Spouses, significant others, partner---DON'T understand!

Type 1 and LADA New to Type 1 Diabetes
1

Hi,
My fiance seems to be bothered by my newly diagnosed condition. I was very sick at first but I’m getting better each day. Yet he seems to not understand at all. We’ve already had a few tifs about little things that I think he should automatically be helping with because I’m sick, but isn’t.

He thinks because he’s having stress at work I should basically forget about trying to get better and console him!! Before getting sick, I would take care of EVERYTHING!! And, guess what? Still am. They might get done slower and maybe the next day, but things get done. He’s no help though.

The one thing that really bothers me is he keeps asking me medical questons that I can’t answer. I told him I’d ask the dr. next time. He thinks I should be more concerned and should’ve asked these questions already. Considering the stress I’m under, what I’m trying to do right now is feel better, try to find healthy things to eat, and test my sugar.

He’s driving me nuts. He should be helping me NOt stressing me out, don’t you think? What to do??

AAAHHHH!!!

Amy:(

2

Thank you. I have my hands very full with him. He is inherently a very selfish person. He’s a very good, moral and upright man, but extremely selfish, and he knows it. He knows it’s a fault and trys to help himself. But he reverts to it more often than not. When I was just diagnosed the other day, when my bs was over 650 and I was completely lethargic, he actually resumed the next day as usual. Woke me up at 5am to make the coffee and iron his shirt!! I couldn’t believe he woke me up. I wasn’t going to work and I"m sick. His explanation was that I should fight it and get up, he didn’t want to see me laying there!!! Does that make the least bit of sense to you??? Or am I crazy???

You give sound advice though. ANd once again I have to suck it up in this relationship, even though I’m the sick one.

Amy:)

3

Sorry to hear about these frustrations, Amy.

Another thing to remember is that sometimes accepting life with diabetes can be very hard for the people around us. When I was diagnosed, my mother was in denial about it. In some ways, it seemed like she didn’t care. Then I realized that she just wasn’t ready to deal with it all the time. So sometimes she didn’t know how to act.

It sounds like your fiance depends on you a lot and he can’t handle the thought that you are not “Super Woman” (to him you probably are…). So he might be struggling to accept that you have diabetes and you need support. See if you can get him to talk about how he feels about your diabetes (I realize that this might not be a simple task…).

Maybe it would help to tell him 1-2 concrete things that he can do to help you. I hope that he will be more attentive to this. Because you do have a lot to deal with right now… take it all one step at a time!

4

Hi, Amy. I feel for you. You have a triple wammy going right now. :Your hi BS is going to make you tired until you get it under control, and you have a hugh learning curve in front of you. Plus, your boyfriend is a member of the other 95% of the population who is clueless about dabetes. A heart to heart talk with your boyfriend about what is going on with you may help, but until he accepts it, you’ll have to remind him about your fatigue from time to time.

You probably don’t want to hear this, but in his defense, he is accidentally right. Excersize, in moderation , is important for controlling blood sugar. so, just going through the morning routine will benefit you. You can always return to bed for an hours nap or so.
Its rough. I know. when my bs is over 300 it is all I can do to walk to the bathroom. I have resorted to napping. it helps. When your sugar is better you can look forward to a walk with you fiance. It good times and good for the both of you.

blessings

5

Amy-

I am sorry to hear about your fiancee but it will get better. When I was dx my husband was in Iraq. When he came home, he changed with me. it wasn’t easy because junk longer existed in the home. We never argued about it but I can tell he was a little frustrated at times. 4 yrs later he knows how to count carbs, tell me when my bg’s are low and he cooks around diabetes. I also talk my Husbands head off and I started a blog about me living as a diabetic. He was very happy when I found Tudiabetes because he found a lot of answer’s that I had been looking for, like Debb said invite your fiancee to join and we can try our best to help. I also think you have to understand it’s new to him too

Cherise

6

Honey, alls I have to say is that he is an inconsiderate ■■■! Sorry, but that’s the way I see it! He is BEYOND selfish!! All he seems to be concerned about is what YOU can do for HIM! Not that you are SICK, and RECOVERING, and trying to get yourself HEALTHY again!! Sorry, but in MY life, dude would be put aside!! MY life is SO much more important that his clothes being ironed! ANY man I was with, would know how to iron his own damn cloths, and WOULD do it, in the case that I would not be able to do it for him (upon my OWN will!!)

If he can’t take care of YOU, in YOUR time of need, then, I’m sorry, but this guy needs to be GONE!! A relationship is a 50/50 deal! (a GOOD relationship, anyway!!!) Ya gotta take care of EACHOTHER!! It’s not all about ONE taking care of the other!! EVER!!!

When I got sick, and was put in the hospital, my guy was RIGHT there for me!! Hell, he was the one who MADE me go to the hospital!! Then, when I came home, HE went out and bought the foods that I needed to be eating!! But then, he LOVES me!!

Does he realize that if you aren’t taken care of, that you can die? Does he care??

I don’t mean to sound harsh … well, maybe I do!! I dunno! I think you need to “see the light” with the guy you are with, and see a glimpse into the future with your guy!! The “glimpse” I see, ain’t so pretty!!!

Sorry, sweetie!! I hope it all works out for the best!! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

7

Amy,
Your fiance is still in denial phase and acts as if it never happened.Men do not express their fears but act strange.Reassure him,and stirr him to join. Best wishes for a happy life together.

8

Amy, I agree with Sohair. Diabetes is an invisible disease. Your fiance doesn’t recognize it yet, and I’m sure he is wondering what’s different between this morning and the same morning last week. He needs you to help him understand the “mountain” you are climbing. Let him read the posts here. Any number of us will be happy to answer any questions he might have.
Enroll in a a diabeties education class and take him with you
You are talking about the man you decided to have a family with so bear in mind that men are not women and women are not men. This means there are innate differences that neither sex will understand comletely about each other.
For instance, empathy is a skill learned much later in life for men. It usually takes a wife and children to teach a man how to empathize. Even then, men will just never be as empatheic as a woman.
women learn this skill much, much earlier. I don’t know why God built this blindside into men, but God did it. I’ll take it up with Him when I see him next.
Anyway, before I write a 10,000 word desertation on the differences between men and women, I am going to shut up

9

Hi Amy!
I am so sorry to hear about your strugles with the man in your life. Trust me i know how men can be! :stuck_out_tongue:
But just to put a different spin on things…
My boyfriend has diabetes and at first i didnt understand either. I was confused, and ignorant, and scared for him and partly in denial. It took me months before i as able to really talk to him about it. we are still constantly working on our communication and open-ness. its an on-going process. the point is, that people who dont have diabetes will never fully understand, no matter how much we want to.
now i dont know your fiance, but coming from someone who really cares for the other person in their life, he may be just scared. he doesnt know what to expect and that terrifies people, especially men. (hehe)
i know that tudiabetes really helped me, so maybe it can help him too! i learned so much about what my boyfriend couldnt explain to me directly. i know he gets frustrated, i know he has bad days along with the many good, but hearing it from lots of other people really helped me get a grip on what diabetes is about. i dont claim to understand everything, but i am learning to understand him.this is just my experience with tudabetes, and i highly suggest that you introduce it to your fiance.
tell him how much you need him right now and that his support is important to you. hopefully loving honesty will get through his head hehe
i really hope everything works out for you two!
just remember how strong you are, and you can make it through.
let us know how it goes?
all the best

10

Great answer Tasha. Right on the money

11

Wow, just wow. That sort of behavior is not acceptable in any way, shape or form. I would kill my hypothetical partner, if he woke me up at 5am to iron his shirt, even if I was the healthiest person on the planet. You’re not his maid and even if you were you’d still get sick days. Sorry, I don’t want to talk bad about loved ones, but your story makes me so mad on your behalf.

That aside, I second the idea to get him on here or to take him with you to your next doctors appointment, so that he can get his questions answered right at the source. Education about diabetes might help him understand what you’re going through right now and what to expect in the future. What you need right now is a supportive partner so that you can focus all your energy on getting your bs back under control. ‘Sucking it up’ with a bs of 650 simply isn’t an option, imo.

I wish you the best of luck.