My dietician called me today and that was the last straw. I'm so ready to break. I know everyone says that life with diabetes is manageable, and it is to some degree, but what about all the emotional stuff that goes with it. I think that people forget about that and that they just plain don't understand.
The question of the day for me has been, what is bothering you so much and why aren't you motivated?
Well, how do you explain to people who don't understand and tell you it's a manageable disease that you feel like your life has been taken from you, and that you are sick of dealing with this. Diabetes has changed my whole life. It's really all that I have known. From growing up with a mom who was diabetic, to a dad who got diabetes, and then me being diagnosed. I never had a good role model or anyone to talk to about it. I'm struggling and I don't know what to do. This disease is going to kill me if I don't take some control.
I'm not okay being diabetic. I'm not okay watching what I eat, taking my blood sugars, and taking insulin. I'm mad that there isn't more being done to find a cure. I'm just mad at the world. What did I do to deserve this? How do I live with something that I can't even begin to fathom? I'm just so tired and scared. Diabetes is exhausting and expensive.
Everyone reacts to things differently and it sounds like you and I have the same feelings about diabetes. Some people are able to deal with it and lead "normal" lives, but I personally think it is terrible and I struggle everyday to keep going on. There is no point in wondering what you did to deserve this. I don't think that anybody deserves anything in life, I think things just happen and that is just how it is going to be. People can try to sugar coat things all they want, but life is rough and terrible things happen everyday. I am far from being okay with this disease but I find it hard to beleive that anybody deserves something like this.
Yes sorry to say it is exausting and expensive but I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! Hey if I did you can. I took Type 1 37 years ago. I have had soo many things that have upset me much more than the diabetes in my life. I tried the "cure" part (a pancres transplant) back in the early 90's, someone had to DIE for me to get the transplant. That was sooooo hard to get an emotional wrap around. I finally got that one then after 7 rejection episodes I totally rejected the organ. (another way I had let myself, my kids and this poor person who died for me to get the transplant done). Like I said if I can do it you can. Noone in my family even knew what I was feeling when I was diagnosed at the age of 10. My plans at that time was to do what my dad and g-father had done. Join the Navy but be the 1st woman in it. OK that was dashed so I decided to be a cop. Another hope dashed. (I REALLY WANTED TO JOIN THE NAVY ALL MY LIFE! Please don't tell me a 10 year old don't have any expetations. I DID! MY hopes were gone with that diagnoses at 10) I know your having a hard time right now and if you just ever need to talk come on over to my page. Go with this in your heart I CAN DO THIS!!!!!
I know how you feel. They tell me it's under control but what does that really mean. At some point we all lost control of our bodies and are forced to take control of our lives to a degree most will never have to experience. It's not something anyone deserves, but it's something we have to deal with and make the best of. You do have it in you to deal with it. Don't let the down days get you permanently down. What we go through now is so much easier than living with the consequences of ignoring this disease.
You have a place like this to come to for support when you are feeling frustrated.
D is not an easy road, it hurts to take the shots the pills make us sick to our stomach.. the crashes and spikes are like a bad roller coaster ride. We feel different then any one else.. and sometimes get looked at like we Caused this ourselves.. not the case.. they have no clue.. the only ones who understand are the ones who are in our shoes.. Michelle, there are a lot of us who are where you are at, my mom for has had D for many years and lost a good portion of her right foot, My dad was who died at 47.. I was mis diagnosed at 21 and not on insulin for many years later, now 36 on the pump
You are in the right place to express what you are going through. we just keep on keeping on..Thank you for sharing
I don't think anyone is really OK with being diabetic. I'm sure not. It's a NUISANCE disease, and especially in the beginning very anxiety-provoking. And it's certainly not our fault, and we don't deserve it, no way! It's just the luck of the draw, and like all the bad things that happen in life, we just have to cope.
As far as not being able to fathom it, it sounds like you are at the beginning stages of education, and need to learn a lot more. There are a lot of magazines, books, mailing lists, and websites that can help. When I was first diagnosed, I plunged into the internet, and found people who were willing to patiently answer my questions and allay my anxieties.
When you have a good handle on what YOUR diabetes needs, you will find it easier to go about your life -- diabetes is time-consuming, but you can still have a life. I was called hyper-vigilant by a nurse when I was in a convalescent center after a recent coma, but at that time, I was trying to get my BGs under control -- it was ME who suffered the effects of high BGs, not the nurse. Now that I'm back under control, I'm not testing as often, but I still devote a lot of mental time to diabetes, including what I'm going to eat and how I'm going to manage when I'm out and about. I have a pump and a CGM, which really help.
I surely understand the anger, because after 19 years, I still get angry sometimes, and rebellious and depressed, but I know I just have to pick up the pieces and go on -- there is really no other choice. I don't want to die just yet, and so I have to take care of my diabetes, even though I hate the hassle. Someday, I'm going to die, but it won't be from diabetes!
My heart goes out to you Michelle and I sooooo get what you are going through right now. Perhaps using your anger as a weapon would be of some help. It sounds as if you are turning your anger inward and basically beating yourself up along with this stupid disease. No one understands this disease, so why should you be any different? As others have noted in their comments, it helps to individualize the disease to suit self whenever possible, not the other way around.
Honor your grief (the loss of your health) and don't be afraid of your negative feelings, but try to see them for what they are, just a platform for you to learn more about self. I hope this will be a long life for you and I can tell you that after almost 50 years with T-1, it does not get easier it just gets more familiar. I hate this disease as much today as I did 50 years ago but I refuse to allow it to beat me. Please keep sharing and get it out, then use it to your advantage.
You do not know where this will lead you. Most likely you will not be a Marine, but you may, as a result of your experiences, save more people than you ever could in the armed services. You might even be the person we all go to when we have had enough of the disease and you are the one to remind us that the fight is worth it. Or perhaps you will be the 1st person a newly diagnoised diabetic talks to and through your efforts their path is made easier. You don't know, but you will never now if you give up. Keep on keeping on, Jax
Diabetes sucks. But is something you can live a full life with. sorry your parents were not good role models but look around this site there are a ton of great role models living full lives with the Big D. no one is saying it is easy cause it isn't but a satisfying life is hard even without dealing w/ diabetes. YOU CAN DO THIS. start with small changes and build on them. one step at a time one day at a time. you will get better at this. YOU CAN DO THIS.
