Hello fellow TuDiabetics,
It felt like just yesterday that I was in the most positive mind set for my diabetes. But come day after day, night after night, diabetes rears its ugly face and you can’t seem to cope so well anymore. My last blog seems so far away now - and [unfortunately] with this lovely disease I’m not quite sure how much my HBA1c has risen. I was so proud to think that I managed to bring my HBA1c down to 6.6, but I’m almost certain its gained a few points since then. That is the thing with Diabetes, you rise so high above it and feel like nothing can break you down and then the next moment, you test probably once or twice a day, usually due to a hypo or curiosity, there’s no consistency, you take estimates with you pump hoping it will deal with whatever carbohydrates you just consumed and you basically forget you were ever diagnosed with a life threatening disease. I’m pretty tired of it.
I’m back in Thailand after having a 2 month break (two months in which my diabetes was in perfect control). It seems when I’m here that I basically choose to forget about my health. I eat everything and never test. And maybe once or twice I try to force myself to realize what I’m doing to myself. But to no avail. I guess it is very hard doing it right here in Bangkok. I don’t really eat breakfast (because Rice isn’t my preferred choice for a morning meal) and the cereal is too expensive and bread doesn’t agree with my stomach. And because I can’t fall into that routine, I stop testing, I stop caring. Its such a frustrating thing. And its such a domino effect because once one thing falls apart so does the rest.
If I can’t eat right -> My routine falls apart,
When my routine falls apart -> I stop testing
When I stop testing -> I stop using my Animas pump’s 'EzCarb’
When I don’t use 'ExCarb -> I bolus an estimate (usually 2.5 units per meal)
When I estimate -> I over estimate
When I over estimate -> I over compensate when I’m in a hypo
When I over compensate -> I gain weight from both insulin and hypo corrections.
Its freaking ENDLESS. I’m trying to justify it by calling this a holiday. So I guess I will fall back into my usual routine when I head back to Australia sometime this month. I can’t wait to exercise and breath that healthy air I took in when I was in control of myself and my diabetes. It literally feels like that for me, when I am in control, I feel as if I can breath properly. Mostly due to this guilt that looms over my brain with everyday that I forget about my disease.
I hope you are all well and your will power to battle this disease is stronger than ever.
Kath.
