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I have been trying to write this for a while now and it has been harder than I thought it would be. I thought it’s cathartic and will be good for you…. it isn’t. You see I want to tell you about my Mom who lived a simple life doing the best she could as a parent, but I keep getting overwhelmed by her death. I’m going to start with that and just get it out of the way, so bare with me. My Mom died 9 years ago over the Christmas holidays. In fact it has made Christmas very difficult if not impossible for me to enjoy. She was in extreme pain and was being stoic as usual which may have led to the misdiagnosis she received. The doctor may have just been more interested in getting home for the holiday and that is why he decided to not read her x-ray, after all it was Christmas eve. She did not get a proper diagnosis for 20 hours and by then it was too late. There was surgery, intensive care, medicine, and fighting for her right to die the way she wanted. There were times I stood alone with my hands clasped over my mouth so I wouldn’t scream “save my Mother” as she crashed and rebounded several times. I had my family and they were great but I felt alone because I did not have my siblings. We were her children and we should have leaned on each other and made these decisions together. My older brother would not come, I will never understand why. My older sister was wrapped up in her own pain and causing unneeded drama by accusing me of killing her Mother. I thought these things pulled a family together, I was wrong. After 10 grueling days the doctors finally agreed to remove the ventilator and let her go. That was a strange day, the day my Mom died. The nurse said she would go fast but she didn’t, stubborn to the end she stuck around for the whole day. She wasn’t conscious but we brought her favorite blanket and other things to her room. Everyone gathered and told stories and laughed and cried. When the others had gone and only ‘73, the kids and I remained she quietly slipped away, without fanfare or last gasps. Death can be a very quiet and simple thing, peaceful. The impact of her loss and the responsibility she put on me to make those decisions has taken something from me I will never get back. She knew my brother would not come to the hospital and that my sister was not strong enough, in fact she feared my sister would keep her alive and an invalid no matter what, so it fell to me. What she did not know is that I was strong enough to make the hard choice but not strong enough to live with myself afterward. This is the story of my Mother’s death, not the day by day blows but enough. For Mother’s day I will post the story of her life. She was a simple and imperfect woman and she was my Mom.
from my blog passions & soapboxes
Robin,
It’s difficult watching a loved one die. I was there when my mom passed and as well as my last boyfriend. You made the right decision. The only one you could make. She is at peace and at rest and there is no more pain for her. I think writting down your thoughts is good therapy for you. I will log on on Mother’s day to read your story. Your Mom lives on in your heart.
I can relate…I lost my mother 5 years ago…I miss her so very much! If I close my eyes and try really hard I can still smell her sweet perfume and see her beautiful blue eyes and her lovely smile…I just wish I could hear her say" Hi my Darling Daughter" once again. Diabetes took her from me way too soon! I will have yellow roses for her on Mother’s day!
I am sure our mothers are looking down and sending hugs and kisses our way.
my mom died of sepsis caused by an ulceration in her intestine. Gangrene had set in and had she lived she would have lost both legs and most of her fingers. I know it was the right decision and the one she would have made if she could but, knowing that doesn’t make it easier. thank you Kathy and Robyn for your kind words.
I love yellow roses but her favorites were gardenias. Whenever I smell them I think of her.
My mom died of kidney failure and I took care of her until her last breath. Oh what a woman she was!!! I hope I can be half the person she was!
Very well said, Josephine. I miss my mom so much,she was the only person that I had in my life that was their ALL through my life…to not hear someones voice anymore that you have heard since you were a small child is heartbreaking! Grieving for her will be a part of my life forever…and the picture in my mind of her taking her last breath is like a movie that just re-plays and re-plays! Love you, MOM.
