So, results came back and they were not good

So, yes, basically the last weeks have been a blur; holidays included.
Somehow between I was diagnosed and today, well, there is not much, i am doing the diet, taking the pills, going for a walk… i just feel numb.
Pretty much numb. I dont sleep that much either (not that I ever did anyway), i just read or lay in bed.
I tried talking to some friends, but i get oversaturated, with few exceptions; and i can’t take it. Don’t really want to talk about it, but then i feel i have no one to talk to.
And then i get angry… so angry i cant speak, so mad i know i will lash out.
So i go home, and for dramatic that this might sound, i just dont see a point to any of this.
Well, I guess I lost the point that i was aiming for here, I am not sure what is next; I mean, can’t seem to connect.
My mother started crying when i told her, and she kept going on and on that it could not be possible. Few days later she kept saying how strong i was, how brave, taking it in a stride and moving (while i know this is all inertia), while she would be in bed for days.
I know i am not the only one.
I just can’t seem to get a grasp on the fact that is me and also, that somehow, i dont care that much anyway.
I seem to be able to rationalize everything. Including the fact that this is a progressive disease that could potentially disable me and eventually kill me.
It bothers me that THAT does not bother me enough.
A good friend of mine, who happens to be the one who traslated the diagnosis (he is a doctor) said that i am still on denial.
Is it really denial? Is it supposed to be like this?
I can’t even cry…I mean, feel like could cry, but i dont.
I am not even scared anymore.
What is normal? how to pick up from here.

Alma,

What you’re probably feeling is shock. That’s the numbness. On one level you know, but on another you’re still processing it. Does take a while for it to sink in completely & it’s what helps us from falling to pieces immediately. It may be denial, but I think it’s the step before denial (if this makes any sense).

You’re shielding yourself. That’s another protective mechanism we have. It does bother you & you do care, but you pull back when it gets to be too much. That’s the inertia part. Rationalizing is another survival tool that keeps the emotions at bay until we’re better able to cope.

I hope it helps to tell you that everything you’re feeling, the complex & complicated emotional range you’re feeling, is normal.

Try to allow yourself time to grasp it all. Easier said than done. Everything has changed for you & it’s a startling change, to say the least. Withdrawing from the pain is another normal reaction. When reality seeps through the cracks of the wall, anger takes over. Who wouldn’t be angry?

I can tell you, as the others here will do, that we’ve gone through this.

Please write often. Share what you’re going through & turn to us for a shoulder.

I’ve only been diabetic just over a year and I can assure you that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. OK, some lucky people are able to pick up immediately and move on, but the anger and denial you describe is a kind of mourning for the life you think you’ve lost. I’m still working through it but it does get better - the numbness goes and (in my case) I read everything I could (and scared myself silly sometimes at what I read too !). You are not going mad (I feared I was at first as I couldn’t think of anything but diabetes).

I’m new to this site but the people on here are very supportive and friendly - just keep posting whatever you feel you need to say - and can I send you a virtual hug ? Faith

It may be denial and believe it or not it’s a valid coping mechanism. Thing is, it’s a destructive negative mechanism. You are probably depressed. Try getting some professional help. If that isn’t tnough. Try therapy and an antidepressant. They often work well together. They don’t work well seperately.

I was in shock…big time! Scared, confused, mad, numb, overwhelmed when I was Dx’ed. You will go through stages and it is normal. Not fun at all, but normal. So many emotions to deal with and go through. I am happy for you and others that have a site to come to and learn and get support. I sure do wish I would have had somewhere to turn when I was DX’ed.
Things will get better, it just takes time and letting yourself go through the stages. It is okay to feel the way you do, just remember that you are never alone. We are all here for you and understand.

Alma,

The things you are describing here sound oh so familiar. I was diagnosed in June of 2009 and it has been the most difficult year of my life. My diagnosis was a surprise. And it took me for a major roller coaster ride. I promise things will get better, just take it one day at a time. Life will be good again. If you need someone to talk too, someone to check if what you are going through is normal, I’m here for you. If you want to hear my story I can surely share it with you.

Regards,
Elisa

Elisa, Robyn, Thomas, Faith, Gerri
Thank you for your support
This is actually way tougher than anything else I had ever faced. Seriously, I never saw it coming.
Physically I am better, way better, diet and physical activity have come a long way, have dropped weight and my sugar levels are good. I might be taken off metformin in 12 weeks.
Emotionally…well, that is crap. I think I haven’t slept more than 4 hours in a row since December. I think that had I not had a conversation with my boss about my diagnosis, well, I would be unemployed by now. I have become a total monster. I pick fights (not physical tho) with anybody about anything.
I have taken up meditation, NPL, pole dancing and painting. Nothing seems to help me. I am so aggressive my juniors are terrified of me.
Don’t get me wrong, I have never been sweet and quiet. But now I have a really short fuse.
I really don’t have much to tell besides that.

I’m glad you can express your feelings here. Keep it up…it’s good to get it out and process those feelings. When I was dx in 1974 @ age 14 I was just told “it could be worse” and wasn’t allowed to feel anything but lucky.

Even today I don’t think healthcare and others address the emotional aspect of D. I was told “take care of yourself and you can live a normal life”. My life is happy and rich and greatly blessed…but far from “normal”.