Comic Relief


#124

Q: How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to change a light bulb?

A: What? And ruin my nail polish?!?!?


#125

Just for Halloween . . . . .

Q. What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o’-lantern by its diameter?

A. Pumpkin π


#126

Re: Pirates of the Caribbean

Q. Who steers the ship when Capt. Jack Sparrow is asleep?
A. Why, the autopirate, of course.


#127


#128

So, if you had the chance to be thin your entire life, or eat chocolate every day of your life, which would you choose?

Milk, white or dark!!?


#129

In the 1980s (true story), the USS Enterprise ran aground (actually got stuck on a ;mud bank) in San Francisco Bay. While the incident cost the captain his career, which is certainly not funny, one of the newspaper columns concerning the incident produced a true classic that deserves to take its rightful place among the world’s great puns:

“He grounds the warship he walks on”


#130

C’est un français qui fait du vélo en Belgique.
Il s’arrête dans une station service et dit au pompiste :

  • Le plein, SVP.
    Le pompiste fait semblant de faire le plein.
  • Et vérifiez l’huile, aussi.
    Le pompiste continue de jouer le jeu.
    Le français, mort de rire, remonte sur son vélo.
    À ce moment, le pompiste lui donne une énorme claque.
  • Mais qu’est-ce qui vous prend ? s’écrie le français, furieux.
  • Vous aviez mal fermé votre portière !

#131

Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China.

The governor: Fine people…I don’t know.

Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?

Farmer: I’m a farmer.

Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government?

Without hesitation the farmer says yes… Xi turns to the governor who isn’t convinced.

Xi asks: if you had two cars, would you give one to the government? Immediate yes from the farmer. The governor asks if he may asks a question and Xi says, of course.

Governor: if you had two cows, would you give one to the government.

Farmer: No. Never. Please don’t ask.

Xi is confused: But you’d give a house and car, why not a cow?

Farmer: I actually have two cows.


#132

A duck and a chicken are standing next to a deserted road. The duck starts to cross the road. The chicken cries out, “Hey! I wouldn’t do that if I were you! You’ll NEVER hear the end of it!”


#133

Thanks Thas. (All my best material is stolen.)


#134

Q: How many sons of a Jewish mother does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll just sit here in the dark”


#135

Alternate answer to JAP riddle above:

Two: One to call Daddy and one to get the Diet Pepsi.

For better or worse, I can relate to both answers… :grinning:


#136

An SEO copywriter walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house, Irish, bartender, drinks, beer, wine, liquor…

How many SEO copywriters does it take to change a lightbulb, light bulb, light, bulb, lamp, bulbs, flowers, flour…


#137

A light bulb walks into a bar, hands the bartender a dollar and says, “I need some quarters for the meter.” Bartender says, “Sorry, it takes three bartenders to change a light bulb.”


#138

Paddy is walking past a building site when he sees a notice “Construction Workers Wanted”. He goes into the office and applies for a job. The foreman interviewing him says “you seem to have the right sort of experience, but I am just going to ask you a quick question to test your knowledge. Do you know the difference between a girder and a joist?”

“Sure” says Paddy. “Everyone knows that. Girder wrote Faust and Joist wrote Ulysees”


#139

What is a Wok? It’s what you pick up and throw at that pesky ole wabbit.


#140

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it from behind.


#141

Do I need to read this with an Irish accent? Like many joists, I think this one’s over my head …


#142

I think you’re confusing this with Joist Kilmer, who wrote “Trees”.


#143

To be sure, to be sure … (which is the reason why the Irishman always wore two condoms)