I went to the doctor yesterday, and I’m still confused. He said, based on the letter from my other doctor, that I am definitely Type 2. On the other hand, the other doctor didn’t say that to me, based on the same information. I’m struggling to accept this. A lot of my struggle with this has to do with the perception that people get diabetes because they are lazy and overweight. I can accept at an academic level that this is not the case, but I still don’t want to have to tell people I’m Type 2 and have them think that I got it by being overweight. But even worse than that, I don’t want it to be my fault. I don’t want to have to deal with the guilt that comes with the knowledge that I was overweight when I was diagnosed. I’m not even vaguely ready to deal with the emotional baggage that comes with that.
I googled Type 2, of course, after I heard the doctors opinion. Of all the risk factors listed, I had 2 of them. My paternal grandfather had Type 2 (but was on insulin - so I’m not sure that’s correct, I’m working on my mother’s memories here), and I was overweight at the time of diagnosis. On the other hand, I don’t have a history of being chronically overweight - I’ve been a healthy weight except for the last 3 years, during which I was sick a lot (largely due to my out of control allergies) and picked up a lot of weight. I’ve been active. I’ve done aerobics and Tae bo classes, and worked on weight machines, and even capoeira last year (2 hours, twice a week!). Last year I put myself on a diet, did aerobics classes 3 times a week, and lost 7 kilograms (15.4 pounds) - but then I kept on getting sick and was unable to exercise. In terms of fat distribution, I’m decidedly pear-shaped and not at all apple-shaped - so I don’t have the dangerous hormone-inducing insulin resistant abdominal fat that they talk about.
Part of me says that this isn’t about the weight, it is about the cortisone I was on. My reactions to the same food before and after being on the cortisone are vastly different. A meal that I would have no problems eating before the cortisone results in great discomfort now. And then, before the cortisone I struggled to lose weight. After, it slid off me as if it didn’t belong on my body. Part of me also says that if I’m supposed to be insulin resistant, why could I lose weight so easily? I thought it was extra difficult to lose weight if you’re insulin resistant.
Forgive my whining. I’m feeling down about this whole “diagnosis” business. I’m confused. I think I just need to live with this as a grey area for a bit longer, and then things will clear up. I’m trying to make peace with not having every box checked, and being able to predict and plan the future with certainty. When I am uncertain or anxious about something, I tend to become very controlling, rigid and perfectionistic, and I’m trying to prevent that happening with this. In the meantime, I’m logging and noting my insulin doses and BG levels so I will be able to present my doctor with some useful information the next time I see (in a few months time).