What is the Name of This Game?

Healthy Living Weight
1

For the first twelve years of my life (what I can remember of it) I was relentlessly teased for being too thin and relentlessly harassed by my family and other adults to eat more, more, more...

Then I went through puberty and put on some excess body fat in a period of just a few months. I was relentlessly teased for being too fat and relentlessly harassed by my family and others to eat less, less, less...

Then I went to high school, developed a rip-roaring eating disorder and everyone told me how pretty I was...pretty, pretty, pretty little bulimic. As long as I kept purging 90% of my food, I was "ideal". A lovely little hologram that everyone looked AT but no one actually saw.

Then I went through years of therapy and managed to stop purging, put on weight, and everyone told me how fat I was. People started relentlessly harassing me again to eat less, less, less...

I eventually managed to quit purging, but I couldn't quit binging. I eventually withdrew. I became obese -- became a social pariah -- resigned myself to never being "loved" because I couldn't provide the "lovable" body that other human beings demanded of me. (Cats love me. Dogs love me. People? Not so much.)

I live alone. No one is policing my weight or what I eat as long as I do it in private. People still relentlessly harass me about my weight, but only if I give them access to me, which I rarely do -- family on the phone, near-strangers at work pretending to be doling out "friendly advice", my pathetic, useless doctor ("you've got to lose weight...eat more carbs...but lose weight...but eat more carbs..."), the occasional vicious person on-line who thinks that my honesty about my obesity is an invitation to dump their unhealed crap on me.

I don't know what the name of this "game" is, but I look forward to the day I don't have to "play" it anymore.

I realize now, after over 50 years of being "it" in this "game", that it will only end when I'm dead. I'm certainly NOT in any hurry to get there, but God knows it will be a HUGE relief when it finally, finally, finally stops.

2

Unfortunately I believe there is no real answer to this as it is deeply rooted in human nature. To simplify there are 2 types of people. Those that genuinely empathize with others and can see the world through their eyes, and those who are more self centered and use human interaction primarily as a means of boosting their own egos. In my view those who have tormented you over the years are all firmly in the second camp.

The big question is what can a person who understands this do in raising their children especially females. All you can do is make sure they have self confidence deeply rooted in their very being, so they can resist becoming ensnared in the traps you so eloquently describe.

3

I absolutely agree with BadMoon about what we can do to make sure the next generation of girls aren't impacted by this horrible pressure to be unhealthily thin which has gotten worse and worse in my lifetime. I currently have a discussion on this topic in my online class and it's heartbreaking to hear all the mostly 20-somethings to talk about what they have gone through and still go through.

To you, Jean, all I can say is how angry it makes me that people treat a smart, talented and empathic woman like you this way. And to plead for you to believe that not all humanity is like that. The older I get the less willing I am to be around "toxic" people such as you describe. Yes, I am solely responsible for how I feel about me, but constant exposure to negativity wears one down. If you've been harassed on this board, I wouldn't hesitate to report it to admin. Like you said on another post, none of us are perfect, and unfortunately some people come online where they can poke their fingers with relative impunity at others to salve their poor feelings about their own life.

4

Unfortunately Jean like Badmoon says it is human nature. This society puts way to much emphasis on physical attributes. Way to many people will see you as an obese person and not as the beautiful and caring person that we online know you to be.

I don't know how to ease your pain other than to let you know that I do care.

Gary S