Comic Relief


#144

Long ago, a friend of mine loaned me the book about Le Petomane. Not as funny as you’d think.


#145

No, his story isn’t really all that funny.

However . . .

If you’ve ever seen the Mel Brooks film Blazing Saddles, you’ll doubtless remember the campfire scene; it’s almost part of the folklore by now. But what most people miss is that there are two fart jokes in that movie. The campfire scene is one. The other is the name of the territorial governor, played by Mel Brooks: William J. Le Petomane.


#146

In the South Pacific, there is a long narrow island that used to be occupied by two groups of cannibals, which each had their villages at either end of the island. Two cannibals were walking in opposite directions and encountered each other. The one from the west end said to the other, “Hi, how are you today?”

The east end cannibal said, “Not too good, been having some stomach problems.”

West says, “Really, what have you been eating?”

“Well, the usual. Missionaries.”

'Oh, how are you cooking 'em?"

“We just put 'em in a big pot and boil 'em.”

West says, “Do these missionaries wear brown. and they’re bald on top except for a fringe of hair all 'round?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Well! There’s your problem. You’re boiling 'em. Those are friars!”


#147

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, “does this taste funny to you??”


#148

A rabbi, an imam, and a priest walk into a coffee shop. The barista looks up and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?


#149

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

Hey, it’s possible!


#150

A man takes his talking dog act on stage. He says to the dog, “What is the texture of sandpaper?” The dog says “Ruff!” the audience boos.

So he asks, “What do you call the top of a house?” The dog says “Roof.” The audience begins to throw things."

The man tries again. “What baseball player had the longest hitting streak in history?” The dog says, “Ruth!” The audience charges at the stage.

The man rushes out the stage door with the dog and hides in the alley. The dog says, “OK, OK, DiMaggio?”


#151

Q. Which is the more critical problem today: ignorance, or apathy?

A. I don’t know and I don’t care.


#152

RE thetrump situation, I’d say ignorance. And pathologically narcissistic dishonesty…


#153

Donald Trump walks into a cocktail bar and says to the bartender, “I’d like a Slow Comfortable Screw Against the Wall please”. The bartender says "We can make that for you, but it will cost you $20 billion ". The Donald replies, “No problem, the Mexicans will pay for it!”

TaDaaaaa!!!


#154

Der Patient: “Herr Doktor, ich vergesse immer alles.”

Doktor: “Seit wann haben sie das?”

Der Patient: “Seit wann habe ich was?”


#155

Sitcom In Real Life

When I was called in for jury duty a month ago, the defendant didn’t show up, so they sent us home.

When I was called in this morning, an insufficient number of jurors showed up . . . . so they sent us home.

This could turn into a career. :confounded:


#156

That had to be Herb Caen!


#157

According to what I have been able to track down, it appears to have been John Bracken.


#158

Well, I haven’t read the Examiner for years now, since I no longer live on the West Coast…but it sure sounded like something Herb would’ve said. I miss reading him and I sure miss S.F.


#159

It does sound like his sort of wit, all right. He’s one of those newspapermen whose work endures. Like Jim Murray in L.A. or H. L. Mencken in Baltimore.


#160

“Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it.” H. L. Mencken

Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/h/hlmencke396690.html


#161

Un borracho va en el coche dando bandazos de lado a lado por lo que una patrulla policial lo detiene en el arcén . Al salir del coche el policía le dice que le va a hacer un control de alcoholemia a lo que el borracho le contesta :
-No puedo , ya que tengo un asma muy grave y esto puede desencadenar un ataque.
A lo que el policía le replica:
-Entonces le tendremos que hacer un análisis de sangre.
Contesta el borracho:
-Eso no va a poder ser ya que soy hemofílico y si una herida está abierta puede ser que muera desangrado.
El policía ya medio mosqueado le dice:
-Me tendrá que dar entonces una muestra de orina.
Dice el borracho:
-No , ya que tengo diabetes y esto podría subirme azúcar y morir.
Al policía ya le sale humo de la cabeza y le dice cabreado:
-Entonces salga del coche y camine en línea recta para realizarle el test de equilibrio.
El borracho de nuevo le responde:
-No va a poder ser ¿Y por qué no? (Dice el policía)
-Bueno por que estoy borracho!!!


#162

儿子:爸比,你以后能不抢我的奶喝好吗?不然我会打你的。

父亲:儿子,爸爸怎么会抢你的奶吃?

儿子:那我每次吃怎么都有烟味?

父亲: 你胡说,我早就被你妈逼的戒烟了。

This one is a little dirty. Let’s see if I get banned. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:


#163

I just got a photo of my car from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back… way too expensive and really bad quality.