Oh my. This is utterly hysterical.
Sigmund Freud
Was quite annoyed
At people crude
Who called him Frude
If an apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
Theyâll soon be condemned
By the A.M.A.
I seem to be in a poetry fugue today . . . anyway:
Of all the fishes in the sea
My favorite is the bass.
He climbs up into seaweed trees
And slides down on his hands and knees.
Just heard about a new restaurant on the moon. Great food; no atmosphere.
My word. My mental drummer would have a full-time job with you.
So many drummers, so little time.
So I received this weather alert on my phone today: Potential for dangerous lightning over the next three hours.
That made me wonder if there was safe lightning âŚ
Well, why not? If there are both good and bad types of diabetes, why shouldnât there be both safe and dangerous lighting?
Heck, why stop there? What kind of water do you have in your indoor plumbing? The wet kind?
Very frustrating experience. Went shopping for camouflage outfits. I couldnât find any.
Reminds me of:
Two octopuses got married and walked down the aisle, arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm in arm âŚ
I guess Iâm feeling my age lately, so perhaps some of you might appreciate some Seniorsâ Moments:
1- An elderly man went to his family doctor complaining that he couldnât hear anything out of his left ear. His doctor asked him some questions about his symptoms which appeared to be minimal with the exception of his complaint that he couldnât hear from the one ear.
So the doctor got his scope out and told the senior that he was going to check out the offending ear.
After peering deeply into the manâs ear the doctor finally said, âWell I see the problem here. The reason you canât hear out of your left ear is that there is a suppository stuck in there.â
âIs that all!â the elder patient exclaimed. âNow I know what I did with my hearing aid!!â
2- Another senior fellow was attending his regular physical check up by his new physician (having outlived the former GP).
After a thorough examination, the doctor asked the older fellow, "My file indicates that you are a 72 year old man and for a man of your years, you are in remarkably good condition. Do you mind if I ask what your father died of?"
The older gaffer responded âWell, what makes you think my father is dead? Heâs over 90 now and heâs still doing quite well, thank youâ.
âOhâ the doctor backed off awkwardly, "Well, if thatâs the case, might I then ask what it was that took the life of your grandfather?"
Annoyed, the elder patient answered "And why would you assume my Grandfather is dead? He is alive and healthy at 112 years of age -in fact heâs even getting married to a young lady next week"
Aghast, the doctor asked "At his age? Why would he want to do that?"
And the old fellow quickly retorted âWhat makes you think he WANTS to?â
3- An elderly couple on a date, got romantic one night and struggled upstairs to a hotel room. After a long climb, she sat down on the bed and unbuttoned her blouse with some difficulty and removed it. Then she spent some time to take off her bra.
Finally when she was naked to waist, she told her date, âI want you to know that I have acute anginaâ.
He said âI sure hope so, because your tits are some uglyâ.
4- Three old guys were comparing their health. The first old fellow said, "I wish I could have just one healthy pee."
The second old guy added "I wish I could have just one healthy poo.
The third fellow bragged âEvery morning I have a pee at 8 a.m. and then a healthy poo at 9 am⌠I just wish I could wake up before noon.â
5- How about the aged couple that decide to get married after losing their respective spouses to death, and then move to Florida. As they are were talking through the sharing of household expenses and other miscellaneous things (they were both relatively well off with each one having retirement income), Jane asked Harold what they should do about their own houses.
"Well, we ought to each sell our homes and then we can each put half the purchase price into our new home."
Harold then asked Jane what sheâd like to do about the grocery bills.
She said âNeither one of us eats very much, so maybe we ought to split that bill on a monthly basis,â to which he agreed.
Then what about the utility bill? Same sharing response.
Finally Jane asked Harold what he wanted to do about the sex thing, and he replied âOh, infrequentlyâ.
So of course, Jane couldnât help but ask: âHarold, was that one or two words?â
6â An elderly man told his doctor he was planning on marrying a woman of 30 and did he have any suggestions.
âYes,â said the doctor âI would advise you to take in a boarderâ.
A year later at his 80th year checkâup, the doctor asked how everything was going.
The senior answered âFine, my wife is pregnantâ.
The doctor remarked, âSo you took my advice and took in a boarder?â
âYes I did,â was the reply, âAnd sheâs pregnant alsoâŚâ
7- An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo some counselling from the marriage guidance mob, to see if their union could be saved. The counsellor did her best, but to no avail. The old folks were absolutely determined to go through with separation leading to divorce.
Finally, in some desperation, the counsellor said: "But youâre 95 and your wife is 93. Youâve been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now??"
The wife thought for a minute and replied: âWe havenât been able to stand each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up.â
8- An old couple went to the doctor for their yearly physicals. One at a time, the doctor brought them into the examination room, starting with the husband. âWell, Mr. Smith, youâre in great shape for a man your age,â said the doctor.
The man replied, âWell doc, I donât drink, I donât smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me.â
âWhat do you mean?â asked the doctor.
The old man said, âFor instance, last night in the middle of the night, I had to get up to go to the bathroom, and the good Lord turned on the light for me so I wouldnât fall down.â
âThatâs nice,â said the doctor, confused. âPlease send your wife in now.â
The wife came in and the doctor said, âMrs. Smith, youâre in great shape for a woman your age.â She then said, "Well doc, I donât drink, I donât smokeâŚ"
The doctor interrupted, "And the good Lord looks after you, right?"
The woman was confused and said, "What are you talking about?"
The doctor explained, âYour husband was just telling me the same thing. He said that the good Lord looks after him. Like last night when he had to go to the bathroom, the good Lord turned the light on for him.â
âDamn!â she yelled. âSo, heâs peeing in the refrigerator again!â
9- An 80âyear old couple decided they wanted to have one more child. The wife suggested they discuss this with their doctor, so they visited with her.
Their doctor first suggested that the man have a sperm count check to see if he had enough ammunition. She gave the old man a jar and said, "Take this in that room and provide me with a sperm specimen."
After 30 minutes of grunting, groaning, and screaming behind the door, the old man appeared, obviously disheveled. âDoctor, can I bring my wife in with me?â he asked.
âSure, what-ever helps!â the doctor replied.
The old manâs wife entered the room with the old man, and closed the door. Sure enough; another 30 minutes of grunting, groaning and screaming ensued. Then the couple opened the door and stepped out of the room, sweat beading on their foreheads, their clothes wrinkled and obviously frustrated⌠The old man handed the jar to the doctor.
The doctor took one look at the jar and said, "The jar is empty. Didnât you have any luck?"
The old man replied, âDoctor, I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right, I tried with both hands. My wife tried with her left hand, she tried with her right, she tried with both hands. She tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out. We just couldât get that lid off the jar.â
10- A guy gave his 85 year old father a surprise visit from a callâgirl. âHi, Iâm here to give you super sexâ
âUm, thanks, Iâll take the soupâ
11- Three old men were being tested on their mental acuity. The first guy was asked âWhatâs 3 X 3?â and he answered â156â.
The examiner told him that wasnât quite right and asked the second old guy the same question. This senior answered âTuesdayâ.
Again he was told his answer was incorrect and the third old guy was asked the same question. He answered quickly â9â.
When the examiner asked him how he arrived at this correct answer, the old guy said, âSimple, I just subtracted 156 from Tuesdayâ.
12- A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member whom he had not seen for some years. She welcomed him into the parlour. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it.
Astonished and shocked, he quickly turned away. But after tea, curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it.
âOh, yes,â she said enthusiastically. âWhile in town last year I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said âkeep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease.â And you know, I think it works. I havenât had a cold all winter.â
13- A man asked his doctor if he thought heâd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, âDo you smoke or drink?â
âNo,â he replied, âIâve never done either.â
âDo you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?â inquired the doctor.
âNo, Iâve never done any of those things either.â
âWell then,â said the doctor, âwhat do you want to live to be a hundred for?â
14- A man went to visit his 85âyearâold grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asked.
âFeeling fine,â said the old man.
âWhatâs the food like?â
âTerrific, wonderful menus.â
âAnd the nursing?â
âJust couldnât be better. These young nurses really take care of you.â
âWhat about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?â
"No problem at allâânine hours solid every night. At 10 oâclock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ⌠and thatâs it. I go out like a light."
The grandson was puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushed off to question the Sister in charge.
âWhat are you people doing?â he asked, âIâm told youâre giving an 85âyearâold Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that canât be true?â
âOh, yes,â replied the Sister. âEvery night at 10 oâclock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.â
Hereâs one you may have missed.
Three elderly ladies were sitting down having tea together and complaining about the vicissitudes of aging.
The first said, âYou know what I hate? When Iâm halfway up the stairs and canât remember whether I was headed up, or down.â
The second said, âIâll tell you what drives me nuts. Itâs when Iâm standing in front of the refrigerator with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, and I donât know whether I just took it out, or was on the way to put it back.â
The third one said, âWell, I sympathize with the two of you, I really do. I guess Iâm just lucky, Iâm not having any of those sorts of problemsâknock wood.â Upon which she rapped on the table and then stood up, startled, saying, âHeyâsomeoneâs at the door . . .â
Good one, Dave. The plethora of Seniorâs Humour is virtually endless and getting endlesser as we age! The ones I posted earlier were from a list I scrounged up several years ago but there are sooooo many more!
And since you Americans are on holiday today, here are a few more of my âfavesâ for your partying amusementâŚ
~ Iâve sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth, Iâve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. Iâm half blind, canât hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Canât remember if Iâm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my Floridaâs driverâs license.
~ I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctorâs permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
~ For those of my generation who do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the âthumbs upâ and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me:
two police officers,
a private investigator,
and a psychiatrist.
Senior Personal Ads:
~ Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Not in running condition but walks well.
~ Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
My personal fave:
~ Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thought to himself, âThis driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!â So he turned on his roof lights and pulled the driver over.
As he approached the car, he noticed there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - all wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said to him, âOfficer, I donât understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?â
âMaâam,â the officer replied, âYou werenât speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.â
âSlower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ⌠22 miles per hour just like the sign said!â the old woman said a bit proudly.
Trying to contain a chuckle the State Trooper explained to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
âBut before I let you go, Maâam, I have to ask ⌠is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they havenât muttered a single peep this whole time,â the officer asked.
âOh, theyâll be all right in a few minutes, Officer. We just got off Route 119.â
Finally, for the sentimental among us âŚ:
Walk With Me While I Age
I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me; then my forwarding it will be worth the effort.
Walk with me while I age - worth the read.
A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER
âŚ
âŚ
âŚ
âŚ
âŚ
âŚ
POOP!
I forgot the words.
âI got pulled over for speeding. The cop said I was doing 65 miles an hour but I wasnât planning on being out that long.â
I was in the Menâs department and the salesman asked me my size. I told him âactual.â
Reminds me of the Einstein bluegrass tune:
Einstein was a genius, not like you and me.
He wrote two equations every day.
On mondays he wrote three.
On mondays, he wrote three.
Chorus:
Albert, dance around.
Albert, be profound.
Albert let your hair stick out,
Your socks hang down.
A man stared through a telescope until his eyes were red.
He stared in outer space and saw
The back of his own head.
The backside, of his head.
A Man got in a spaceship and flew a hundered miles.
Busted through the speed of light.
He came back a child.
He came back a child.
I had a frame of reference.
I laid on the fence.
Along came relativity.
I havenât seen the damn thing since.
Seen the damn thing since.
A wave and a particle were walking side by side.
One said to the other,
âWhich one of us am I?â
âWhich one, of us am I?â
Einstein had a fiddle. He loved to {shout,dance} and sing.
Man if that ainât genius,
That ainât anything.
That ainât anything.
Schroedingerâs cat walked into a bar. And didnât.
Q. How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to not change the light bulb.
Retracted with vengance
My apologies for offencing