Comic Relief


#164

Did you ever wonder why:

  • You’ve never seen a headline that reads, “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

  • Sick people must walk to the back of the store to get their medicine but healthy people can buy cigarettes right by the front door?


#165

Looses something in translation.


#166

Did you ever wonder why you park in the driveway and drive on the parkway


#167

For that matter, did you ever wonder why we park our cars in the driveway and fill our garages with junk?


#168

Have you ever been given the option of either sitting in the waiting room or waiting in the sitting room.


#169

LOL, I actually park my car in the garage, Of course I must dodge all the junk to do so.


#170

I will translate the joke with license for you.

Son - Papa,would you not snatch the milk from me and drink, or else, I will hit you.

Father - son, why would Papa grab your milk ?

Son - every time I drink everything has the taste of cigarette smoke.

Father - you are talking crazy. I already made your mother stop smoking.

( In other words, both the son and the father were sucking one of his wife’s breasts at the same time. It is a Chinese joke. )


#171

Werner Heisenberg (theoretical physicist), Kurt Gödel (logician), and Noam Chomsky (linguist) walk into a bar.

Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?”

Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.”

Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”


#172

Place the joke inside a sealed box together with an mp3 player. The mp3 player is set to switch on and deliver the punch line when an atom of a radioactive element decays.

As long as the box remains sealed, then the joke is both funny and unfunny!

And in the same vein…

A cat with diabetes is placed inside a sealed box together with a device that will deliver it a chocolate biscuit when an atom of a radioactive element decays.

As long as the box remains sealed the cat can be considered to be simultaneously both normogycemic and hyperglycemic. Open the box and the wave function collapses (as does the cat if it has eaten the biscuit)


#173

My Chinese is limited, but I thought it translated as

Father: My dog’s got no nose
Son: How does he smell?
Father: Terrible!


#174

Dog = 狗… there is no dog in the joke.

The meaning for 妈逼 on Baidu is…

妈逼的意思

宝贝健康医生帮你,下载宝宝知道立即下载
满意回答
是骂人的话
意思是你妈和别人做爱
但现在的话很多人都是随口骂骂
不一定真的有这个意思

紫雪仙儿 2010-12-04

Let me look for another joke.


#175

My joke’s got no dog
Is it Chinese?

Readers are now invited to suggest a punch line…


#176

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says "What can I get you?"
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
No, I’m afraid we don’t.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.

The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren’t you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don’t have any grapes. OK?

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.

The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice
Duck: Umm… Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What’s your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON’T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I’m going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?

And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.

The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,
"What the heck do YOU want?"
Umm. do you have any nails?
What!? OF course not.
Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?


#177

Since I don’t know Chinese, I am going to say I ain’t got no dog in this hunt.


#178

Here is a joke from the Spanish language sister site to this one, EsTu Disbetes. I will translate the joke.


A blonde Irish woman entered a casino. Someone offered her a drink. She said “No thanks”.

She walked up to a roulette table and placed all her money on 22 Red. She then addressed the other gamblers.

“I have the most luck if I take off all my clothes during the bet.” No one objected, so her slinky dress and all her underthings drop to the floor.

The croupier spun the roulette wheel and the woman screamed “I won !” She took all her winnings to the window and left the casino.

One of the gamblers at the table asked another “What number came up ?” “I don’t know,” he said. “I was not watching.”

The Morals of the Story –
Not all Irish people are drunk. Not all blondes are stupid, but men are all the same.


#179

Estella_del_mar from Argentina wrote this one.

Dos borrachos de vuelta a casa se despistan y comienzan a caminar por las vías del tren.
Pues si que son largas estas escaleras, dice uno.
No te preocupes, juraría que ahí viene el ascensor.


Two drunks are going home and get lost. They start walking on the railroad tracks.
Gosh, these stairs are large, one says.
Don’t worry, here comes the elevator.


#180

Did you ever wonder why sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their medicine, while healthy people can buy cigarettes right by the front door?


#181

One hot and dry day in the Wild West, this dog walks into a saloon and says, “Gimme a beer”. Evidently this type of thing wasn’t too rare 'round those parts because the bartender said, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve dogs here.” The dog then took out a silver dollar, dropped it on the bar, and said, “Look, I got money, and I want a beer.” This scene had the potential to get ugly. The bartender, getting a little irate, said one more time, “We do not serve dogs here. Please leave.” The dog growled, so the bartender pulled out a gun and shot the dog in the foot! The dog yelped, and ran out the door.

The next day, the swinging bar doors were tossed open and in walks the dog that had been in the saloon the day before. He was dressed all in black. A black cowboy hat, a black vest, three black cowboy boots and one black bandage. The dog looks around, waits for the talking to quiet down, and says, “I’m lookin’ fer the man who shot my paw.”


#182

How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?


#183

In one of these