabetes and left it at that. I checked my blood sugar to find it well into the 300's. He asked what it was and I was honest with him and told him how high it was. He asked why it was so high. My initial response was, "I don't know." He wouldn't buy that. Eventually I told him I didn't take insulin for something I ate. He was furious. "How can you not take insulin!? It's not that hard! You eat something, you take insulin for it! We are committed to be married and you're supposed to be around with me for the rest of our lives! You're my partner and I need you to be with me when I'm old!" He doesn't know anything about the correlation between high blood sugar and weight loss and he definitely doesn't know how much of a struggle it is for me. That was the one and only time I've ever said anything about restricting insulin. I've never talked about it with him. I don't want him to think he's marrying a crazy.
Last night on the radio, the radio personalities hosted a question to listeners. What did you find out about your partner in a committed relationship too late? In other words, you've already moved in together, gotten married or what have you and you find something out about your partner that might be a deal breaker. What was it and did it break the deal? As I was listening to the answers, it got me thinking. I'm doing something like that to my fiance by not telling him what I'm going through. That's not fair to him. But I'm just too afraid. I know he won't understand.
Actually, I don't think anyone will understand. I don't even understand why I do it. Why do I feel the need to be skinny and have the perfect body? It's not a big deal and it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of life. No one's perfect. And trust me, I've told myself that a million times, but it doesn't stop me. I don't understand what the point of me doing this is. I really don't. I tell myself everyday, why don't you just eat healthy like you know how to do and be healthy and take your insulin. I'll tell myself that tomorrow it'll be different. But here I am today, and it's not any different than yesterday.
What I do know is that I go in waves with insulin restriction. Right before Thanksgiving, I started eating an all natural, very good for you diet. I'm obsessed with food, I know everything there is to know about it. But as I was eating that diet, my portions got smaller and smaller until I was eating only a few hundred calories a day. My blood sugars were excellent, though...
I don't think I'm in bad enough shape to go into treatment. That's reserved for the most extreme cases, and I don't think I'm extreme. I think my family and friends would be able to tell if that were the case. Although, as I look back, I guess I've been doing this for a very long time. I want to be healthy, but my thoughts won't let me. Insurance doesn't cover a health psychologist, and I can't afford that right now, either. I would be embarrassed if I had to go get help. And I think everyone would think I was a big baby if I did.