The Joke Thread

Hey everyone,

In seeing how laughter can lighten the mood sometimes, I thought it might be nice to put up a topic that we can all contribute to, and benefit from. One rule though. No jokes that will offend anyone. We have people on her from all backgrounds creeds, and beliefs. If you think it might, then please just dont… Other than that, please feel free to contribute freely! I shall start:

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago, biting his fingernails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I
get you something from the bar to calm you down?” The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and seems to calm down. Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees him shaking and biting his nails again. She brings him another drink which he downs immediately. A half hour later she returns to see him shaking uncontrollably, and almost in tears. “My goodness,” the flight attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.” “I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man. “Then what’s the matter?" “I’m trying to give up drinking.”.

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The military commander had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from the enemy. So, he summoned a corporal. “I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of a military activity.” The corporal trudged up the mountain. As soon as he crossed the ridge, he saw a squadron of planes heading their way. “There are many planes coming!” he promptly radioed back. “Friends or enemies?” the commander demanded urgently. The corporal again lifted his binoculars to the sky. “They’re flying very closely together, he replied. “I think they must be friends.”.

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Top 10 reasons for sleeping on the job:

  1. Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.
  2. I was working smarter — not harder.
  3. Whew! I must have left the top off the liquid paper.
  4. Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
  5. I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.
  6. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!
  7. I’m actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned at that seminar you made me attend.
  8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
  9. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
  10. Geez, boss, I thought you were gone for the day.


  1. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. (This rule also applies to mixed drinks. (Example: rum and diet coke)
  2. When you eat with someone else, your calories don’t count if they eat more than you do.
  3. Calories in food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Examples: hot chocolate, brandy and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
  4. If you fatten everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
  5. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because everyone knows that movies aren’t real.
  6. When preparing food, things licked off spoons and knives have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on a knife when making a sandwich; ice cream on a spoon when making a sundae; cake frosting.
  7. Broken cookie pieces contain no fat. It leaks out.
  8. Foods that are the the same color have the same number of calories, Examples: Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. (Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.)
  9. Calories are a unit of heat. Therefore, frozen foods have no calories. Examples include ice cream, frozen pies and Popsicles.
  10. Wild Card. Each dieter may add one rule that pertains to their particular, unique situation. For example: Pork Bar-B-Q has no fat or calories on all legal holidays in Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia and Texas.

Thanks 4 the laughs!

I like the diet one lol!!! Its good clean fun!

Thanks for the laughs. I’ll have to remember #7 SLEEP one for work…I work graveyard

Yes but it only works if they send you to a seminar lol!!! I like #4

A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fog bank. He’s completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk. “Excuse me!” he yells to the woman. “Where am I?” “You’re in a helicopter,” she replies. The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then does a perfect blind landing at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport. “That was amazing!” says a passenger. “How did you know from that woman’s answer where you were?” “Easy,” says the pilot. “Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless. So I immediately knew the building had to be Microsoft Tech Support.”.

What if General Motors had to maintain a “help line” for people who didn’t know how to operate their new cars?

HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”
HELPLINE: “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”
CUSTOMER: “What’s an ignition?”
HELPLINE: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”
CUSTOMER: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”

HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”
HELPLINE: “Is the gas tank empty?”
CUSTOMER: “Huh? How do I know?”
HELPLINE: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F.’ Where is the needle pointing?”
CUSTOMER: “It’s pointing to ‘E.’ What does that mean?”
HELPLINE: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.”
CUSTOMER: “What!? I paid $20,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”

HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “Your car sucks!”
HELPLINE: “What’s wrong?”
CUSTOMER: “It crashed, that’s what went wrong!”
HELPLINE: “What were you doing?”
CUSTOMER: “I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed — and now it won’t start!”
HELPLINE: “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?”
CUSTOMER: “I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn’t crash anymore!”

HELPLINE: “General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”
HELPLINE: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “How do I work it?”
HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”
CUSTOMER: “Do I know how to what?”
HELPLINE: “Do you know how to drive?”
CUSTOMER: “I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!”

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that you’re dog is dead, too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.” The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.” “$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man. “Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.

LOL!!! Thats so great! Well, not that the doggy died, just the cat scan and lab test part :slight_smile:
Thanks for the laughs!

No problem, I’m glad you liked them!

Love the dieting rules–too funny!

  1. Calories from food eaten while standing up don’t count. Gravity forces the calories to your feet & can be walked off.

HA! I love it!

We know what happens to food eaten while sitting down:)

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?” The trembling monkey said, “You are, mighty lion!” Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?” The terrified deer stammered, “Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!” On a roll, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?” The elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree, stomped on him and then ambled away. The battered lion hollered after the elephant, “Sheesh, just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset.”.

So that explains…Oh dear Lord!!!

Animals don’t have fat butts. They know the secret!

A new Army recruit was on the rifle range. He fired 50 shots and completely missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor called him to attention and got in his face. “What’s the matter with you?” shouted the DI. “Why can’t you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?” “I was a telephone repair man,” replied the recruit, “and I don’t know why I can’t hit the target. Let me see…” The man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again and then checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger and blew the end of his finger off! “Well,” the phone man said, writhing in pain, “the bullets are leaving this end here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!”.